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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #991
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    Computer Virus List



    Adam And Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your apple.

    Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

    Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

    America Online Virus - Every disk that you use in your computer will be
    erased and re-programmed with America Online software.

    AT&T Virus - constantly reminds you how it's giving you much better service
    than the other viruses.

    AT&T Virus 2 - every three minutes it complains that it's sick of circles.

    Birthday Virus - Keeps advancing your clock by another year.

    Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Turns your hard disk drive into a 3.5" floppy drive.

    Jerry Brown Virus - Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

    Pat Buchanan Virus - Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.

    George Bush Virus - Before you buy a new computer, it claims that your old
    computer works on voodoo programming. After you buy your new computer, it
    maintains the course of your old computer. For to do otherwise wouldn't be
    prudent at this juncture.

    George Bush Virus 2 - It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test... no new
    files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard
    drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus.

    Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

    Chicago Cubs Virus - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in
    the reviews, but you still love it!

    Cleveland Indians Virus - Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

    Bill Clinton Virus - This virus mutates from region to region. We're not
    sure what it does.

    Bill Clinton Virus 2 - Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful
    government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an
    airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.

    Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 MB.

    Johnny Cochran Virus - Constantly gloats on how fast it us when compared to
    the Marcia Clark Virus.

    Congress Virus - Overdraws your disk space.

    Congressional Virus - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously,
    but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

    Congressional Virus 2 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically
    with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the
    problem.

    David Duke Virus - Makes your screen go completely white.

    Elvis Virus - Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then
    self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
    across rural America.

    Federal Bureacrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
    units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be
    the most important part of the computer.

    Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT (File Allocation Table).

    Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
    motherboard.

    Gallup Virus - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of
    their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
    error).

    Al Gore Unix Virus - Whenever you inquire about one of your environment
    variables, it shows you the current setting, but then tacks on an alarmist
    message concerning the future of the variable.

    Government Economist Virus - nothing works on your system, but all your
    diagnostic software says everything is just fine.

    Billy Graham Virus - When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the
    screen.

    Gridlock Virus - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between
    your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to
    Senate.' Never gets any work done.

    Tonya Harding Virus - Turns your batch (*.BAT) files into lethal weapons.

    Health Care Virus - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
    sends you a bill for $4,500.

    Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Nobody can find it.

    Michael Jackson Virus - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering
    its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

    Michael Jackson Virus 2 - Preys on child processes.

    Joke Virus - poses as a harmless list of funny computer virus names!

    Ted Kennedy Virus - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.

    Jack Kevorkian Virus - Enables irreparably damaged files to delete
    themselves.

    Jack Kevorkian Virus 2 - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

    LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and
    erases them in "self-defense."

    Left-Wing-Drivel Virus - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and
    sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.

    Imelda Marcos Virus - Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then
    subtracts money from your Quicken Account, and spends it all on expensive
    shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

    MCI Virus - Encourages you to send it to your friends and family.

    MCI Virus 2 - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
    for the AT&T Virus.

    MCI Virus 3 - Every three minutes it asks another true/false question.

    New World Order Virus - Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people mad
    just thinking about it.

    Nike Virus - Just does it!

    Richard Nizon Virus - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe
    it out, but it always makes a comeback.

    Ollie North Virus - Turns your printer into a document shredder.

    Ollie North Virus 2 - Plays a patriotic *.WAV file while it shreds your
    files.

    PBS Virus - Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

    H. Ross Perot Virus - Runs for awhile, leaves the system, then re-appears,
    but with less effect.

    H. Ross Perot Virus 2 - Same as the Jerry Brown Virus, only nicer fonts are
    used, and it appears to have had a lot more money put into its development.

    H. Ross Perot Virus 3 - Activates every component in your system, just
    before the whole thing quits.

    Planned Parenthood Virus - deletes all files less than 9 months old.

    Politically Correct Virus - prefers to call itself an "electronic
    microorganism".

    Ponzi Virus - It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers $1 into the
    accounts of the owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches
    itself to the next 10 items of mail you send.

