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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #91
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    Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
    heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it,
    I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"

    The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional
    needs as a Woman.

    The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and
    he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes
    her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try
    on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his
    wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching
    shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where
    she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

    The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out --
    but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The
    husband says "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like
    it then let's get it."

    The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe
    what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash
    register."

    The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all
    this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want
    you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and
    she is about to explode and the Husband says "You must not be in
    tune with my financial needs as a Man!"

  2. #92
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    Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes
    that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a
    present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says
    to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

    In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She
    continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie
    Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,
    Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing
    for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

    Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all
    the others are only $19.95?"

    "That's obvious," the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes
    with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture.......

  3. #93
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    The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished
    giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he
    meets his American counterpart.

    They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You
    know, I have just one question about what I have seen
    in America."

    The American says "Well, your Excellency, anything I
    can do to help you I will do."

    The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star
    Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and
    Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He
    doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs on
    Star Trek."

    The American laughs, leans over and whispers, "That's
    because it takes place in the future."

    <center></center>

  4. #94
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    A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. 'Can you tackle?' asked the coach. 'Watch this,' said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over. 'Wow,' said the coach. 'I'm impressed. Can you run?' 'Of course I can run,' said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash. 'Great!' enthused the coach. 'But can you pass a football?' The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. 'Well, sir,' he said, 'if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.'

  5. #95
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    Why God never received a PhD?
    1. He had only one major publication.
    2. It was in Hebrew.
    3. It had no references.
    4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
    5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
    6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
    8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
    9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
    10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
    11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
    12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
    13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
    14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
    15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
    16. His office hours were infrequent and often held on limited access mountain tops.
    17. No record of working well with colleagues.

  6. #96
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    On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
    In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
    Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, 'I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.' The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
    Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, 'If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.' And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
    The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
    'I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.' The young son replied, 'Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?' The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, 'Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?' And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, 'Why not THIRTY times in a row?'
    Finally, she said, 'Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.' Then the young son asked, 'Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?'

  7. #97
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    A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor. 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' And the congregation cried, 'Amen!' 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river.' And the congregation cried, 'Amen!' 'And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river.' And the congregation cried, 'Amen!' The preacher sat down. The deacon stood up. 'For our closing hymn,' he announced, 'let us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We shall gather at the river'.'

  8. #98
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    Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
    To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: 'Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!'
    'YES SIR!' replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
    The general dismisses him. 'Now that's bravery!' exclaims the general.
    'Ah, that's nothing,' says the Admiral, 'Seaman!' A seaman appears, 'YES, SIR!!' 'Take this weapon,' as he offers him an M14, 'Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
    'YES SIR!!' replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
    'Now that's courage!' says the admiral.
    'Courage, nothin'' snorts the Army general. 'Get over here, private!'
    'YES SIR!!' replies the private.
    'Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.'
    'YES SIR!!' replies the private, and completes the task.
    'Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!'
    They all look to the Marine. 'Private,' he says.
    'YES SIR!!' 'Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.'
    The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, 'F*CK YOU SIR!!'
    The general turns to the others and says, 'Now THAT'S bravery!'

  9. #99
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    Did you hear that Wiggo doesn't drink any more?

    He doesn't drink any less either :D
    What came first - Insanity or Society?

  10. #100
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    Christmas Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

    1 C Water
    1 C Sugar
    4 Large eggs
    3 C dried fruit
    1 tsp. baking soda
    1 tsp. salt
    1 C Brown sugar
    Lemon juice, nuts
    1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

    Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
    Take out a large bowl.
    Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
    Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
    Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
    Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
    Try another cup. Turn off the mixer.
    Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
    Mix on the burner.
    If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
    Sample the whiskey to check for oxisisticity.
    Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
    Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
    Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
    Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
    Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
    Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
    Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
    Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

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