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11-28-2001, 01:37 PM
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause,and then put his head next to the cow's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to
welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after
hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,and drinking it, and then today,you have your head so close to that cow's bum,it could just about **** on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man,
"for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian,
I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to bull-****.


Grim Reaper
11-28-2001, 02:31 PM
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!!

11-28-2001, 04:00 PM
lol, goodo wiggo :D

11-28-2001, 04:37 PM
Just thought that I'd start it before the women did. ;)

11-28-2001, 04:47 PM
hmmm - speaking of women our ratio in here is the best ever atm

Grim Reaper
11-28-2001, 05:32 PM
hehe, yeah where r the women?

11-28-2001, 06:38 PM
Alex is here, thats all we need

11-28-2001, 07:40 PM

alex is one strange gurl :crazy: :crazy:

11-28-2001, 09:13 PM
That's ok guy's as the missus and sis are back in now. ;)

11-28-2001, 09:15 PM
Now back on topic. :D

Why were proud to be Aussies.

1) Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2) Only in Australia... is "you awake" the standard concept of foreplay.

3) Only in Australia... do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol's etc while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4) Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries...and a Diet Coke.

5) Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter.

6) Only in Australia... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage.
7) Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8) Only in Australia... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" (poly)in Latin meaning "many" and, "tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures".

9) Only in Australia... do we live by the saying "you're never too pissed if you can still find the floor".


11-28-2001, 10:29 PM
Better Sex
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor
for advice.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer
during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He
couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was
too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his
truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath
as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid
his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of
his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom
of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he
kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

11-28-2001, 10:31 PM
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making
unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and
jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls
many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing
7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs
new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3,
SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes
the system. Under no circumstances will it run
DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried
running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all
purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help please ?!!!!


Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but
is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people
upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea
that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was
designed by its creator to run as few applications as
possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and
return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not
designed to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or
purge the program files from the system, once

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest
you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature
of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
company as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL
faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To
activate this great feature enter the command "C:\I

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while
entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the
applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse
can create additional and more serious GPFs, and
ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal
operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to
default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0
to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files
that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some
trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take
the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine
feature it can only intermittently run all the
applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great
program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve
performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0,
Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction,
these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0
running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband
1.0 will become familiar and you will find many
valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings
2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any
circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a
supported application, and will cause selective shut
down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run
only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until
MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing
to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish
you the best of luck in coming years. "We trust you
will learn to fully enjoy this product!

11-28-2001, 10:37 PM
What She Really Means
The Men's ultimate Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OH MY those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

11-28-2001, 10:39 PM
The Ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch
patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The New Zealander is shocked!

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander.

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "No worries."

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander?

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect
me from the elements."

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

11-28-2001, 10:43 PM
Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander (or "One Nationer") and a Victorian - are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the
genie. The Tasmanian says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish. The One Nationer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Queensland.

The Victorian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Victorian says, "Fill it up with water."

11-28-2001, 10:45 PM
A Cuban, Scot, Kiwi and Aussie were travelling in the same carriage on a train bragging about their homelands when the Cuban lit up a big fat cigar. He took one puff of the sought after log and threw it out the window.

"Why didya goen do that fir" cried the Scotsman. T'was a real Cubin cigar you just threw out the window laddy".

"My country has so many cigars that losing tenfold this amount means nothing to me. There is plenty more where it came from", returned the bragging Cuban.

The Scot wondered what item his country had bountiful quantities
of so that he could out-do the Cuban. From out of his bag he pulled a brand new bottle of the finest Scotch Whisky, took a gulp and threw the bottle from the train.

"Why in the bloody hell did ya do that for ya stupid Scottish
*******" howled the Aussie. "That was a top drop you just got rid of".

"Ah young laddy, such whiskey runs like water in my fine country.
Losing even the finest bottle means nothing to me - there is
plenty more where it came from".

At that point the Aussie picked up the Kiwi and hurled him from the train.

11-28-2001, 10:47 PM
A bloke was walking down the street in Belfast late one night when a hooded figure leaped out of the shadows and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Are you a Protestant or a catholic?" the gunman demanded.
"Neither" the terrified bloke replied. " I'm Jewish".
"Oh boy!" the gunman exclaimed." I must be the luckiest Arab in Northern Ireland!"


"It took me ages to play a round of golf with Robbo today," moaned Bill back at the club house. "Why?" asked the barman. "What happened?"
"He had a heart attack and died on the fifth hole," Bill explained. "and its hard going -- hit, drag, hit, drag, hit, drag...."


"Listen baby," the prisoner whispered to his girlfriend, " I want
you to get me some wire cutters and a file and smuggle them to me inside a cake." "OK" his girl nodded and left.
Months went by and finally she returned to the gaol empty handed.
" What went wrong?" the prisoner asked.
"Oh, I got the file and wire cutters all right," she replied, " but how the heck do I bake a cake?"


Q. What's the difference between a machine gun and an accordion?

A. A machine gun stops after 20 rounds!


Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and
one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this
country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in
America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot
dog vendor and they both walk toward him.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it
for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"

11-29-2001, 10:53 AM
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender says to him;
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The bartender says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the f!*k do they want with a plasterer?"

11-29-2001, 03:40 PM
Bob had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it he couldn't.
The sense of guilt and betrayal was overwhelming, but every once in a while
he'd hear a small inner voice trying to reassure him "you are not the first
Doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last".

But the other voice would bring him back to reality '"Bob, you're a


11-30-2001, 12:32 AM
One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town.
As he was standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little car and offered him a ride.
Gratefully, he accepted.
After putting along merrily for a few kilometers, the engine sputtered, and the car rolled to a halt.
Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into the fuel intake.
When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much to Mr. Caterpillar's amazement!
However, he did not say a word.
The car went on for quite some distance before the engine died again.
This time, it was Mother Bee who urinated into the fuel intake, and again, the car started up after that.
The process was then repeated again for Baby Bee.
By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was only a few kilometers from town.
Not wanting to appear unsophisticated, Mr.Caterpillar got out of the car without a word, and started opening the fuel cap.
In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car.
"What are you doing?" asked Papa Bee.
"I'm going to piss in the fuel intake,just like you did", said Mr. Caterpillar.
"Oh, no", said Papa Bee patiently, "that won't do. This car only runs on Bee Pee!" (BP)

12-02-2001, 01:30 PM
A priest took a walk to the pier down by the lake.
A fisherman asked him if he would like to join him in his boat.
The priest agreed and they rowed out to the middle of the lake.
The priest threw in a line and in no time hooked a huge fish.
"Whoa," said the fisherman, "look at that f*cker!".
"Please do not swear", said the priest.
The fisherman thought quickly and said that the fish was in actual fact called a f*cker fish.
"Oh" said the priest, "I'm sorry, I didn't know that".
When they reached the shore, the priest took his large fish to show the bishop.
"Look at this f*cker", said the priest and the bishop frowned.
"It's alright", said the priest, "that's what the fish is called".
"Well", replied the bishop, "in that case, I'll clean the f*cker and we can have it for dinner tonight".
The bishop then cleaned the fish and brought it to the Mother Superior.
"Sister", said the bishop, "could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?"
"Goodness", exclaimed the Mother Superior, "such foul language".
"No sister", he explained, "the fish is called a f*cker. Can you cook it?"
"Yes", replied the sister, "I'll cook the f*cker tonight".
Later that evening the Pope dropped by for dinner and after dinner asked where they had gotten the fish.
"I caught the f*cker", said the priest proudly.
"I cleaned the f*cker", said the bishop.
"And I cooked the big f*cker", beamed the Mother Superior.
After hearing this the Pope paused for a moment, fixing them with a steely gaze and then let out a huge fart, took off his hat, put his feet on the table, lit up a fat cigar, poured himself a large whisky and said, "You know what, you c*nts are alright!!!"


12-02-2001, 02:31 PM
Why can't you watch Television in Afganistan?

Because of the Taliban.


Mr. C
12-02-2001, 02:58 PM
"Computer Error"

Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she
called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony
clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As
he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what
was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID
Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID
Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

Mr. C
12-02-2001, 02:59 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of
milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
The drunk said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her the four items on the belt, and
seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said,"Well,
y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?" The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n ****

12-03-2001, 04:42 PM
Four surgeons

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you
open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their
organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."

