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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1061
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    The famous joke that made it to CNN:

    MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

    By Hank Vorjes

    VATICAN CITY (AP) In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

    With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

    "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

    Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new online service, "we will make the sacraments available online for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution even reduce your time in Purgatory all without leaving your home."

    A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

    An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60 foot screen as comedian Don Novello in character as Father Guido Sarducci hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

    Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

    The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

    "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

    But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

    Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

    Gates described MICROSOFT's long term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

    The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

  2. #1062
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    A friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company. That tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the company this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties systems. While they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming call, which he took after. When the caller hung up, the tech rep came back on the phone, laughing like a crazy person. This is the call he took:

    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

    Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

    Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

    Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

    Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

    NOTE: It happens that "4X" is also a popular brand of Aussie beer.

  3. #1063
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    Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a
    long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
    breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

    One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
    Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician
    exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
    desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without
    hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
    poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
    after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

    Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
    Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
    saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that
    tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work
    as the antidote to cure the itch.

    The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
    then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
    which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
    worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

    The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
    left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick
    the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
    1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer
    could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never
    report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

    The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
    itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick
    the Dragon Slayer...


    MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

  4. #1064
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    Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had
    occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he
    received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699
    instead.

    Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent the
    part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

    Less than a week later, he received the same part back with
    a letter containing just five words:
    "MORRIS TURN THE BOX OVER."

  5. #1065
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    TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

    AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.

    JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

    CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows... both are mad.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...

  6. #1066
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    Is Windows a Virus?


    No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

    1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

    2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

    3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

    4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

    5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

    6. Viruses do unknown tasks in the background...so does windows.

    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

    So, Windows is not a virus.

  7. #1067
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    Oh wonderful and wise Oracle tell me how would one implement a version > of Windows TP ...... windows for telepaths ?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    You open the box labeled "Windows TP", carefully extracting the pouch labeled "License Agreement". You examine the contents of the pouch, finding an inflatable beanie bearing the Windows logo rather than the familiar 3.5" diskette package. You inflate the beanie, insert two "C"-size batteries (not included), and carefully place it on your head.

    You press the Start button.

    Immediately, the image of an hourglass comes to your mind. You find yourself trapped unable to move anything in your body save your eyes.

    After an indeterminable delay, you regain control of your senses. You are suddenly compelled to speak your name and business affiliation. You then retrieve your Windows TP package and chant the Product-ID number.

    Suddenly you see the words "Windows is detecting new hardware" flash before your eyes.

    You crash to the floor, writhing in agony. You feel every muscle in your body contract and retract in turn. Your mind is filled with the image of a blue inchworm, creeping slowly across a grey field. The creature finally reaches the edge of its domain, and your seizure ceases. You take a moment to regain your composure, and you are reminded of your high school anatomy course as a complete listing of every organ in your body appears before your eyes. You browse the list for a moment, and utter the phrase "OK". After a short delay, you hear the sound of a trumpet echo through the recesses of your mind.

    You find yourself in a large, barren space. You look around, and discover images labeled "My Brain", "Recycle Bin, and "Set up the Microsoft Network". You feel compelled to utter the word "Start", after which a list of options floods your mind. Weary from the detection phase, you utter the word "Shut down". You close your eyes, and blackness surrounds you. You feel yourself start to drift into sleep. Your peace is interrupted, however, as a bright orange light invades your nothingness. "It's now safe to shut down your mind".

    You drift into unconsciousness, and sleep for several hours.

    When you awaken, you are frozen in place as you see clouds and blue cycling colors. After a short eternity, the familiar "My Brain" icon reappears in your mind. But something is terribly wrong you can feel it in your gut. Just outside the range of primary vision, you can sense something lurking about you on all four sides. You slowly look up, and see the word "Safe Mode" glaring back at you. You back away slowly, swivel your head, and there it is, behind you as well. Your heartbeat quickened and you are terrified as you turn to your left and your right and it meets you there as well, its cold, heartless glare filling your soul with despair. Quickly, you summon Control Panel, System, Device Manager. You feel yourself frantically gasping for air as you run through the list of installed devices. You come upon "Respiratory System" and are horrified to see a black exclamation point on a yellow field next to the entry "Lungs". You close your eyes and utter the word "Properties". On the closed curtains of your eyelids, you see your life flashing before your eyes.

    You force yourself to concentrate on your situation, attempting to discover which system devices are in conflict, when suddenly your entire body seizes up in pain.

    You lose all sense of reality. You are floating through the clouds as you hear a voice echo through your mind: "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated." You start to black out and suddenly you remember your situation. You stare in horror at your blue extremities, knowing that, without oxygen, you will not last much longer. With all the consciousness you can muster, you force yourself...

    To reboot.

    You awaken in a place that is dark, but familiar. A solitary white prompt on a black field greets you. You look behind you and see the wreckage of the operating system that nearly spelled your demise. "Cannot find a file that may be needed to run Windows". You turn around to face the prompt, and a wide grin comes across your face. You take a deep breath and revel in the life-giving atmosphere. You laugh as you utter the words,

    "DELTREE WINDOWS".

    Suddenly you find yourself on the floor of your home. You find the charred remains of the Windows TP beanie littering the floor. You carefully gather them up, stack them neatly on an altar, and burn them, promising yourself never to risk your life with Microsoft again. You bury the ashes, knowing that your life is again in order.

    You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows TP and Bill Gates' home address.

  8. #1068
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    A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

    "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

    First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

    As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

    With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

    So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

    Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

    It was not revealed what grade the student got.

  9. #1069
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    Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

    (_!_) A regular ass

    (__!__) A fat ass

    (__)(__) A "wide load" ass

    (!) A tight ass

    (_*_) A sore ass

    {_!_} A swishy ass

    (_o_) An ass that's been around

    (_x_) Kiss my ass

    (_X_) Leave my ass alone

    (_zzz_) A tired ass

    (_E=mc2_) A smart ass

    (_?_) Dumb ass

    (_Lame_) Lame ass

    (_jack_) Jackass

    (_-$_) Cheap ass

    (_0_) A Prison ass

    (_) Half ass

    (^) Registered ass

    (__|___) Lop sided ass

    (_:_) 2 holed ass

    (_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)

    (Mom)(__) Tattooed ass

    ()() Ass print on a window

    ( * * ) Ass with dimples

    (_X X_) A kicked ass

    (_%_) An average ass

    (_$_) A rich ass

    [_!_] A hard ass

  10. #1070
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    A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that
    its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is
    allowed.

    For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter
    told him that's bad.

    Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him
    that that too was bad.

    Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was
    becoming concerned.

    Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work
    with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

    The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her
    surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were
    shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

    I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her
    purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest,
    baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then
    spat in his face".

    "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

    "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

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