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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #1021
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Engineer Investigating A Pontiac That Won't Start

    A letter to Pontiac:

    "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not
    answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have
    a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night.
    But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the
    whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive
    down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a
    new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem.
    You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the
    store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car
    starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no
    matter how silly it sounds: What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not
    start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any
    other kind?"

    The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but
    sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be
    greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood.
    He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped
    into the car and drove to the ice cream store.

    It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back
    to the car, it wouldn't start.

    The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got
    chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car
    started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

    Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's
    car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue
    his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this
    end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day,
    type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

    In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than
    any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

    Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front
    of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back
    of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to
    find the flavor and get checked out.

    Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it
    took less time. Once time became the problem, not the vanilla ice cream,
    the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening
    every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the
    engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the
    engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

    Moral of the story: Even insane looking problems are sometimes real.

    A better moral: Chocolate ice cream cures vapor lock in Pontiacs!

  2. #1022
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the
    Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just
    as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship,
    capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging
    on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

    Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there
    was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm
    tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small
    rowboat appeared.

    "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise
    ship, too?"

    "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

    "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced
    gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus

    "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

    "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side
    of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in
    my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got
    the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all
    this time? I don't see any shelter."

    "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

    "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.

    The engineer nodded dumbly.

    She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the
    boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back
    splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm
    tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

    "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please;
    would you like to have a drink?"

    "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

    "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out
    back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

    Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down
    on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked,
    "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

    "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up
    on this island."

    "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom

    The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and
    shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.

    Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she
    managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He
    couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

    "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into
    something more comfortable."

    As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,
    the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown
    fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

    "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no
    companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't
    there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and
    woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

    "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is
    something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it
    was just...well, it was impossible."

    "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

    The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...
    you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL HERE!!??!!"

  3. #1023
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Warning Signs of Insanity

    1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then
    you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

    2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
    you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

    3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

    4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
    you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

    5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
    yourself on it.

    6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil
    dandruff spirits.

    7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting
    fire to his lawn decorations.

    8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

    9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

    10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

    11. You laugh out loud during funerals.

    12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

    13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
    through that scuba mask.

    14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
    stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day
    seek revenge.

    15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

    16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
    little illusion.

    17. You collect dead windowsill flies.

    18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

    19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.

    20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

    21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

    22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
    weren't rescued.

    23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

    24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

    25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

    26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
    middle of your front lawn.

    27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
    it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

    28. Melba toast excites you.

    29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to
    tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

    30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

    31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
    to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

    32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
    a few minutes.

    33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

    34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

    35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
    or to be loved by an infectious disease.

    36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
    pretend that you're a stalk.

    37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

    38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

    39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
    violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

    40. You like reading lists like this. :)

  4. #1024
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Things you NEVER want to hear

    You don't want to be sitting in your doctor's office and hear: "Well, Jim there is no reason that you shouldn't live another twenty or thirty years, however, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes."

    "Honey, its the police, they have a search warrant, and the three hundred kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room."

    "Honey, little Bobby wants to spend the night at the Neverland Ranch.

    "Sorry man, we're all out of beer."

    "I just want to be friends"

  5. #1025
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Signs That You Are Too Drunk
    1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    3.) Job interfering with your drinking.

    4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    5.) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

    8.) 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

    9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

    10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.

    11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    12.) You fall off the floor...

    13.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    14.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

    15.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

    16.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

    17.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    18.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

    19.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,Alcohol, and Women

    20.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

    21.) Roseanne looks good.

    22.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

    23.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.

    24.) Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    25.) "I'm as jober as a sudge."

    26.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

    27.) You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

  6. #1026
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    You know you are a loser if:

    Tell stupid jokes and host "America's Funniest Home Videos".

    Wear your orthidontic head gear to school

    Have a Johnathan Taylor Thomas calander

    Chat on your Starship Enterprise phone

    Have more "cyberfriends" than normal friends

    Are no longer a "cyber-virgin"

    Wear a "Kurt Cobain 1967-1994" tee Shirt

    Wear a shirt with the girls bathroom symbol plastered on the front, come on, I know you've seen them!

    Argue with your friends which Green Day album is better: Dookie or Insomniac, which features the hit "Geek Stink Breath"

    Know every word to "Ice Ice Baby" by the great Vanilla Ice

    Waste your life reading fantasy novels with gnomes, dragons, hobbits, and the like.

    Stay home on Friday night to watch the McNeil-Lehrer report, because your liberal teacher mentions that it is an interesting program

    Discuss, with your "cyberfriends" the intricate workings of the Starship Enterpise

    Have your first beer on your 21st Birthday

    Remind a teacher that she forgot to give homework.

    Make a website called the Laughing Pit.

    Reply to the question "Do you like Led Zeppelin?" by saying "He's allright."

    Notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "900"

    The "UFO Hotline" asks you to limit yourself to one call per day.

    Actually call your doctor to find out more about Rogaine with Minoxodil.

    Have a pocket protector protector and/or wear a sweatsuit to school

    Believe in your heart that Silverchair and Bush AREN'T trying to imitate the great Pearl Jam.

    Watch "90210" to find out if Kelly does Coke

    You're a guy and you watch 90210 so you can talk about the show with girls

    Have a bumper sticker that says, "My daughter is an honor student at Scarsdale elementary", or something stupid like that.

