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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #1011
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was
    very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and

    Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the
    roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.

    He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.

  2. #1012
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Quebec, Canada


    Where do you get all these jokes ???
    SPAM Special Ops

  3. #1013
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    A Smart Engineer

    There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical
    things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
    retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a
    seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
    multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else
    to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on
    the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

    The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
    huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a
    particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your
    problem is!"

    The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

    The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services.
    They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded

    One chalk mark ............. $1

    Knowing where to put it..... $49,999

  4. #1014
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Aeronautical Engineer's List

    1. For an aero, a good night's sleep is like a job: it's something we all
    dream of getting, but few of us ever will.
    2. When in doubt, just wing it.
    3. Being a rocket scientist is a great way to launch a career.
    4. Propulsion provides the main thrust of our efforts.
    5. The only restriction on the length of the landing gear is that it should
    hit the ground first.
    6. Orbital mechanics is really just a lot of circular reasoning and
    roundabout proofs.
    7. Aeros are just plane crazy.
    8. The departments of the AAE school:
    --Advanced paper airplane design (structures)
    --Archery (Arrow dynamics)
    --Snowball trajectory analysis (dynamics & controls)
    --Rubber band launching (propulsion)
    9. The following courses will be added starting Jan 1992 to improve our
    chances of finding a job:
    --The aerodynamics of hamburger flipping
    --Heat transfer in french fries
    --Begging made easy
    10. Boeing: the sound an aircraft part makes when it falls off a plane and
    hits the ground
    11. Frictional effects are a real drag.
    12. "I have not yet completed grading your test on stress, strain, and
    tension. So let's talk about failure" -- structures prof
    13. For the most part, beam theory is shear terror, but it does have its
    great moments.
    14. The material toughness factor is KC.
    15. We all love Gruesome Hall.
    16. We love gn (gus's network) even more.
    17. The space shuttle theory: if you put enough thrust behind it, anything
    will fly.
    18. The boosters for the space shuttle produce 3 million pounds of thrust
    each and can barely lift their own paperwork into orbit.
    19. Fatigue is a very tiring class.
    20. We're really not all space cadets.
    21. We love sharing a building with the I.E.s (Imaginary Engineers).
    22. Sign posted:
    "In case of emergency (I.E., fire, tornado, etc) ..."
    23. Enjoy your hours of sleep each week. Both of them.
    24. Many aeros tend to be flighty people.
    25. We don't have our heads in the clouds -- most of us haven't been that
    down to earth in a long time.
    26. U.S. Navy philosophy on landing on an aircraft carrier:
    Aim for the deck and hope for the best.
    27. Addendum to pilots' preflight checklist on commercial airliners:
    Please verify that the following items are securely attached before
    A) Wings B) Engines C) Fuselage
    28. The theory of modern U.S. fighter jets:
    Nothing can kill the pilot except for the plane.
    29. We can always drop out of aero and become paratroopers.
    30. "Stability is only good if you aren't heading straight into the ground."
    -- flight controls prof
    31. Spacecraft controls majors often have attitude problems.
    32. The orbital radius of the satellite should exceed the radius of the
    33. A belly flop is the most efficient way to stop an airplane on a short
    34. Too bad Physics 152 has nothing to do with reality. It would be great to
    make our planes out of massless rods covered by frictionless surfaces.
    35. Mechanical engineer: someone who wanted to be an aero but also wanted
    to be employed.
    36. It is an aeronautical fact that the bumblebee can't fly -- its wings
    simply cannot generate sufficient lift. Apparently God just forgot to
    tell that to the bumblebee.
    37. How to fly:
    1) Jump into the air and miss the ground.
    2) Hurl yourself at the ground and miss (actually, this is a correct
    summary of the theory behind orbital flight).
    38. We all loved Physics 342 -- relatively speaking.
    39. No one has ever been killed because a plane lost power -- all deaths in
    planes have resulted from unsuccessful landings.
    40. Logic is the right way to get the wrong answer and feel good about it.
    41. "We shall neglect this term in the equation simply because we have no
    idea how to deal with it." -- aerodynamics prof
    42. NASA prelaunch bulletin on Endeavour's recovery of INTELSAT: "This
    encounter will give us an opportunity to study the dynamics of
    handling heavy objects in weightlessness."
    43. You never get grades for landings -- all landings are strictly
    pass/fail. Any landing you can walk away from is a 'pass'.
    44. Enginere: Yesterday I couldn't spell one; now me are one.
    45. Aero engineers historically do everything backwards. We even count
    46. Aero engineer job search techniques:
    Stand out on a street corner holding a sign reading, "Will build
    spacecraft for food."
    47. We enjoy our 340 homework to no end -- literally.
    48. Save a tree -- drop AAE 340.
    49. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
    50. Design must take into account three major factors:
    1) The expected operating stresses and material fatigue
    2) 'Murphy was an optimist' principle: unexpected events
    3) Management stupidity
    51. Regardless of what the numbers say, it's still amazing that planes fly.