12-03-2001, 04:42 PM
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give
him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has
only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a
rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of
my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing
line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went
up, the
actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the
"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter but the
director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Mr. C
12-04-2001, 08:09 AM
You Might Be A Redneck Geek

If you would describe your family tree as being
recursive, you might be a redneck geek.

If your pickup truck can find its way home by
itself while you are passed-out-drunk, you might
be a redneck geek.

If your CD-ROM tray has a beer can in it, you
might be a redneck geek.

If you bought cigarettes over the internet when
you were 10 years old, you might be a redneck

If you finally do the laundry and find a Commodore
64, you might be a redneck geek.

If you have mpegs of your sister in the shower,
you might be a redneck geek.

If your trailer home can talk, you might be a
redneck geek.

If you built your laser gun sight from scratch,
you might be a redneck geek.

If you've ever used circuit components as fishing
lures, you might be a redneck geek.

If you've calculated the flux of grain entering
a combine, you might be a redneck geek.

If decapitating a chicken makes you think "random
walk", you might be a redneck geek.

If you joined the local Garth Brooks fan club to
increase your odds of getting a date, you might
be a redneck geek.

If all of your pants are L3\/I2 jeans, you might
be a redneck geek.

If your VCR has been broken for five years, yet
still displays the correct time, you might be a
redneck geek.

12-04-2001, 11:12 AM
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake, "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
Then the bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management."


12-04-2001, 05:41 PM
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night,
after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole.
He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home,
well inebriated, around midnight each night. He
always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole,
and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door
and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and
scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming
home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his
nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her
husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by
it all. The friend listened to her and then said,

"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he
comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you
give him some loving words and welcome him home with
a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And,
about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it,
opened the door and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always
done, she took his arm and led him into the living room.
She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on
the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went
behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a
while, she said to him,

"It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs
to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state,

"I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I
get home anyway!"

12-04-2001, 05:42 PM
15 Grocery Store Pick-Up Lines

15> "I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could
check you out all day long!"

14> "Is it really cold in frozen foods, or are you just happy
to see me?"

13> "May I use those melons for my Fruit of the Loom salad?"

12> "How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?"

11> "What a coincidence! You've got butter in your cart, and
I've got a copy of 'Last Tango in Paris' at home!"

10> "How much of this caviar do you think I can get into the
trunk of my Ferrari?"

9> "I've got some meat here that's 'Best if used by tonight.'"

8> "Price check for mixed roasted nuts on aisle 69!"

7> "You know, it ain't often that I see a lady buying pork rinds,
and when I see a lady buying pork rinds, I says to myself,
'This is one chick I *got* to get to know better.'"

6> "What a small world! I belong to the Safeway Club, too!"

5> "So how would you like to become a stock *man*?"

4> "Pssst! My piggly is wiggly."

3> "Are we in the laxatives aisle? 'Cause the thought of
hooking up with you is running though my mind like crazy."

2> "Clean up in Aisle BVD!"

and Number 1 Grocery Store Pick-Up Line...

1> "Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause
you're all that *and* a bag of chips."

12-04-2001, 10:24 PM
Havin' A Bad Day?

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother is gay and you're not.
You only have the one arse.

Feel better?


Mr. C
12-05-2001, 02:07 AM
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other is four.
The nine year old grabs a box of Tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks, "Oh these must be for your Mom, huh?"

The nine year old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for my Mom."

"Nope not for my sister either." Cashier, curious now; "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says. "They're for my four year old brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"
The nine year old explains; "Well, yeah! They say on TV that if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike.
And my little brother can't do either."

12-05-2001, 06:52 PM
Saw this on the optusnet.general newsgroup, sure made me laugh!!! :D

Q: What's the definition of bad luck?

A: Sitting in Afghanistan holding your return ticket with Ansett, your travel insurance through HIH, trying to call out on your One.Tel mobile and the only transport you can afford is a dodgy boat trip via Indonesia...

12-05-2001, 09:02 PM
:thumb: I'll pay that one Al

12-05-2001, 09:04 PM
Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the
garbage cans. Car door slams, some cussing, then the
garage door opens, slams. Suddenly more crashing and
clattering and cussing, then John comes into the house with
his golf clubs, scowling and cussing.

"What's the matter, Dear? Did you have as bad day on the
golf course?" asked Mary.

"Ya, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why I
only hit two good balls all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if
I hadn't stepped on the rake in the garage!"

12-05-2001, 09:05 PM
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible DUI's.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip
on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he
found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with
his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his
engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser
test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Mr. C
12-06-2001, 06:06 AM
Why Santa Claus must be a woman!
Men don't know how to pack a bag.

Most men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men don't even think about selecting gifts until after lunch on Christmas Eve.

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

If Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and Chia Pets, still in the bag from the mall.

If Santa were a man he would have no reindeer, because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped across the front of the sleigh. And Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

And if he did find some way to power the sleigh, he'd never get to everyone's house because he would get lost up there in the snow and never stop to ask for directions.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen with all those elves.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."

Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up chicks.

12-06-2001, 04:35 PM
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten
minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without
batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you
thought I would make it."

12-06-2001, 04:36 PM

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of
bed in the middle of the night.
5% said it was to get a glass of water,
12% said it was to go the toilet,
83% said it was to go home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

He's sitting at the table and his son is on the cover of the box of
His mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
And his wife is on the back of the milk carton.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This
will make you happy tonight!" He was right. When he went out of
the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't
get back in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you
for your money," she replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world" The woman says : "I will surely miss you."

12-06-2001, 04:38 PM
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my
head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at
my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash

12-06-2001, 04:42 PM
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's
circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back
to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet
another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur
(a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that
he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you
give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's
cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur
gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered
a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric
question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there
to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so
simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back,
answer it for me."

12-06-2001, 07:38 PM
Bob got behind in his car payments and, in an effort to shame him into paying the credit company wrote: "What would your neighbours think if we came and repossessed you car?" He wrote back: "Dear Sirs. I took the matter up with my neighbours and they all reckon it would be a lousy trick."

12-06-2001, 07:44 PM
Aussie virgin

A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.

On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here."

When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall.

"Why did you do that?" she asked.

"Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos we'd need all the room we can get"

12-06-2001, 07:48 PM

An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"

Samuel: Well ... let me explain.

Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.

Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing.
Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'

12-06-2001, 07:52 PM
School Files

And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers, and teachers:

"This paper needs a few comas."

"When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a urinal."

"We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."

"You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."

"It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage."

"At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last year."

12-06-2001, 07:55 PM
School Files

"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure."

"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."

"Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken."

"Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest."

"Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool."

12-06-2001, 07:58 PM
Pig 'n *****

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out of her window and yells,

The man immediately leans out his window and screams back,

They continue on their way. As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

12-06-2001, 08:01 PM
Aviation Guide

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

12-06-2001, 08:01 PM
After surgery

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

12-06-2001, 08:02 PM
Jury fixing

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

12-06-2001, 08:04 PM
Signs from hotels and from around the world:

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Bangkok drycleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension.

In a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

12-07-2001, 04:50 PM
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and
didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for
letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one
wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii
but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me
claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do
that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold
up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the
ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just
too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other
thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand
women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are
they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes
or four?"

12-07-2001, 04:51 PM
Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she
insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior,
Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody,
and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will
you stop?" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces
of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a
tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her
panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was
done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked
up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed
indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

12-07-2001, 04:53 PM
A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers.

GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi
George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow aren't they?

GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here
anytime free of charge!


PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them

DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them.

GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?

12-07-2001, 04:55 PM
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She
knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big,
hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your
biker club".

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to
meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed
to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The
little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there"
and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady
says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a
day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever
been picked up by the Fuzz?".

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up
by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

Mr. C
12-07-2001, 11:22 PM
Police are so confusing, yesterday they pulled me over and took my driver's license
Today they pull me over and ask to see it.

12-08-2001, 06:38 AM

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court And the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey
replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f_cking Goofy."


Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper
on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

12-08-2001, 06:38 AM

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face
screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"


Oh... by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?

12-08-2001, 08:32 AM
Redneck quickies

You might be a redneck if...

Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

You're an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

You haul more than U-Haul.

12-08-2001, 08:33 AM
Maria is very religious. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, 'At least they are finally together.'

A man standing next to the priest asks,
'Excuse me, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?'

The priest says, 'I mean her legs.'

12-08-2001, 08:33 AM
A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

'What is that?' asked the child pointing to the *****.

'Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,' replied the mother.

'I want one,' said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

'I want one just like that,' she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, 'if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.'

'And if I'm bad?' asked the little one.

'Then,' sighed the mother, 'you will have many.'

12-08-2001, 08:34 AM
An Englishman was recently asked about the differences between
English and American people.

He said there were three:

1. We speak English and you don't.

2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.

3. When you meet the Head of State in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

12-08-2001, 08:35 AM
How to speak about women and be politically correct:

She is not a babe or a chick;
She is a breasted person.

She is not a bleached blonde;
she is peroxide dependent.

She is not a bad cook;
she is microwave compatible.

She does not wear too much jewelry;
she is metallically overburdened.

She is not conceited;
she is intimately aware of her best qualities.

She does not want to be married;
she wants to lock you in domestic incarceration.

She does not gain weight;
she is a metabolic under-achiever.

She is not a screamer or a moaner;
she is vocally appreciative.

She is not easy;
she is horizontally accessible.

She does not tease or flirt;
she engages in artificial stimulation.

She is not dumb;
she is a detour off the information super-highway.

She is not too skinny;
she is skeletally prominent.

She does not have a moustache;
she is in touch with her masculine side.

She has not been around;
she is a previously enjoyed companion.

She does not wear too much perfume;
she commits fragrance abuse.

She does not get you excited;
she causes temporary blood displacement.

She is not kinky;
she is a non-inhibited sexual companion.

She does not have a killer body;
she is terminally attractive.

She does not go shopping;
she is mall fluent.

She is not an airhead;
she is reality impaired.

She does not get drunk or tipsy;
she gets chemically inconvenienced.

She does not get fat or chubby;
she achieves maximum density.

She is not cold or frigid;
she is thermally inaccessible.

She is not horny;
she is sexually focused.

She does not wear too much make-up;
she has reached cosmetic saturation.

She does not have breast implants;
she is gravity resistant.

She does not nag you;
she becomes verbally repetitive.

She is not a slut;
she is sexually extroverted.

She is not loose;
she is morally impaired.

She does not have major league hooters;
she is pectorally superior.

She does not have thin lips;
she is collagen depleted.

12-08-2001, 04:46 PM
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing
her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair
in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed
her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved
slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her,
hypnotising her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of
surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare
flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new
territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared
to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his
ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that
had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he
paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought,

"It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden
rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for
her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And
he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes,
this woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and again............



12-08-2001, 04:50 PM
Sven and Osmond are good friends.

Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar.

This is a tradition that goes on for some time.

One day, Osmond says to Sven, "Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day."

Sven considers this and agrees.

Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work.

This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason.

One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, "But, Sven, aren't you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?"

Sven says, "Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don't think that Osmond should be punished for that."

12-08-2001, 04:51 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.

After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, 'Who owns the white horse tied up outside?'

The Lone Ranger said, 'Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?'

'Because itís collapsed and looks like it's dying,' says the stranger.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

'He's probably just suffering from the heat,' says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, 'Who owns the white horse outside?'

The Lone Ranger says, 'That's mine, what's the problem this time?'

'Oh, no problem,' says the stranger, 'it's just that you've left your injun running.'

12-08-2001, 04:53 PM
If women ruled..

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

'Singles' bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a `good catch' simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 20 kg.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dips to women watching soap operas.

Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: `I'm sorry,' `I love you,' `Sure we can talk. Is now okay?'

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as their computer.

Road rage would turn in on oneself.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

Men would divide up chores with women so WOMEN could be horny.

TV news segments on sport would never run longer than one minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flushes and women would date 19-year-olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take six weeks paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two year-old for six weeks.

Mr. C
12-08-2001, 09:08 PM
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as their computer.

Mmmm - Hmmm..........OK:D

12-09-2001, 07:23 AM
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?'

The old man slyly looked at him and said, 'Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea.'

12-09-2001, 07:24 AM
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.

Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.

Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there." They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"

Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"

12-09-2001, 07:25 AM
An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes
to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.
'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.
'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'
'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.
'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'
'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'
'Oh,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'
'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'
'Hmmm, anything else?'
'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'
'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'
Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says,
'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $30 back, now f*** off.'

12-09-2001, 07:25 AM
25 children's books you'll never see:

1. You are different and that's bad.

2. Pop goes the hamster. . . and other great microwave games.

3. Testing homemade parachutes using only your household pets. . .

4. Barbar meets the Taxidermist.

5. Curious George and the high-voltage fence.

6. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.

7. Start a real estate empire with the change from your mum's purse.

8. Daddy's new wife Timothy.

9. The pop-up book of human anatomy.

10. Things rich kids have, but you never will.

11. The Care Bears maul some campers and are shot dead.

12. How to become the dominant military power in your elementary school.

13. Controlling the playground: Respect through fear.

14. You were an accident.

15. Strangers have the best sweets.

16. The Little Sissy who snitched.

17. Some kittens can fly!

18. Getting more chocolate on your face.

19. Kathy was so bad her mum stopped loving her.

20. The kids' guide to hitchhiking.

21. When Mummy and Daddy don't know the answer, they say God did it.

22. Garfield gets feline leukemia.

23. Why can't Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet befriends?

24. Bi-curious George.

25. Daddy drinks because you cry.

12-09-2001, 11:33 AM
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a
nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he
noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than
his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son,
"The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the
ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the
men have larger members than his dad. His mother
replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person

Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to
the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned
again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking
to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

12-09-2001, 11:34 AM
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man
in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young
attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter."

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-

12-09-2001, 10:27 PM
There were three people sitting at a bar. An Englishman, a Canadian
and an Australian. The Englishman boasted that in England that after 3 beer
you get your fourth one free. Not to be out done the Canadian responded
that in Canada after your first beer the second was free and after your third
beer the fourth was free. The Aussie then in a proud voice said that in
Australia the first five beer were free and you get laid after as well.
The Canadian and Englishman couldn't believe the Aussie so they asked if it
had ever happened to him. After some time the Australian admitted that he
hadn't experienced this but assured the Canadian and Englishman that
his sister had every weekend that she went out.

12-09-2001, 10:28 PM
An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star
hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his
wife asks,
'Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?'
The man says, 'My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!'
Further down the road the wife says, 'Look, another one!' and
husband says, 'Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to
the hotel.'
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden
leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in
and says, 'Look we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5
star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we
come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on,
recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only
to find a man with one leg, one wooden leg, masturbating on your
steps. Well, what do you have to say about that!?'
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden
leg to catch his own kangaroo?'

12-09-2001, 10:29 PM
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of
golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking
around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in
a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the
ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she
wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason
for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get
some knickers."
Two holes further along, the Irishman's wife caught her foot
on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground.
Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she
wasn't wearing any knickers either!
The Irishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason
for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that, the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and
said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some
Three holes further on, the Scotsman's wife caught her foot
on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt
over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers!
The Scotsman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason
for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
The Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a

12-09-2001, 10:30 PM
A Kiwi (ie New-Zealander), a sheep, and a dog were
survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there
awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to
watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for
romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog
got jealous, growling fiercely until the kiwi took his arm from around the
sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was
another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the
most beautiful woman the kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way
when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought
them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously
leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear..."Would you
mind taking the dog for a walk?"

12-09-2001, 10:35 PM
KIWI-ESE.....An Introductory Language Lesson
Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they're saying, just by following these easy steps,you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
What you hear and What it really means:
A MEDGEN: Visualise, Conjure up mentally, John Lennon's first solo Album "Imagine" as it was a Bug Hut in the "Land of the Long White Cloud"
BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by "Betsmen" in "Crucket"
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "Nick" and the "Billy"
BUGGER: As in "Mine is bugger then yours"
CHULLY BUN: "Chilly Bin" also known as an ESKY.
COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian Cricket team resigned tearfully in favour of Allan Border. "Come" insisted that all deliveries be overarm. Full Name: Kimberley John Hughes.
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in Democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" & "Libernon"
EKKA DYMOCKS: University Staff
GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves
CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.
SENDLES: Sandals, Thongs & open shoes.
COLOUR: Terminator; violent forecloser of human life.
CUSS: Kiss
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at Males.
PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse christened "Phillip" but was incorrectly written down as "Phar Lap" by an Australian (Racing official who was not well versed in KIWIESE)
DUNNESTY: US Television soap opera starred Joan Collins as "Elixirs Kerrungton"
ERROR ROUTE: Arnott's famous oval shaped "mulk error route buskets"
FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with "Rugger Tony" or "Tell ya, Tilly".

