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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1031
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    ISU RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

    AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
    materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
    Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
    of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
    neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
    312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
    involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

    Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
    be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
    contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
    caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
    time is less than one second.

    Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
    which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a
    reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice
    neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually
    increases after each reorganization.

    Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
    naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
    such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is
    always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

    Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
    of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
    is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
    Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
    results to date are not promising.

  2. #1032
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    Signs in the USA (mostly)

    In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
    "Now serving live lobsters"

    On the menu of a restaurant
    "Blackened bluefish"

    In a Maine restaurant
    "Open seven days a week and weekends."

    In a New Jersey restaurant
    "Open seven days a week and weekends."

    On the walls of a Baltimore estate
    "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
    -- Sisters of Mercy"

    On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
    "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

    In a New York drugstore
    "We dispense with accuracy."

    In a New York medical building
    "Mental Health Prevention Center"

    On a New York convalescent home
    "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"

    In a funeral parlor
    "Ask about our layaway plan."

    In a clothing store
    "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

    Outside a country shop
    "We buy junk and sell antiques."

    In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
    "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

    In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
    "Parking for birds only."

    In the vestry of a New England church
    "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
    extinguished"

    In a laundry room
    "Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

    A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
    "Do not activate with wet hands."

    In a New Hampshire jewelry store
    "Ears pierced while you wait."

    In a New York restaurant
    "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

    A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
    "Crap - .79/lb."

    In a Florida maternity ward
    "No children allowed."

    In the offices of a loan company
    "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

    At a number of US military bases
    "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

    On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
    "Now available in multi-packs"

    In the window of an Oregon general store
    "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

    In a Pennsylvania cemetary
    "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
    graves."

    On the grounds of a private school
    "No trespassing without permission."

    In a library
    "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
    taking it away."

    On a Tennessee highway
    "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

    In front of a New Hampshire car wash
    "If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."

    On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
    "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

    A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from
    the Transbay bus terminal
    "Terminal Drugs"

    From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
    "If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell
    a crew member."

    On a delicatessen wall
    "Our best is none too good"

    On a roller caoster
    "Watch your head"

    On a Maine shop
    "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
    workmanship."

    In downtown Boston
    "Callahan Tunnel / No end."

    A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
    "Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."

  3. #1033
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    Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
    Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
    the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
    been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
    deaths.So what's your story?"

    So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
    been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
    red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
    something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
    this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
    balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
    25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
    on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
    So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
    hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
    so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
    bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
    the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
    landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
    to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

    "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
    in.

    The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
    full, and again asks for his story.

    "It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
    my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
    balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
    I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
    balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
    long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
    for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
    held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
    hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
    again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
    right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
    refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
    and now I'm here."

    Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
    horrible death.

    The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
    process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
    for his story.

    "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
    refrigerator..."

  4. #1034
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    Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
    many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the
    Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From
    Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips:


    Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
    A. Borofkin.
    Q. What's his first name?
    A. I can't remember.
    Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
    name?
    A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
    to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
    --------
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
    A. No.
    --------
    Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A. By death.
    Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
    --------
    Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
    --------
    Q. What is your name?
    A. Ernestine McDowell.
    Q. And what is your marital status?
    A. Fair.
    --------
    Q. Are you married?
    A. No, I'm divorced.
    Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
    --------
    Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
    A. My ex-widow said it.
    --------
    Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
    A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
    and said he was really good.
    --------
    Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A. I will be three months November 8th.
    Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A. Yes.
    Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
    --------
    Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
    A. I should be.
    Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
    A. Four times.
    --------
    Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
    A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
    --------
    Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. Before or after he died?
    --------
    Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
    A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
    --------
    Q. What happened then?
    A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q. Did he kill you?
    A. No.
    --------
    Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
    --------
    THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
    information
    and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
    --------
    Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A. No.
    Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A. Picking them up in the air.
    Q. Where was the dog at this time?
    A. Attached to the ears.
    --------
    Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
    for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
    would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
    MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
    --------
    Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
    you go to?
    A. Oral.
    Q. How old are you?
    A. Oral.
    --------
    Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
    A. She is my daughter.
    Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
    --------
    Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
    victim?
    --------
    Q. ...and what did he do then?
    A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
    --------
    Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
    A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
    --------
    Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
    with respect to your scalp?
    A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    Q. It was covered?
    A. Yes, bandaged.
    Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
    A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
    of my head.
    --------
    Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A. I could see his head.
    Q. And where was his head?
    A. Just above his shoulders.
    --------
    Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
    defendant?
    A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofa***** - and
    she did!
    --------
    Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
    A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
    --------
    Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
    instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A. The victim lived.
    --------
    Q. Are you sexually active?
    A. No, I just lie there.
    --------
    Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
    --------
    Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
    witness,
    isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
    A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
    --------
    Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    A. It indicates intercourse.
    Q. Male sperm?
    A. That is the only kind I know.
    --------
    Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
    --------
    Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