    Paul Revere Virus - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
    warns you of impending hard disk attack--once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

    Dan Quayle Virus - Forces your computer to play "PGA Tour" from 10 am to 4
    pm, 6 days a week.

    Dan Quayle Virus 2 - Prevents your processes from spawning any child without
    first joining into a binary network. Also said to cause speling erors in
    files stored on your disk.

    Dan Quayle Virus 3 - Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just
    can't figyour out watt.

    Terry Randle Virus - Prints, "Oh no you don't," whenever you choose, "Abort"
    from the "Abort, Retry, Ignore" message.

    Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

    Reagan Reagan Virus 2 - Puts your computer to sleep for eight years. When
    your computer wakes up, you're three trillion more dollars in debt.

    Right-To-Life Virus - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks
    you if you've considered the alternatives.

    Right-To-Life Virus 2 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
    old it is. It you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
    counselor about possible alternatives.

    Right-Wing-Hardliner Virus - Won't allow any changes on your system, but
    keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the
    Whitehouse.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

    Sears Virus - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
    supply, and a set of shocks.

    OJ Simpson Virus - It claims that it did not, would not, and could not
    delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

    Sprint Virus - Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping.

    Star Trek Virus - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
    before.

    Paul Tsongas Virus - Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

    Ted Turner Virus - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

    Texas Virus - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
    Tipper Gore Virus - When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a
    warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

    Viagra Virus - It turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.

    Warren Commission Virus - Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

    Oprah Winfrey Virus - First appears on system as a 120 KB file, later swells
    to 200 KB, then returns to its original size. Periodic printouts appear to
    keep you aprised.

  2. #992
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    Jul 2002
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    Error Messages I Would Like To See



    Error
    Code Meaning
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    2201 You can't run that program on this machine.

    2203 That won't work no matter what you do.

    2204 That won't work without a costly upgrade.

    2205 That used to work but doesn't anymore.

    2206 You can't get there from here.

    2208 Too much memory.

    2209 Path obstructed by bugs.

    2212 Command can only be given in edit mode.

    2218 Insert boot disk sideways.

    2221 User banging on keyboard.

    2222 Machine thrown through window.

  3. #993
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    A man goes up to the minister at the local church.
    "Reverend," he said, we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
    "I've noticed this and have an idea. if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
    In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
    "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
    "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed.
    "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
    "My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
    "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hatpin yet again.
    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
    Mrs. Jones screamed, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
    "Amen!" replied all the women in the church.
    SPAM Special Ops

  4. #994
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    That was great!

  5. #995
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    Default

    Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain About splinters when they were having sex.
    Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
    Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
    A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
    Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
    SPAM Special Ops

  6. #996
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    Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming,
    "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
    SPAM Special Ops

  7. #997
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    Murphys Laws Of Computing
    Murphy's Laws Of Computing


    For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

    To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more
    human; in fact it is downright natural.

    He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

    If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.

    A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from
    a simpler system that worked just fine.

    The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

    A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what
    you want it to do.

    When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

    When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's
    probably obsolete.

    The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual
    where you least expect to find it.

    When the going gets tough, upgrade.

    When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't connect!

  8. #998
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    Jul 2002
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    Neanderthal Tech-Support



    The tech-support problem dates back to long before the industrial
    revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to
    communicate:

    Hullo. This fire help. Me Groog.

    Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

    You have flint and stone?

    Ugh.

    You hit them together?

    Ugh.

    What happen?

    Fire not work.

    (sigh) Make spark?

    No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

    *sigh* You change rock?

    I change nothing.

    You sure?

    Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto
    hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

    *Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

    *WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

  9. #999
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    Remember When
    ...


    A computer was something on TV
    from a science fiction show of note
    a window was something you hated to clean...
    And ram was the cousin of a goat...