Just to be fair here are some translations from English to the
somewhat limited dialect of Australia known as "Ockerese"
Friend - Mate
Wife - Mate
Dog - Mate
Someone who's name you can't remember - Mate
Lunch - XXXX
a romantic dinner for 2 - a barbie
a romantic dinner for 200 - a barbie

12-09-2001, 10:44 PM
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we crash our computers.
Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE are gay. We know The Truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex. If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep (Ouch!).
It's possible to live our whole lives without taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will still find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to socially fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves - and coordinate.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve your problems. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

12-10-2001, 07:46 PM
A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped
at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end
of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing
smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into
the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him
and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your
face in!"

12-10-2001, 07:51 PM
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he
was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into
retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things
here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC
Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the
man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's
third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet
and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have
the duck."

12-10-2001, 10:01 PM
One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price.
After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy. When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy. He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself.
The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace.
The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. 'Randy' he said, 'You can't possibly last at this pace.' 'Slow down, I need you for a long time.'
Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said 'How could you?' 'I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were.' Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said 'Shh, they're getting closer.'

12-10-2001, 10:02 PM
There was this guy who owned a very fast motorcycle. His friends would always tell him, that because he only had one good eye (the other being a glass eye) that if he didn't slow down when he rides his motorcycle, he would someday be involved in a serious accident. But the friends' warnings were to no avail.
One day he did get into a terrible accident out on a lonely rarely used stretch of highway. The driver and his passenger were both eye doctors.
There was no one around when the accident happened. So one turned to the other and said, 'He just seems to be knocked out cold.' They checked the cyclist over and he seemed alright, except he had excessive damage to his eye.
The driver then said to his friend, 'Why don't we take him to our eye clinic, fix his eye, and then put him and the motorcycle back where the accident happened. We put him near to a tree, so that no one will think that anyone else was involved in the accident.' So they did just that.
The next day, the local newspaper reported the accident. The headline read, 'Mysterious Auto Accident Involving Cyclist with Two Glass Eyes.'

12-10-2001, 10:03 PM
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, 'Yahoo!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service station attendant. 'Nothing,' shrugged the woman, ' I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bareback........'

12-10-2001, 10:04 PM








12-10-2001, 10:04 PM
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, 'We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, 'Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replied, 'No problem at all, Pastor.' 'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied, 'The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.' 'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?'
'No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,' the young man replied sadly. 'What happened?' inquired the pastor.
'My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.'
'You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,' stated the pastor. 'We know,' said the young man, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.'

12-10-2001, 10:05 PM
A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!'
They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.'
The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, 'What are those?'
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?'

12-11-2001, 03:23 PM
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife
had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man
sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of
twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota
Twins baseball team."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and
announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood
up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his w
ife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for
the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little
strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When
I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a
breath of fresh air." The man continued, "
I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

12-11-2001, 03:24 PM
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the
car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is
just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer
and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out
standing in their field."

12-11-2001, 03:25 PM
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional
needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and
he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes
her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try
on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his
wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching
shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where
she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out --
but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The
husband says "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like
it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe
what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash

The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all
this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want
you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and
she is about to explode and the Husband says "You must not be in
tune with my financial needs as a Man!"

12-11-2001, 03:26 PM
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes
that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a
present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says
to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She
continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie
Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing
for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all
the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious," the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes
with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture.......

12-11-2001, 07:16 PM
The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished
giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he
meets his American counterpart.

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You
know, I have just one question about what I have seen
in America."

The American says "Well, your Excellency, anything I
can do to help you I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star
Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and
Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He
doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs on
Star Trek."

The American laughs, leans over and whispers, "That's
because it takes place in the future."


12-13-2001, 06:52 AM
A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. 'Can you tackle?' asked the coach. 'Watch this,' said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over. 'Wow,' said the coach. 'I'm impressed. Can you run?' 'Of course I can run,' said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash. 'Great!' enthused the coach. 'But can you pass a football?' The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. 'Well, sir,' he said, 'if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.'

12-13-2001, 06:53 AM
Why God never received a PhD?
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and often held on limited access mountain tops.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

12-13-2001, 06:54 AM
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, 'I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.' The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, 'If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.' And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
'I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.' The young son replied, 'Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?' The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, 'Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?' And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, 'Why not THIRTY times in a row?'
Finally, she said, 'Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.' Then the young son asked, 'Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?'

12-13-2001, 06:54 AM
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor. 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' And the congregation cried, 'Amen!' 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river.' And the congregation cried, 'Amen!' 'And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river.' And the congregation cried, 'Amen!' The preacher sat down. The deacon stood up. 'For our closing hymn,' he announced, 'let us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We shall gather at the river'.'

12-13-2001, 06:55 AM
Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: 'Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!'
'YES SIR!' replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. 'Now that's bravery!' exclaims the general.
'Ah, that's nothing,' says the Admiral, 'Seaman!' A seaman appears, 'YES, SIR!!' 'Take this weapon,' as he offers him an M14, 'Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
'YES SIR!!' replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
'Now that's courage!' says the admiral.
'Courage, nothin'' snorts the Army general. 'Get over here, private!'
'YES SIR!!' replies the private.
'Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.'
'YES SIR!!' replies the private, and completes the task.
'Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!'
They all look to the Marine. 'Private,' he says.
'YES SIR!!' 'Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.'
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, 'F*CK YOU SIR!!'
The general turns to the others and says, 'Now THAT'S bravery!'

12-13-2001, 09:18 AM
Did you hear that Wiggo doesn't drink any more?

He doesn't drink any less either :D :beer:

Mr. C
12-13-2001, 12:02 PM
Christmas Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

1 C Water
1 C Sugar
4 Large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C Brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Try another cup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for oxisisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???

12-13-2001, 12:04 PM
That's an oldy (like me) but a goody. :thumb:
Well here's one but I hope Bern doesn't see it. ;)

On his recent tour of Australia, the Pope took a couple of days
off his itinerary to visit the wild outdoors of northern Australia
on an impromptu safari.
Deep into the bush, his 4X4 Popemobile, was driving alongside a
river when there was an enormous commotion heard up ahead. They
rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope
noticed in the river, a hapless man wearing a New Zealand football
top, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty
foot crocodile.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing green & gold
football tops roared into view from around a bend in the river.
Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the
croc's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached and
pulled the Kiwi from the river and using long clubs beat the croc to
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat
along with the dead croc and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when
they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the river bank.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the
rescue and said: "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I
had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to
divide Austrailia & New Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own
eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial
harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could
follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others:
"Who was that???!" - "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the
He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well, " the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothing about
croc hunting! - What condition is the bait in?"


12-13-2001, 05:20 PM
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm
going to let you cool off in jail until the chief
gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his
prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's
at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood
when he gets back."

"I doubt that very much" said the man "I am the
man who's marrying his daughter!"

12-13-2001, 05:21 PM
Little Johnny's father called him one day and said,
"Little Johnny, Do you know who pushed over the

Little Johnny replied, "Yes, Father, I must admit,
that I pushed over the outhouse."
Little Johnny's father said, "Well, just for that
you will go to bed without supper for one whole
week, and tonight you'll meet me outside the
woodshed for a whupping."

"But Dad," Little Johnny said, tears starting to
well up in his eyes. "George Washington's father
asked him who chopped down the cherry tree, and
George Washington didn't lie, and told his father
the truth, and his father didn't punish him."

"That's right, Little Johnny," his father replied,
"But George Washington's father wasn't in that
cherry tree at the time."

12-13-2001, 05:22 PM
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before
Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their
heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking
God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then
he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,
Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then
he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for
the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry
sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he
paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long
silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and
asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know
that I'm lying?"

12-13-2001, 05:23 PM
Christmas Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

1 C Water
1 C Sugar
4 Large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C Brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Try another cup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for oxisisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???

my kinda recipe

12-13-2001, 10:36 PM
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. 'He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted a laxative and told him to take it all at once' John explained. 'Laxatives won't cure a cough' Bob shouted angrily. 'Sure it will' John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. 'Look at him. He's afraid to cough.'

12-13-2001, 10:36 PM
fter the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it. The guy from ******ss sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a ******ss?' The ******ss president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

12-13-2001, 10:37 PM
The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named... MR. POTATO HEAD. He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

12-13-2001, 10:38 PM
How to Change Your Oil
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982) in the left boob.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.
40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.