  5. #1015
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he
    usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.
    One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner,
    Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein
    in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

    "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this
    speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

    Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

    When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and
    jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful
    rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

    Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question
    about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in
    the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

    Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely
    stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will
    let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

  6. #1016
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    An Archeological Find

    Ok, the story behind this... There's this wacked out guy who digs things out
    of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,
    labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
    archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that
    this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!

    Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institution after he sent
    them his latest find.

    Paleoanthropology Division
    Smithsonian Institute
    207 Pennsylvania Avenue
    Washington, DC 20078

    Dear Sir:

    Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer
    seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this
    specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that
    we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the
    presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather,
    it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the
    variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
    "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought
    to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of
    us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
    contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
    number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you
    off to it's modern origin:

    1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
    fossilized bone.

    2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
    centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified

    3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the
    common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
    Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
    This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
    you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
    evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into
    too much detail, let us say that:

    A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
    chewed on.
    B. Clams don't have teeth.

    It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to
    have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our
    lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's
    notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of
    our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon
    dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also
    deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
    Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the
    scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for
    one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but
    was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was
    hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

    However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
    specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it
    is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you
    seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director
    has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
    specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
    staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the
    site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip
    to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several
    of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly
    interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the
    "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that
    makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered
    take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
    crescent wrench.

    Yours in Science,

    Harvey Rowe
    Curator, Antiquities

  7. #1017
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    An Engineer In Hell

    An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his
    dossier and says, "Ah you're an engineer-- you're in the wrong place."

    So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in.

    Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
    Hell, so he starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
    they've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the
    engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan on the phone and says with a sneer, "So, how it's
    going down there in Hell?"

    Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
    flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
    going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-- he should
    never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
    keeping him."

    God demands, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers' "Yeah, right, and just where are you
    going to get a lawyer?"

  8. #1018
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Quebec, Canada


    hahahahahaha:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
    SPAM Special Ops

  9. #1019
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Astronomy Loses "Major Science" Status, Says World Science Federation

    [**** For immediate release]

    GENEVA (AP) January 25, 1999 -- In a surprising announcement, the World
    Science Federation said today that the field of astronomy will no longer be
    recognized as a major science along with the likes of physics and chemistry.
    Instead it is being reclassified as a "trans-earth auxiliary scientific
    pursuit" according to a new taxonomy laid down by the WSF, the international
    scientific community's governing body.

    "This is a painful issue that we've been grappling with for some time," said
    Dr. Jean-Sven Johansson, president of the WSF. "The study of the heavens
    has been considered a science since prehistoric times. But if it were just
    discovered today, with all we've learned in the intervening millennia,
    there's no way we would categorize astronomy as a major science. It is too
    soft, too based on speculative theories, and too far removed from the
    everyday world."

    "[The reclassification] is a difficult but ultimately correct decision,"
    read a supporting statement from the United States Council of Scientists.
    "While we are sympathetic for practitioners of astronomy, we believe that
    the sanctity of science demands a more rigorous test for inclusion than
    merely a few centuries of tradition."