    Meg was the name of my girlfriend
    and gig was a job for the nights
    now they all mean different things
    and that really mega bytes

    An application was for employment
    a program was a TV show
    a cursor used profanity
    a keyboard was a piano

    Memory was something that you lost with age
    a cd was a bank account
    and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
    you hoped nobody found out

    Compress was something you did to the garbage
    not something you did to a file
    and if you unzipped anything in public
    you'd be in jail for a while

    Log on was adding wood to the fire
    hard drive was a long trip on the road
    a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
    and a backup happened to your commode

    Cut you did with a pocket knife
    paste you did with glue
    a web was a spider's home
    and a virus was the flu

    I guess i'll stick to my pad and paper
    and the memory in my head
    I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
    but when it happens they wish they were dead

  10. #1000
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    Tech Support Diary



    Monday
    ------

    8:05 am
    User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
    retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang
    up. Man, we let the people vote and drive, too?

    8:12 am
    Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.
    Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them
    rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged
    their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy
    customer.

    8:14 am
    User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive
    0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

    11:00 am
    Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in
    so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this
    weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in
    basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this
    weekend!

    11:34 am
    Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR
    performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell
    them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance
    reviews are sent to */US.

    12:00 pm
    Lunch.

    3:30 pm
    Return from lunch.

    3:55 pm
    Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason.
    Return to napping.

    4:23 pm
    Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask
    them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find
    out.

    4:55 pm
    Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has
    something to do.

    Tuesday
    -------

    8:30 am
    Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time
    with Save/Replication conflicts.

    9:00 am
    Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes
    SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar
    database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have
    (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

    9:35 am
    Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form
    J-19R=9C9\DARRK1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in
    the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database.
    Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

    10:00 am
    Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I
    need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status.
    Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease
    Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will
    be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's
    "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID
    to her apartment.

    10:07 am
    Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer
    to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a
    smoke.

    1:00 pm
    Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
    transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

    1:05 pm
    Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor
    tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in
    computer room, even if I do yell "Fire!"

    1:15 pm
    Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form
    names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang
    up and run global search/replace using gaks.

    1:20 pm
    Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice
    Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't here over
    industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe
    the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

    2:00 pm
    Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her
    purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out
    of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can
    find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does
    that.

    2:49 pm
    Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

    Wednesday
    ---------

    8:30 am
    Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell
    them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset."
    Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

    9:10 am
    Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00 am
    meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about
    terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting.
    Sometimes life hands you material.

    10:00 am
    Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's
    office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career
    moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate
    to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which
    takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to
    furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page.
    Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

    10:30 am
    Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX
    system sometime.

    11:00 am
    Lunch.

    4:55 pm
    Return from lunch.

    5:00 pm
    Shift change; Going home.

    Thursday
    --------

    8:00 am
    New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server
    room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT.
    Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

    8:45 am
    New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set
    minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

    9:30 am
    Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is
    this guy great or what?!

    11:00 am
    Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
    sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is
    down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug
    back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

    11:55 am
    Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
    beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said
    corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to
    senior technical analyst on shift."

    Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of
    work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO
    peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit
    door.

    1:00 pm
    Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy.

    4:30 pm
    Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

    5:00 pm
    Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the
    On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

    Friday
    ------

    8:00 am
    Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it
    worked fine before I left.

    9:00 am
    Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself.
    Unforward phones from Mailroom.

    9:02 am
    Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji
    board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

    9:30 am
    Shoot, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't
    replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour
    difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

    10:17 am
    Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set
    server ahead three hours.

    11:00 am
    E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their
    servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

    11:20 am
    Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

    11:23 am
    Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

    11:25 am
    Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get
    good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with
    orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the
    weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

    11:30 am
    Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting
    this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.

    12:00 am
    Lunch.

    1:00 pm
    Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them
    fast.

    1:03 pm
    Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

    2:30 pm
    Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
    appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

    2:39 pm
    New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document.
    Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC
    rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

    2:50 pm
    Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment
    cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen
    corporate Web page lately.

    3:00 pm
    Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they
    place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document
    addendum which says so.

    4:00 pm
    Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point
    size to "2" in help databases.

    4:30 pm
    User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to
    view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise
    to send them document addendum which says so.

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