12-13-2001, 10:39 PM
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, 'You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!'

12-13-2001, 10:39 PM
HAHAH nice one KAY!!!

12-13-2001, 10:40 PM
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.' Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures - 25 cents.' 'Why not,' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, 'This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents.' The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his ***** into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his ***** which now had a button sewed on the tip.

12-13-2001, 10:42 PM
This one is better!! You now more?

12-13-2001, 10:46 PM
mmmmmmmmmmmmm..........maybe ;)

12-13-2001, 10:48 PM
mmmmmmmmmmmmm..........maybe ;)

Tell!!!!! :angel:

12-13-2001, 10:55 PM
Ok, just one more before bed then.............

This past New Year's Eve, when a couple of friends and I were enjoying ourselves just before midnight at a local bar, a girl in the bar stood up and announced that it was time to get ready for the celebrations. She told everybody that at the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was rather embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

12-19-2001, 07:31 PM
Dave was talking to his buddy, John, about his love life.
'So, John, how's it going with the ladies?'
'Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects.'
'Yep,' John shook his head, 'Whenever I mention sex, they object.'

12-19-2001, 07:33 PM
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
'Listen,' says the Doc, 'I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.
Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.'
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. 'Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!'
'Well,' says the physician, 'I'm glad I could help.'
'By the way, Doc,' the patient adds, 'You have a really nice house.'

12-19-2001, 07:34 PM
Translated: 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.'
Translated: 'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical'.
Translated: 'Why isn't it already on the table?'
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
Translated: 'I have no idea how it works.'
Translated: 'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.'
Translated: 'Are you still talking?'
Translated: 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.'
Translated: 'The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.'
Translated: 'I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.'
Translated: 'And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.'
Translated: 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.'
Translated: 'What did you catch me at?'
Translated: 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.'
Translated: 'I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse.
Translated: 'Oh, Gosh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.'
Translated: 'No one will ever see us alive again.'

12-19-2001, 07:35 PM
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, 'Where are you going?'
He replied, 'To the kitchen.'
She asked, 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
He replied, 'Sure.'
She then asked him, 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
He said, 'No, I can remember that.'
She then said, 'Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that.'
He said, 'I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
She replied, 'Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.'
With irritation in his voice, he said, 'I don't need to write that down! I can remember that.' He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:'I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!'

12-19-2001, 07:36 PM
The young Farmer Brown made an appointment with the family doctor regarding sexual problems he was having with his wife.
'Now listen, Luke,' the doctor advised, 'you have to be more loving to your wife. Give her lots of hugs and kisses. Show her how much you care.'
'Well, I do the best I can, Doc,' the fellow cried. 'You see I'm up before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk. I'm just too tired.'
The doctor thought for a moment and then said, 'Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a- runnin'.'
About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor.... this time really depressed. 'What's wrong' asked the doctor. 'Didn't you take my advice?'
'Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week,' moaned the farmer. 'I haven't seen her since.'

12-20-2001, 08:54 AM
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"

12-20-2001, 08:55 AM
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a ***** Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "F@ck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight *****!"

12-20-2001, 08:57 AM
A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"

The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?"

"Good, got any grapes?"

12-20-2001, 08:59 AM
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

12-20-2001, 09:09 AM
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Clyde!"

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

With tears in his eyes, a little boy told his teacher that he could not find his snow boots. The teacher took him by the hand and walked into the coat room. "There's your boots!" she exclaimed, pointing at the only pair of boots that were there. "But those are not MY boots!" the little boy wailed. "Are you sure?" the teacher asked. "I'm sure!" he sobbed. "Mine had SNOW on them!"

A little girl walked into a store to do some Christmas shopping. "I'd like a pair of bedroom slippers for my grandma," she told the the clerk. He replied, "Sorry, we don't do exchanges."

12-20-2001, 09:13 AM
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

12-20-2001, 09:25 AM
Why Parents Turn Gray
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?

"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child."Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"

12-20-2001, 03:21 PM
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years.
Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of
those years by telling about their lives. Finally
Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you
visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking
behind the apartment. Park and come around to the
front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the
elevator and press the button with your left elbow,
then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down
the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press
the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of
kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator
buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

12-20-2001, 03:22 PM
10 sure ways to make yourself popular at the office
================================================== =

10. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if
they don't, and then punch them in the mouth.
9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives
you the sympathy remarks.. tell everyone how you're just kidding..
8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard- then during the
meeting put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up
a big loogie - then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it
to the person next to you and say 'Beat that!'
7. Inform a male coworker that he 'wouldn't make a good hooker,' then
piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good 'ass f*cking.'
6. Always walk around with a big smile and keep one hand down the
front of your pants.
5. Answer every question asked to you with 'f*ck if I know!' then call
the person a racial slur that doesn't even match their race.
4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your
nuts. Get them really sweaty, and then walk around shaking
everyone's hand.
3. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and
yell, 'It won't stop! God help me! It won't stop!' Then when it
stops... look down and say... 'Oh!'
2. Ask to borrow someone's pen- bring it to the bathroom - stick it in
your butt - return it and tell the person to smell it - when they
tell you that it smells bad - be like, 'It should! I had it in my
1. **** on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees
it, tell them it's the fake plastic kind- when they try to pick it
up, and realize that their hand is full of ****, laugh and point.

12-20-2001, 03:23 PM
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the
soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens,"
he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

12-20-2001, 03:24 PM
More than 100%

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%."
Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of
here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one
achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.

IF :

A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5
F = 6
G = 7
H = 8
I = 9
J = 10
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q = 17
R = 18
S = 19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26


H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%


K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interesting (and as you'd expect),

A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.


B U L L S H I T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management,
and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!

12-22-2001, 08:38 AM
<center>Rain or Snow</center>

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", Rudolph replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!",
To which her husband replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

12-22-2001, 12:29 PM
You know you're really broke when...

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with
Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in
tennis shoes.

Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther's sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You're in college.

On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a
thanksgiving meal.

You owe yourself money.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you

12-22-2001, 12:30 PM
Short But Sweet

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you
know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes


"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better
with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."


Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.


In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must
have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but
I'd sure love to blow his mind."


Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her
husband's away!


"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh

12-22-2001, 12:32 PM
A young man is lost and walking in the desert. One hot day, he spots the
home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and
collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to
health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the
nearest town. On his way out, he sees the missionaries horse. He goes back
into the house and asks the him if he could borrow his horse. The
missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You
have to say `Thank God' to make it go and `Amen' to make it stop." Not
paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse
and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank
God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the
man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.
Pretty soon he sees a cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to
make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers,
The horse stops four inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the
saddle and says, "Thank God."

12-22-2001, 12:35 PM
A local charity office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The
person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him
to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you
like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her
annual income?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined
to a wheelchair?"

The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was
interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic
accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her
penniless withthree children?!"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't
give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?"

The Wizard
12-22-2001, 01:42 PM
A woman goes into her gynecologist's office, and is a little nervous. her doctor comes in and can tell she is a bit on edge, so he says "is there anything wrong?" and she says "im just a little nervous, the exams are always a little uncomfortable" and he says "ok, would you like me to numb it up a bit then?" and she says that would be great. so then he....drops his head between her legs..
"num num num num num num!"

hahaha:cackle: :cackle: :clap:

12-22-2001, 02:33 PM
Trust you to come up with something like that :cackle:

12-22-2001, 03:17 PM
LOL, num num num. :laugh:

12-22-2001, 03:26 PM

It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life.
This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last, but not least, I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Mr. C
01-08-2002, 12:39 PM
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
She replied, "He said, 'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!'"
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, the deaf sister asked, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other sister replied, "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
Yet again, the deaf sister yells to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The twin sister replies, "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

01-08-2002, 12:45 PM
LOL.. that was good.. :thumb:

Mr. C
01-08-2002, 12:55 PM
* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
the morning and see something really scary.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Mr. C
01-08-2002, 01:00 PM
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 512MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."

01-08-2002, 01:00 PM
* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra.

* WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

oh, i get those all the time.. :D

Mr. C
01-08-2002, 01:38 PM
Further proof that we must be more
careful about the long term implications of our
priorities for funding medical research:
Over the past few years more money has been
spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
Alzheimer's Disease.The inevitable result
is that soon we will have a lot of people running
around with huge breasts and persistent
erections who cannot remember what to do with them.

01-08-2002, 01:46 PM
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him
how he's feeling.

