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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1001
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    The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse.
    He had a **** rooster and about ten hens.
    One Saturday night the **** rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected **** fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
    At Mass, he asked the congregation,
    "Has anybody got a ****?" All the men stood up.
    "No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ****?" All the women stood up.
    "No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
    "No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant either. "Has anybody seen my ****?" All the choir boys stood up.
    SPAM Special Ops

  2. #1002
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    True Tech-Support Stories



    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
    Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
    is.

    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
    to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
    plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
    the system couldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
    After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
    problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then
    rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
    diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
    with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

    5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
    in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
    on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the
    room to close the door to his room.

    6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
    anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
    discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
    front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

    7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
    tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
    friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software
    store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of
    geeks."

    8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
    worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
    soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
    them individually.

    9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
    because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech
    explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
    shouldn't be taken personally.

    10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new
    Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
    the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
    Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
    happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

  3. #1003
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    Virus Warning



    I don't usually forwards because they're usually hoaxes but
    this one looks pretty dangerous, so a word to the wise...

    IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL ENTITLED Badtimes, DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY! DO NOT
    ATTEMPT TO OPEN OR READ IT. This one is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

    It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
    delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

    It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

    It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and
    uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

    It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice
    cream melts and your milk curdles.

    It will reprogram your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's
    number.

    This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

    It will drink all your beer.

    It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
    company.

    It's radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be
    honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

    It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while
    dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel
    rendezvous to your Visa card.

    It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is fun
    until someone loses an eye.

    It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinnitus.

    It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive
    tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the
    interpretation of key sentences.

    If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will
    leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
    close to a full bathtub.

    It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,
    but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

    It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

    It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell
    like the B.O. of that gross person nobody liked in high school.

    It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

    These are just a few signs of infection.

    FORWARD THIS URGENT INFORMATION TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW IMMEDIATELY!!!

  4. #1004
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    Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
    A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

    Q. What's a mixed feeling?
    A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

    Q. What's the height of conceit?
    A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

    Q. What's the definition of macho?
    A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

    Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
    A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

    Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
    A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

    Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
    A. Because it's worth it.

    Q. What is a Yankee?
    A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
    A. They both like a tight seal.

    Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
    A. Their balls are just for decoration.

    Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
    A. About three inches.

    Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
    A. Well-Hung.

    Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
    A. For traction in the mud.

    Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    A. It's not hard.

    Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

    Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A: 45 pounds.

    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
    A. The swallow.

    Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
    A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

    Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
    A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

    Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A. They don't have balls to scratch.
    SPAM Special Ops

  5. #1005
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    You Know Its Time To Turn Your Computer Off When
    You Know It's Time To Turn Your Computer Off When...


    1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy for a
    year!"

    2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

    3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

    4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

    5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

    6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

    7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

    8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

    9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

    10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

    11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

    12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

    13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

    14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

    15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant
    message to.

    16. You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your
    ignore button handy.

    17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.

    18. "Where did the time go?"

    19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

    20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

    21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

    22. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

    23. You think faster than the computer.

    24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and
    **kisses**.

    25. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.

    26. You're on the phone and say BRB.

    27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

    28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB.
    leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".

    29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-Life.

  6. #1006
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    College Admission Essay
    Admission Essay


    This essay was written by Hugh Gallagher when he was applying for college.
    Hugh now attends New York University.

    3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know
    you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
    Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you
    have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?


    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
    I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
    more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
    Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
    Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

    I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
    pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
    Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
    veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
    defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
    ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject
    of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges
    in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I
    repair electrical appliances free of charge.

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
    Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
    don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
    been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
    toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
    .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
    botany circles. Children trust me.

    I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
    accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in
    one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
    I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
    performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when
    I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
    successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
    bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
    On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
    ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
    made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
    I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
    competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
    Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

    But I have not yet gone to college.

  7. #1007
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    The first letter is one MIT sends out, The second is one they got back.

    April 18, 1994

    Mr. John T. Mongan
    123 Main Street
    Smalltown, California 94123-4567

    Dear John:

    You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now
    you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would
    be.

    But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider
    carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

    The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator
    that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my
    attention!

    Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we
    offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and
    cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the
    country) to writing.

    What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is*
    tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative
    and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

    You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 -
    than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so
    everybody can participate.

    You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for
    you there, too.

    Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this
    unique institution? Why not do it right now?

    Sincerely,

    Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions

    P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight,"
    just check the appropriate box on the form.


    May 5, 1994

    Michael C. Behnke
    MIT Director of Admissions
    Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
    Cambridge MA 02139-4307

    Dear Michael:

    You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now
    you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most
    universities would be.

    But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to
    carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so
    selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited
    universities in the country.

    The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a
    powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility
    for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

    Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn
    that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to
    limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest
    professionals in the country) to classical piano.

    What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self
    indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny
    and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

    You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports -
    47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as
    Orienteering.

    You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises
    for you there, too.

    Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your
    chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

    Sincerely,

    John Mongan

    P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John
    Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

  8. #1008
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    A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of.

    The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

    So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him
    has finished his meal, but the bowl is still full.

    He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

    The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

    The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he
    sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the back into the bowl. The
    other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

  9. #1009
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    A minister, a psychologist, and an engineer are lost in the woods. They
    come upon the cabin of a mountain man and, since it is cold and close to
    dusk, they ask to spend the night. The mountain man agrees and lets them
    in.

    They notice that there is one room, heated by a stove in the middle of the
    room, suspended about 8 feet above floor level by a series of wires
    connecting it to the ceiling. They each survey this stove.

    "Ah," says the Psychologist. "This man obviously feeds his psyche by
    sitting beneath the source of heat. It makes him feel safe."

    "No," disagrees the minister, "He is obviously making a statement about the
    nature of God, the source of all things good. He is looking up, as in
    Heaven, and he is recognizing that the love of God, like the heat from this
    stove, radiates all around his world."

    "You're both wrong," says the engineer, "He Obviously created this heat
    source with advanced rules of physics in mind. See how the heat radiates
    throughout the entire room."

    After some argument, they ask the mountain man why he built the stove thus.
    "Hmmm," he says, "Seems as I recall, I had lots of wire and a very short
    stove pipe."

  10. #1010
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    A Physicist, A Chemist, And A Mathematician Stranded On A Deserted Island



    A physicist, a chemist, and a mathematician are stuck on a deserted island
    with several cans of food, but no can opener. They each try to think of a
    way to open the cans.

    First, the physicist makes his suggestion. They would construct a small
    catapult out of the obligatory palm tree in order to throw the cans against
    some rocks. The cans would break open and they could eat the contents.

    The chemist dislikes this suggestion and proffers his own: They should make
    a fire and put the cans over the fire. The contents of the cans would
    expand and the cans would break open.

    Finally, they both look to the mathematician to see if he can think of a
    better suggestion. He thinks for a moment, then starts, "Let us assume that
    we have a can opener..."

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