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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #1051
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    It makes one giggle for sure.

  2. #1052
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Software Features You Wish Real Life Had!

    Five minutes ago you were travelling to work at 70 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are travelling to the hospital at double the speed in an ambulance....
    You wish there was an undo in life!
    You just get a salary raise...
    You wish there was redo in life!
    You are already late, and your key is missing...
    You wish there was a find tool in life!
    You are ticketed for speeding...
    You wish there was delete file in life!
    The room is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end...
    You wish there was zoom & 'view full screen' in life!
    After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch...
    You wish there was an evaluation period or at least a sample down load or a demo version!
    One day you realize that your are turning bald...
    You wish there was cut and paste in life!

  3. #1053
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    The AOL Car

    The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
    The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
    The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
    AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
    Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
    Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
    AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
    It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
    AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
    Once in a while, AOL cars stop and say, "you've got Nails".
    Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

  4. #1054
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Outback Computer Terms

    Log on - Make the stove hotter
    Log off - Don't add any more wood
    Monitor - Keep an-eye on that stove
    Download - Getting the firewood off the stove
    Screen - What to shut during the mosquito season
    Byte - What the mosquitos do
    Bit - What the mosquitos did
    Mega Byte - What the Townsville mosquitos do
    Chip - A bar snack
    Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
    Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
    Software - The plastic knives and forks they give you at the Red Rooster
    Hardware - The real stainless steel cutlery
    Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
    Mainframe - What holds the shed up
    Web - What a spider makes
    Web site - The shed or under the verandah
    Upgrade - Steep hill
    Server - The person at the hotel who brings the counter lunch
    Mail Server - The bloke at the hotel who brings the counter lunch
    Sound Card - The one that wins the hand of 500
    User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing stuff
    Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
    Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
    Netscape - When a fish manoeuvres out of reach
    Online - When you get the laundry hung out on the washing line
    Off line - When the clothes pegs let go and the washing falls on the ground

  5. #1055
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Viruses you NEVER want your computer to get:

    OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 500MB hard drive DESKTOP suddenly shrinks to Notebook computer size, then slowly begins expanding back to a desktop unit.
    MCI VIRUS: Every four minutes it autodials all your friends and relatives and pesters them to switch, and gives them YOUR name, as reference.

    PRO CHOICE VIRUS: Overwrites all files, in every State but remains personally opposed to it's own behaviour. Destroys all files from 1 day to 9 months even if the only reason is sector selection. It won't encourage you to consult your mother (board), and demands more and more funding.

    ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Draws attention to itself by showing high resolution graphics on the monitor, then quits, restarts and self destructs.

    ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: The so-called terminator virus will come and go, leaving the message that "it will be back". Only defense against this virus is through it's female adapter, but then you run the risk of the dreaded Kennedy Viruses.

    CLINTON VIRUS: Makes your system do the opposite of what it prompts. Can only be removed when you hold it under white-water. Tries to remove itself by turning your printer into a shredder. If it prompts you for the Clinton-defense-virus, DON'T BELIEVE IT.

    Use your virus scanner & don't let any of these Viruses happen to your PC!

  6. #1056
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    President Clinton, as part of his goal to increase technical awareness and interest in the sciences, asked the various major computer companies to cooperate in a large Multimedia publishing project. The general theme was "Elephants".

    The piece from Apple was titled: "User Friendly Elephants and Their Friend, the Mouse".
    IBM's: "How to Sell an Elephant to Someone Who Wants a Racehorse".

    Novell's: "Connecting Elephants".

    Borland's: "All Elephants Should Cost $99".

    NeXT's: "Painting an Elephant Black".

    Microsoft's: "Why You Should Buy Microsoft Windows".

    Netscape's: "Old Elephant never dies."

    Intel's: "Elephant Inside"

  7. #1057
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    A lady walks in a computer store one day with a box of 5 1/2 inch disks, says "I bought these disks and they seem to be defective."

    "So", says the salesman, "what type of computer do you have?"

    "An Apple," says she.

    So fine, he says, and takes her over to a IIe...

    "Oh, not this one," she said, "I own one of those!" And points to a Mac.

    (at this point the salesman, as you do, saw where this was going, and refused to believe it.)

    "Well," says the salesman "these are 5 1/2 inch disks, they won't won't fit in one of those..."

    "Oh, I made them fit." Says the woman.

    Needless to say, she had taken a pair of scissors..

  8. #1058
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    This is a true story as it happened to my mother a few (maybe 20) years ago while she worked for a Sears in western Pa.

    An elderly man phoned into the service department where my mother worked to complain that the new TV that he just bought was broken. When my mother asked for a description of the problem, the man said, "It quits."

    A repairman was sent to the home where he found the TV was working just fine. He ran the usual diagnostics on it, and it tested fine, so the serviceman left, telling the man to call back in if it happens again.

    The very next day the man called in saying that the TV just quits, and it isn't fixed soon he will return it. This time the Service Manager (ta-dah)was sent out to see if he could locate the problem.

    After testing the TV and finding it in perfect working order, the service manager began asking the man a few questions. "Does it blow any fuses? Do you own a Ham radio? Does this happen at any particular time?"

    To that last question the man replied, "Yes. Around two o'clock each morning - it plays the national anthem and quits!"

  9. #1059
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Client/Server System is Like Teenage Sex Because ....

    It's on everyones mind all the time.
    Everybody talks about it all the time.
    Everybody thinks everybody else is doing it.
    Almost no one is really doing it.
    The few who are doing it are:
    doing it poorly.
    Sure it will be better next time.
    Not practicing it safely.
    Everyone's bragging about their successes, though few have actually had any.

  10. #1060
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Why is the company known as "Intel"?
    'Cause they're only half as INTELigent as they thought they were and Pentium implies that
    Useless for

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