"I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
you think about that"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs
his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a
grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points
it at the bear and squeezes the handle.

The bear drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."

01-08-2002, 01:46 PM
One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their
computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing
away. Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.
When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where
he left off, but the Devil's screen was black. Satan says,
"How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!"
Then one person in Hell says, "No, Jesus Saves."

Mr. C
01-08-2002, 01:47 PM
What took you so long WS?

01-08-2002, 02:05 PM
My screen went blank :(

01-08-2002, 02:33 PM
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

01-08-2002, 02:34 PM
Three preachers and their wives showed up at the pearly gates.

St Peter greeted the first and informed him he would not be allowed to come in. "Why not?" asked the preacher. "Well," St Peter said, "It says here in the book that you had a lust for money--matter of fact your lust was so great you refused to get married until you met a woman named Penny."

St Peter turned to the second preacher and told him that he would not be allowed to enter either, because of his lust for liquor. "Says here that your lust was so great you refused to get married until you met a woman named Brandy."

At that point the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "Come on, Fanny, we might as well leave."

01-08-2002, 03:09 PM
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets
and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective
seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed
the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor
came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and
said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket
in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy
a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.
The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left
his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants
were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

01-08-2002, 03:10 PM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's
advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office
after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There
are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer
to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. David slew Goliath,
he did not kick the **** out of him. When David was hit by a rock
and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We
do not refer to the cross as the big T! When Jesus broke the bread
at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my
body", he did not say ,"Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred
to as the "Mary with the cherry." The reccomended grace before a
mealis not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." Next Sunday
there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

01-08-2002, 09:18 PM
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your ***** is under your pillow!"

01-08-2002, 09:20 PM
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

01-08-2002, 09:21 PM

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

"Hi. Now you say something."

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

01-08-2002, 09:24 PM
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Mr. C
01-09-2002, 10:57 AM
This one is dedicated to the gals of TT;

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd in a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.


Mr. C
01-09-2002, 11:00 AM
10. Your desk has a big sign on it that says: For Rent.

09. Whenever you try to dial an outside line, the receptionist asks you to "Please deposit 35Ę"

08. Your boss starts off a conversation with, "Man, I just love daytime television, don't you?"

07. Water cooler conversations revolve around the fact that there is never any water left.

06. All paychecks have replaced the name of the company with the letters: I.O.U.

05. When you're not looking, bosses steal your office supplies.

04. You're daily dose of "Good morning" is replaced with "Good Luck."

03. Three times a day a complete stranger asks you: What is it you do, again?

02. Instead of distributing business cards, the company encourages you to write your number on a matchbook.

01. Management plasters big sign outside office building that reads: Going out of business: Everyone must go!

01-09-2002, 02:08 PM
Al's barn burned down, and, Mary, his wife, called
the insurance company.
Mary: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand
and I want my money."
Agent: "Now just a minute, Mary, it doesn't work
quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the
old barn and provide you with a new one of
comparable worth."
Mary, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy
on my husband."

01-09-2002, 02:09 PM
There was this truck driver who had to deliver five
hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving
his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down.
After waiting by the side of the road for about three
hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver
$5,000 to take the penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and
sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500
penguins walking single file behind him.

The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says,
"What's going on? I gave you $5,000 to take these
penguins to the zoo!"

The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the
zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going
to see a movie."

Mr. C
01-09-2002, 02:17 PM
My screen went blank :(
I hate when that happens:shoot2:

01-09-2002, 02:38 PM
It must be the devil coming out in me :D

01-09-2002, 07:43 PM
Subject: Confucious Say...

Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
Man with holes in pocket, feels ****y all day.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with ***** in peanut butter is ****ing nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have ****ty time.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

01-09-2002, 07:46 PM
Confucious say...

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless *******.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

01-11-2002, 05:38 AM
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf, and about to
tee off on the third hole lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit
her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly
at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball
smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to
see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found
no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon
further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch
with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the
vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so
grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes i am. In fact, I am so grateful i will grant you two
wishes, and the third i will keep for myself." the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch
handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The
other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, i would like to have my way with
your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after
all, i made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife
"How long have you been married?"

To which she responded "Three years."

The genie then asked "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied "31 years old"

The genie then asked "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

01-11-2002, 05:39 AM
A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have
3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."Jay's
wife goes out and moves her car.A week later while they are eating
breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5
inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of
street, so the snowplow can get through."Jay's wife goes out and moves her
car again.The next week they are having breakfast again,
when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow
today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out. Jay's wife
says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."Jay says, "Why don't you just leave
it in the garage this time?

01-11-2002, 05:41 AM
Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly
buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large
pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours
since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs,
she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began
to pig out.

She ate and ate...and then...she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her
face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten
far too much and could not get off the ground.

Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning
upright against the barn wall. She'd found a
solution!! She realized if she could just climb up
that handle and jump off to become airborne she'd be
able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the
handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her
tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She
dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.

Dead Fly.

What is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're
full of sh*t."

01-11-2002, 06:59 AM
Todd was arrested AGAIN and the detective was leafing through his crime history folder.

"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run,
disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault,
forgery, sexual assault, manslaughter..."

"Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."

01-11-2002, 07:00 AM
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a
strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your dad."

01-11-2002, 07:01 AM
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

01-11-2002, 07:02 AM
I don't want to worry you," Johnny said to his teacher, "but last night my dad said that if I didn't start getting better grades on my next report card, someone's ass was going to get kicked."

01-11-2002, 05:50 PM
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog he
doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the local Baptist
pastor and asked, "Pastor, my dog is dead. Could you do a funeral
for the creature?"

Pastor Jones replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the
church, but there's a new denomination down the road - no telling what
they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate
for the service?"

Pastor Patrick asked, "Why didn't you TELL me the dog was Baptist?"

01-11-2002, 05:53 PM
Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century king of
Prussia. Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and
in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have
interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was
escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners.

One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before
him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter
innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's
curiosity was aroused.

"You," he called. "You, there!"

The prisoner looked up. "Yes, your majesty?"

"Why are you here?"

"Armed robbery, your majesty."

"And are you guilty?"

"Entirely guilty, your majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said,
"Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him
here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid
innocent people who occupy it."

01-11-2002, 06:00 PM
The Outhouse Poem

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face

She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

01-11-2002, 06:09 PM
Now that was http://www.freakygamers.com/smilies/s2/contrib/ruinkai/FIREdevil.gif real http://www.freakygamers.com/smilies/s2/contrib/ruinkai/FIREdevil.gif
http://www.3dpcgame.com/cwm/s/ups/icis/ices_rofl.gif%20 material

01-11-2002, 06:15 PM
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He *can* talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

Mr. C
01-12-2002, 12:00 PM
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes ...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Then everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson, who was in the back seat, what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing -- why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


Mr. C
01-12-2002, 12:06 PM
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without
success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof
plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume
and learned the mating call of a female moose. The
plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then
come out of the costume and shoot it. They set
themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their
costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said,
"Okay, letís get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy
in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we
going to do?"
The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

01-12-2002, 03:16 PM
"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no
cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it
goes away."

"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making
me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling.
Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot
bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run
around the block three or four times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

01-12-2002, 03:17 PM
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

01-13-2002, 05:43 PM
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few
minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over
and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown,
I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so
he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he
poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

01-13-2002, 05:44 PM
Biker Granny
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local
biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big,
hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your

The guy was amused, and decides to humor her a bit,
so he says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join.

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies "Yep ...my bike's parked
over there," and points to a flamed black Harley
chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady
replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any
man in your club under the table.

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old
lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least
4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a
couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting

The biker is very impressed and asks,"You sound like
one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up
by the fuzz? The little old lady says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my **** a few times.

01-13-2002, 06:53 PM
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

01-14-2002, 12:53 PM
**** may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can be **** faced,
**** out of luck,
or have **** for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your **** together,
find a place for your ****
or decide to **** or get off the pot.

You can smoke ****,
buy ****,
sell ****,
lose ****,
find ****,
forget ****,
and tell others to eat **** and die.

Some people know their ****, while others
can't tell the difference between **** and shineola.

There are lucky ****s,
dumb ****s,
crazy ****s,
and sweet ****s.

There is bull ****,
horse **** and
chicken ****.

You can throw ****,
sling ****,
catch ****,
shoot ****,
or duck when **** hits the fan.