    The news is a bitter pill for astronomers to swallow. For years they have
    endured derision from their colleagues in the so-called 'hard' sciences of
    physics, chemistry, and mathematics. Only recently had astronomers believed
    they'd earned a measure of overdue respect from the broader community of
    scholars. Stunning discoveries from the Hubble Space Telescope, plus new
    theories on the origins of the universe, had put astronomy into the
    forefront of public consciousness.

    The WSF's announcement changes all that. While astronomy will still be
    studied in schools and research institutions, its practitioners may no
    longer refer to themselves "scientists". No future Ph.D. degrees may be
    conveyed by accredited universities of science. However, a grandfather
    clause allows current doctoral students to complete their studies and earn
    degrees within 18 months.

    Perhaps the most significant changes are in matters of protocol when
    scientists meet. Astronomers will still be permitted to attend academic
    gatherings, but they must defer to official scientists in lectures,
    workshops, and buffet lines. They must also refrain from displaying items
    that identify themselves as scientists, such as t-shirts or vanity license

    Reaction to the WSF's announcement among astronomers was a mixture of
    disappointment and outrage.

    "I am very saddened by this decision," said Dr. Velikov Vonk, noted
    planetologist and author of the seminal paper 'On Renaming The Big Bang To
    Something More Dignified.' "Astronomers have added much to the rich history
    of science and to our understanding of the universe around us. I pray the
    WSF will reconsider."

    "It is disheartening, but not altogether unexpected," added Arpad
    Arkabaranan, a researcher at the University of New Jersey. "Rumors have
    been circulating throughout the scientific community for several months.
    Personally, I find it the pedantic act of a self-important panel. It
    accomplishes little more than fostering confusion among schoolchildren and
    requiring countless textbooks and encyclopedias to be rewritten, all for the
    sake of purity of nomenclature. Does the WSF not have any more important
    issues to worry about?"

    Other astronomers accepted the news with less equanimity.

    "Who died and left them boss?" fumed William McGilly, a propulsion engineer
    with NASA's Goddard Research Center. "I wonder what science is next on
    their hit list. If I were an anthropologist or a geologist or a
    cosmetologist, I'd be putting together my resume quickly."

    Dr. Johansson points out that astronomy has not been kicked out of the
    scientific club entirely. Rather, it will become "auxiliary scientific
    pursuit #1", the first in a new category of demi-sciences under the WSF's
    revised hierarchy. "We will rename astronomy as 'trans-earth studies' to
    reflect its new status," says Johansson. "We believe that after the
    disappointment fades, astronomers will be proud and excited to act as the
    trailblazers in this exciting new arena."

    Still, the WSF's announcement could not have come at a worse time to a field
    that was felt it was close to turning the corner. Notable breakthroughs in
    coming years would have included the Mars Lander, the International Space
    Station, and the much-anticipated results of a joint Canadian and Japanese
    task force to develop a pronunciation of Uranus that would not make high
    school students giggle. ("That was going to be huge for us," says Vonk

    The new classification takes effect on April 1st, giving astronomers
    precious little time to solve what might be their last problem as
    scientists. For years, English-speaking children have been taught the
    phrase 'My very earnest mother just served us nine pickles' to remember the
    names of the nine planets in order. ('My' stands for Mercury, 'very' for
    Venus, etc.) If astronomers downgrade Pluto to a minor solar object as
    planned, possibly as their final act before losing their own official
    status, a new mnemonic will be necessary. The solution has eluded
    astronomers and linguists from around the globe.

    Ponders Arkabaranan: "My very earnest mother just served us....nutmeg?
    Nachos? New England Clam Chowder? Oh, poop! Give us time, we'll think of

    [nps. Thanks to Mr. R.A. Lafferty for his assistance in this story.]

  10. #1020
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Death Of Dinosaurs

    Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although
    measurable distance from the earth every year.

    If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was
    orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

    This would explain the death of the dinosaurs... the tallest ones, anyway.

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