  5. #1035
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    Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I
    address the court?"

    Judge: "Of course."

    Defendant: "If I called you a son of a *****, what would you do?"

    Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five
    days in jail."

    Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a *****?"

    Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
    thinking."

    Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a *****."

  6. #1036
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    Single Woman's Prayer


    Now I lay me down to sleep.
    Please don't send me no more creeps.
    Please just send me one good man.
    One without a wedding band.

    One good man who's sweet as pie.
    Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
    Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
    And is sexy like my man Denzel.
    Is super-rich like Michael J.
    On second thought, that's okay.

    Man, if I should die before I wake,
    that would truly take the cake;
    No matrimony or honeymoon.
    No fancy reception planned for June.
    No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
    Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
    If I die before I meet Mr. Right
    I won't go out without a fight.
    But then again with my luck,
    He'd probably be just some schmuck.

    The single life is not that bad
    I know it's just a passing fad.
    I won't be blue. I will not frown.
    Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
    No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
    So never mind this stupid prayer.

    The single life will do just fine.
    So what's up, girlfriend?
    IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

  7. #1037
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    And there's this:

  8. #1038
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    And this:

  9. #1039
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    Viagra Maker Increasing Product Line

    With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a
    whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in
    today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the
    following drugs are under testing now:

    DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
    trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask
    directions when they got lost, compared to a control
    group of 0.2 percent.


    PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
    to actually finish a household repair project before
    starting a new one.

    CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming
    urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially
    cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

    COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
    administered this drug noticed that their wives
    had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see
    if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

    BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
    to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after
    taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen:
    whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than
    your favorite store's return limit.

    NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
    undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

    NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want
    to turn off televised sports and actually converse
    with other family members.

    FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
    gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage
    can be doubled for long car rides.

    FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
    with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for
    men on Viagra.

    PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
    the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the
    personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose
    turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

    LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
    asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in
    Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.


    The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to
    make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as
    available in men's rooms everywhere.

    In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing
    the following drugs intended primarily for women:


    NagAgra - Causes Women not to nag their spouse

    HonydewAgra - Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance
    instead of just writing things down

    InformAgra - Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they
    have made that involve said spouse

    Butt-outAgra - Causes women not to pry into the personal lives
    of others and mind their own business.

    PersonalAgra - Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with
    aquaintances of their spouse

    SportAgra - Makes women understand the male need for consuming
    large quantities of fermented beverages while watching
    contact sports.

    Cindi CrawfordAgra - Need I say more??

  10. #1040
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    Men's Rules For Women
    49. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
    48. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
    47. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
    46. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
    45. Butthead is the smart one.
    44. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
    43. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
    42. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
    41. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
    40. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
    39. Socks never constitute a gift.
    38. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
    37. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
    36. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
    35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
    34. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
    33. Curley is the bald one.
    32. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
    31. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
    30. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
    29. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
    28. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
    27. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
    26. No, you can't have the remote control.
    25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
    24. Check your oil.
    23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
    22. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
    21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
    19. Share the closet.
    18. Share the bathroom.
    17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
    16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
    15. Your brother is an idiot.
    14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
    13. You have too many shoes.
    12. You have enough clothes.
    11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
    10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
    9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
    8. Dogs are better than cats.
    7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat.
    6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
    5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
    4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
    3. Don't make us guess.
    2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
    1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

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