You can give a **** or
serve **** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep ****
or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****,
some days are hotter than ****,
and some days are just plain ****ty.

Some music sounds like ****,
things can look like ****,
and there are times when you feel like ****.

You can have too much ****,
not enough ****,
the right ****,
the wrong **** or
a lot of weird ****.

You can carry ****,
have a mountain of ****,
or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to ****
and other times you fall in a bucket of **** and
come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your ****,
you don't need to know anything else!

01-14-2002, 12:59 PM
i have one just like that, but for the word **** and its an audio file, i'll see if i can find it

01-14-2002, 01:02 PM
so do I.. it's called **** - It's many uses.... :)

Mr. C
01-14-2002, 07:17 PM
World's Thinnest Books

23. Microsoft's complete guide to virus protection.
22. Microsoft's complete guide to data security.
21. Bill Gates' guide to creating unique applications and PC
operating systems.
20. Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates.
19. Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno.
18. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver.
17. How To Get To The Superbowl - by Dan Marino
16. Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton.
15. My Life's Memories - by Ronald Reagan.
14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman
13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean.
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers.
10. Detroit - A Travel Guide
9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches.
8. Everything Men Know About Women.
7. Everything Women Know About Men.
6. All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette.
4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club.
3. The Amish Phone Directory.
2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson
1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton.

01-14-2002, 08:46 PM

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary". Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.
The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. The wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies,
"No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

01-15-2002, 05:15 AM
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected,
sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably
distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the
doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck
seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to
show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever
seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."

01-15-2002, 05:16 AM
The governors of Alabama, Georgia & Mississippi would
like to announce that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states. Apparently, a small
number of terrorists have become romantically
involved with the locals. The result was not pretty,
and we now have the sad task of reporting a new
hybrid ethnic group, ISLAMABUBBAS .

So far, only a smattering of actual births has been
reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate
and seal them off. To date, we have identified the

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat

Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from
one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin

01-15-2002, 10:28 AM
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

01-15-2002, 03:24 PM
Job Recruiter's Lingo pt 1

Competitive Salary

we remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our Fast-Pace Team

we have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere

we don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a
couple of the real daring guys wear earings.

Must be Deadline Oriented

you'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some Overtime Required

some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties Will Vary

anyone in the office can boss you around.

01-15-2002, 03:24 PM
Job Recruiter's Lingo pt 2

Must have an Eye for Detail

we have no quality control

Apply in Person

If you're old, fat or ugly, you'll be told the position has
been filled.

No Phone Calls Please

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must

you're walking into a company in perpetual chaos

Good Communication Skills

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
want, and doit.

Require Team Leadership Skills

you'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay
or respect.

Mr. C
01-15-2002, 07:27 PM
Granny was in her eighties and much admired for
her sweetness and kindness
to all. The pastor came to call on her one
afternoon early in the spring
and she welcomed him into her parlor..

He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As
he sat facing her old pump
organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl
sitting on top of it, filled
with water.

In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise! And curiosity!
Surely, Miss Granny had
flipped!! But he felt he couldn't mention the
strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with the tea and cookies they
began to chat. The pastor tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and the floating item, but soon
it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Granny," he said while pointing to the
bowl, "I wonder if you could
tell me about this?"

"Oh, yes", she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was
walking down town last fall and I found this
little package. The directions said
to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
prevent disease.
And you know . . . I haven't had a cold all

01-15-2002, 07:32 PM
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve thecouple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................

Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."

Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
especially twins."

Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows
the subject to really spread out.

Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to

Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on
top of a bus in downtown London."

Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.

They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Ms Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
under such impossible conditions. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling
at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to
ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my
work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my
patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one
in the front window of a big department store."

Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!

01-16-2002, 02:29 PM
<center>Never Argue With A Woman</center>

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort New Zealand.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat.
She drove out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the warden in his boat.
He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and charge you."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the warden.
"Yes, she replied, "but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.

<center>:beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer:</center>

01-16-2002, 04:31 PM
...........and dont you forget it :D

01-17-2002, 06:47 PM
Time to pick on the men!

If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?

When a woman makes a fool of a man....it is usually an improvement!

Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk!

Equality is a myth - woman are better!

All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.

Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they think!

The average man is proof that women can take a joke!

A man who belittles a woman in public is only trying to pull her down to his size.

Q: What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
A: A widower!

01-17-2002, 06:49 PM
Statements that will almost gaurantee you won't get any!

"Oh, you had a bad day at work? Where's my dinner?"

"I know this is the fifth night in a row I've been out with the guys,
but it's the Tyson fight."

"I know it's a 3-day golf weekend...we'll make love when I get back, OK?"

"Are you retaining water this week?"

"I was only kidding..."

"Are you feeling ok? You look like ****."

"Your best friend Debbie is such a *****!"

"I'll be right up after the Simpsons, OK?"

"You should see the new sexy, young employee that started today..."

"I don't really care for cats."

01-17-2002, 10:42 PM
<center>Some American Sayings</center>

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway!

Welcome To **** Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
<center>:beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer:</center>

01-17-2002, 11:22 PM
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,
"Dear Lord,I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.I want her to know what I go through, so please
create a trade in our bodies".

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked
breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school
clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power
bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone
company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put
away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and
bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to
the school to pick the kids and got into an argument with them on the
way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while
he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After
supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted
and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where
he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without
complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately
knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite
wisdom, replied,

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy
to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait
9 months, though. You got pregnant last night"

01-17-2002, 11:23 PM
A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000
to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious
and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have
my reasons which I would rather not tell right now." So, the artist
goes ahead and does the job.

But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants
a $100 bill on his p*nis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to
know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would
have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a
$100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three
reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch
my money grow. And third,and most importantly, the next time my wife
wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

01-18-2002, 04:47 PM
Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. At
his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for
each other on the SAME track?

Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of
the trains."

"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the

"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny,
"and use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal
box & phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd
rush down out of the box & use the public emergency
phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my
Uncle Toby."

This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he
asked, "And just why would you do that?"

"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!"

01-18-2002, 04:48 PM
Taliban Trap

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One American Marine is better than
ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers
over the dune where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few
minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One American Marine is better than one hundred
Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops
over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One American Marine is better than one
thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand
fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun
fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one
wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words
tells his commander... "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are
actually two of them."

01-19-2002, 10:40 AM
<center>A Blonde Joke</center>

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant.
The pharmacist a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry" says the pharmacist " we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
The pharmacist asks "Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes" said the blonde "I'll go home and get it".
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at her and says "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
The annoyed blonde snatches back the container and reads out loud from the container,

( Wait for it - it's good )

"To apply, push up bottom"

01-19-2002, 10:58 AM
Military ****

Rated PG-13

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb.
weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says,

"This is ****!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles,
and says with a smile,

"This is good ****!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after
swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles
at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin,

"This really is great ****."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with
65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an
aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore,
killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles
through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says,

"I love this ****."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and

"My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"

01-19-2002, 10:59 AM
Will Rogers

A long time ago, there was a man named Will Rogers,
and this is what he said:

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n
puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full
of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither
one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock
of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter
or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to
have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by
reading, the few who learn by observation, and the
rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for

01-20-2002, 10:27 AM
<center>A Delicate Problem</center>

When Ralph first noticed that his ***** was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his ***** had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you ?"
<center>:beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer:</center>

01-20-2002, 08:28 PM
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average ***** and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

01-20-2002, 08:30 PM
A (supposedly) true story:

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.

"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.

. <after a short pause and several clicks>

"Jesus Christ - whadda *****in' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now"

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

01-20-2002, 08:32 PM
Newt Gingrich is on an airplane, flying back to DC. The guy sitting next to him is immersed in a book and pays no attention to Newt. Toward the end of the flight Newt asks:

Newt: "What book is that you're reading? Man: "It's called 'Deductive Reasoning'." Newt: "Sounds interesting, what's it about?" Man: "Let me give you an example."
Newt: "Okay."
Man: "Do you have a dog?"
Newt: "Yes, I do, as a matter of fact." Man: "I would deduce from this, then, that you have a yard as well, no?" Newt: "Yes! I do have a yard." Man: "Then I would further deduce that you have a house next to this yard?" Newt: "I do!" Man: "Then I'll bet you have a family, don't you?" Newt: "Yes, a very nice family!" Man: "And you're a heterosexual, aren't you?" Newt: "You betcha! I'm beginning to see how this works!"