    Watch Late-night Cinemax movies for the plot

    Enjoy dancing the "Macarena"

    Write "Bush rulez!" on your backpack

    Your name is Mike Reddy

    While engaged in hard-core drinking, you constantly leave 3 Oz. of beer in each bottle, and claim that it is "backwash"

    You're white, and you wear one of those Bear Bubble Jackets, like Doug's Sister's boyfriend.

    Sit at home on Saturday Night playing the Family Feud video game by yourself

    Talk like the people from the movie "Clueless".

    Are reading this.

  7. #1027
    Join Date
    Jul 2002



    There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.

    You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.

    Your family tree does not fork.

    Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

    You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital.

    Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports

    You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.

    The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

    Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

    You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken.

    Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

    You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.

    You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was
    snubbed for best motion picture.

    The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.

    You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland.

    Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels

    You've ever used lard in bed.

    You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

    Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.

    Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
    State trooper to "kiss my ass".

    The primary color of your car is "Bondo".

    You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in
    the car.

    Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

    You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the
    message "For a good time, call _______."

    Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

    Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road".

    You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
    tongue gestures.

    You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

    You've ever been too drunk to go fishing.

    The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What are you
    looking at, ****head?"

    You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

    You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

    You have a rag for a gas cap.

    Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.

    Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

    You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.

    After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window.

    You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.

    You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.

    Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.

    You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.

    Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.

    You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.

    You think Campho-phenique is a miracle drug.

    You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.

    You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening on
    the lube rack.

    You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside
    the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.

    You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.

    You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the
    door making sparks.

    You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

    Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.

    Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

    You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

    You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

    Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.

    You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.

    You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks
    than cars.

    Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."

    You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.

    Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.

    You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free

    You call your boss "Dude."

    You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

    You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the
    "House of Tattoos."

    You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.

    You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.

    You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

    You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

    You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

    You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

    You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.

    You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."

    Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

    You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly
    Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."

    Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

    Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."

    You know your a Redneck if your idea of dual air bags is your wife and
    mother-in-law in the front seat of your pick-up!

  8. #1028
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
    discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
    'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

    In a Tokyo Hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
    person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
    regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Leipzig elevator:
    Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

    In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
    should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
    wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
    national order.

    In a Paris hotel elevator:
    Please leave your values at the front desk.

    In a hotel in Athens:
    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
    hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

    In a Yugoslavian hotel:
    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the

    In a Japanese hotel:
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
    Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
    boots of ascension.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

    On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
    dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
    beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

    In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
    Drop your trousers here for best results.

    Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking.

    In a Rhodes tailor shop:
    Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
    customers in strict rotation.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
    people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
    together in one tent unless they are married with each other
    for that purpose.

    In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
    opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
    be used for this purpose.

    In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
    Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

    In a Rome laundry:
    Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
    having a good time.

    In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
    Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no

    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
    Would you like to ride on your own ass?

    In a Swiss mountain inn:
    Special today -- no ice cream.

    In a Bangkok temple:
    It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
    as a man.

    In a Tokyo bar:
    Special ****tails for the ladies with nuts.

    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions.

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to

    In a Norwegian ****tail lounge:
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

    In a Budapest zoo:
    Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
    food, give it to the guard on duty.

    In the office of a Roman doctor:
    Specialist in women and other diseases.

    In an Acapulco hotel:
    The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

    In a Tokyo shop:
    Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
    best in the long run.

    From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
    room, please control yourself.

    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
    When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
    Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
    your passage then tootle him with vigor.

    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    - English well talking.
    - Here speeching American.

  9. #1029
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication

    Phrase Translation
    ================================================== ===============
    It has long been known I haven't bothered to look up the

    It is believed I think

    It is generally believed A couple of other guys think so too

    It is not unreasonable to If you believe this, you'll believe
    assume anything

    Of great theoretical I find it kind of interesting

    Of great practical importance I can get some mileage out of it

    Typical results are shown The best results are shown

    3 samples were chosen for The others didn't make sense, so
    further study we ignored them

    The 4 hour sample was not I dropped it on the floor

    The 4 hour determination may I dropped it on the floor, but
    not be significant scooped most of it up

    The significance of these Look at the pretty artifact
    results is unclear

    It has not been possible to The experiment was negative, but
    provide definitive answers at least I can publish the data

    Correct within an order of Wrong

    It might be argued that I have such a good answer for this
    objection that I shall now raise it

    Much additional work will be This paper is not very good, but
    required neither are all the others in this
    miserable field

    These investigations proved My grant is going to be renewed
    highly rewarding

    I thank X for assistance X did the experiment and Y explained
    with the experiments and it to me
    Y for useful discussions
    on the interperetation of
    the data

  10. #1030
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
    drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
    words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
    incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

    Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

    I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head
    through it.

    I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

    A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

    The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
    hit him.

    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
    headed over the embankment.

    In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

    I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
    reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did
    not see the other car.

    I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an

    I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
    joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

    As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
    where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
    to avoid the accident.

    To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

    My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

    An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

    I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found
    that I had a fractured skull.

    I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
    road when I struck him.

    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

    I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of
    my car.

    The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
    big mouth.

    I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
    ditch by some stray cows.

    The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
    way when it struck my front end.

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