Later that week, Newt goes out and buys the book on deductive reasoning and is determined to read it cover to cover on his return flight. His plane takes off and he begins reading. Two hours later, the man sitting next to him notices how Newt is so engrossed in this book, and just can't keep himself from being impolite and interrupting:

Man: "Excuse me, sir, what's that you're reading?" Newt: "It's called, 'Deductive Reasoning'." Man: "Oh. Then you must have learned how to use deductive reasoning, eh?"
Newt: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I have. Let me show you how it works." Man: "Okay." Newt: "Do you have a dog?" Man: "No." Newt: "Well, then, you must be a homosexual!"

01-22-2002, 06:53 PM
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a
baby.The preacher went to the congregation and asked
for a raise. After much consideration and discussion,
they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and
the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and
bickering about how much the clergy- man's additional
children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
"having children is an "act of God!"

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old man stood up
and in his frail voice said .... "snow and rain are
also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear

01-22-2002, 06:54 PM
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah,right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes
to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman
is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The
woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully
ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,and
as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy,
I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first
and second place."

01-23-2002, 10:38 PM
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!

01-24-2002, 04:46 AM
Laid Off
After being laid off from five different jobs in four
months my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one
day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the
loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook
his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of
Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much
will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500." said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally
got job security!"

01-24-2002, 04:47 AM
This Amazing Trick
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see
a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat,
the man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you
do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But
then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then.
Just tell my wife!"

01-24-2002, 09:20 AM
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He
takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a
red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90
years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car
and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why
does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states
the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says
"That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides
to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and
within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly,
the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to
be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going
maybe 3 times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than
my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot
coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked
like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy.
How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees
a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and, jeezus to betsy, it is the old
man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for
certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks
"You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the
side-view mirror on your car!"

01-24-2002, 12:22 PM

01-24-2002, 12:23 PM
hehehe.. not bad... here's a joke for ya..

<---- (me)

HAHAHAHA...... what? I thought it was funny... :(

01-24-2002, 12:28 PM
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

01-24-2002, 12:29 PM

<img src="http://www.tweaktown.com/vbulletin/attachment.php?s=&postid=19584"> ... hehehehe

<img src="http://www.tweaktown.com/vbulletin/attachment.php?s=&postid=19584"> ... Hehehehe...

<img src="http://www.tweaktown.com/vbulletin/attachment.php?s=&postid=19584"> ... Ha Ha ha hahaha...

<img src="http://www.tweaktown.com/vbulletin/attachment.php?s=&postid=19584"> ... LOL

<img src="http://www.tweaktown.com/vbulletin/attachment.php?s=&postid=19584"> ... ROFL

<img src="http://www.tweaktown.com/vbulletin/attachment.php?s=&postid=19584"> ... ROFLMAO

<img src="http://www.tweaktown.com/vbulletin/attachment.php?s=&postid=19584"> ... :crazy:

01-24-2002, 12:34 PM
Red x's don't count Beefy :angryfire

01-24-2002, 12:42 PM
they ain't red x's... they are the little fart smiley.. :)

<img src="http://www.tweaktown.com/vbulletin/attachment.php?s=&postid=19584">

01-24-2002, 12:59 PM
look like red x's to me :)

01-24-2002, 01:03 PM
Nyah nyah beefy http://www.minorannoyance.net/~spin/Smilies/kao/otn/pcheers3.gif cheers wuntvor :thumb:

01-24-2002, 01:04 PM
cheers ;)

here's another for the techies :D

01-24-2002, 01:14 PM
beefy, try using this url:

instead of your server1.tweaktown one

01-24-2002, 01:29 PM
good thinking.. :) is that any better?

01-24-2002, 01:32 PM
working now :)

01-24-2002, 01:33 PM
good... now i feel oh so much better...

01-24-2002, 01:37 PM
good deal :thumb:

now if olie will just fix his sig ;)

01-24-2002, 01:38 PM
shhhh, don't want to scare ppl again ;)

01-24-2002, 01:38 PM
what, delete it? :D

01-24-2002, 01:42 PM
Fix it to his proper photo would be better :thumb:

01-24-2002, 01:43 PM
no, that's just evil.

01-24-2002, 01:43 PM
what kay said :thumb:

01-24-2002, 01:49 PM

01-24-2002, 01:50 PM
For Beefy when no one is posting here on TT ;)


Things you can do with absolutely nothing:

Push your eyes for interesting light show:

(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars
and flashes. Try to make out things-is your subconscious trying
to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing
different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to
somehow see the same effects on TV?

See how long you can hold your breath:

(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it
sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your
own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and
stay as still as possible.

Try to not think about polar bears:

(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard,
because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to
avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking
about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself:

(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself
now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty

Hurt yourself:

(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it
unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your
mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem
nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue:

(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about
this one. It is possible.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:

(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster.
It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image,
and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time.
Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible:

(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking
straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't
even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom
seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

Things you can do with very little:

See what's in your neighbor's trash:

(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about
people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret
about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value
that still works, like a VCR.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:

(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun
to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:

(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has
thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had
the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't
qualify as a prank phone call, too.

Make prank phone calls:

(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but
requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call
funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story
will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line
using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get
you started off: Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you:

(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this
really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be
factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only
be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or
broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon
gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:

(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of
this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off
immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel
the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

Burn things with a magnifying glass:

(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use
for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under
some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

Things you can do with another person:

Have a water drinking contest:

(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is
fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your
event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the
tables after you have emptied them.

Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:

(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the
feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does
this really work?

Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:

(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will
make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose.
Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes
you lose.

Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:

(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog
has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15
to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of
counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc.
Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:

(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people.
Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you
can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of
times before the person catches on.

Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:

(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an
even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry
at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big
that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

01-24-2002, 06:45 PM
that'd make me really popular at work.. i spin around on my chair, stumble into the corridor cos i can't see cos i've been staring at my finger as it's goughing out my eye.. . :)

01-24-2002, 07:52 PM
well you did ask for things to do at work in one of these threads..........just trying to be helpful :angel:

01-28-2002, 01:50 PM
"Bless Australia...I say."

By Abdullah Abdurahan.
In Afghanistan, things not OK
Think to self, "Must get away."
So jump on boat and come to Aussie,
"Ah so," I say, "what a lovely possie."

Go quick smart to welfare fella -
He hand me money -
I give bank teller.
Welfare say, "Come no more...
We send your cheque right to your door."

Six months on dole -
no longer poor,
Drive around in Commodore.
Write to friends in Afghanistan,
Tell them, "Come here quick as can."

Still on welfare (work at job)
So get loan from Finance mob,
Get pretty smart - know what to do,
Buy big house in Waterloo.

Friends write and tell me, "On the way.
Can I find them a place to stay?"
When they arrive, with beds I fix,
In just four rooms - get twenty-six.

Soon am banking plenty rent,
(five in backyard) - live in tent.
All are drawing Social money,
Must think Howard "Bloody Bunny".

With all my friends now living there,
Next door neighbour start to swear.
Tell me he must move away,
I buy his house, with cash I pay.

Now everything is going good,
Soon I own all neighbourhood.
Open fish shop next to Coles,
Make big profit from spring rolls.
Get real fat from eating nice,
Sure as hell, beats bloody rice.
Still on welfare, still get rents,
Think I buy Mercedes Benz.
Very happy, real good life,
Bring out girl and make her wife.
Take up hobby, call it breeding,
Baby bonus pay for feeding.
Kids need dentist,
wife needs pills.
We get for free,
we got no bills.

White man good, he pay all year,
To keep the Welfare running here.
We thank Australia, damn good place,
Too damn good for Aussie race.
So if you no like Arab man,

01-28-2002, 10:15 PM
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

01-29-2002, 03:56 AM
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As
Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most
stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up
onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I
want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch ...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back and forth, light gleaming off its polished

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

01-29-2002, 03:57 AM
Kin yew breathe?

Two Hillbillies in Arkansas were having the blue plate special (Road Kill)
at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound. They
turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from
wolfing down a burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other,
"Think we otta' hep?" "I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on
the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to
breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that
there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever'time .

01-29-2002, 04:41 PM
A few statements to ponder...George Carlin quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

01-29-2002, 05:21 PM
The answer to no 8 ) is yes :D

01-29-2002, 05:32 PM
that is what the email was about that I told you about yesterday