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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1071
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    A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch
    more venom than usual.

    "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always
    be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in
    second."

    "Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.

    "Because you're an idiot!"

  2. #1072
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiggo's-sister
    A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch
    more venom than usual.

    "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always
    be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in
    second."

    "Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.

    "Because you're an idiot!"
    the wife must come inf first since she married an idiot

  3. #1073
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kay
    Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

    (_!_) A regular ass

    (__!__) A fat ass

    (__)(__) A "wide load" ass

    (!) A tight ass

    (_*_) A sore ass

    {_!_} A swishy ass

    (_o_) An ass that's been around

    (_x_) Kiss my ass

    (_X_) Leave my ass alone

    (_zzz_) A tired ass

    (_E=mc2_) A smart ass

    (_?_) Dumb ass

    (_Lame_) Lame ass

    (_jack_) Jackass

    (_-$_) Cheap ass

    (_0_) A Prison ass

    (_) Half ass

    (®^®) Registered ass

    (__|___) Lop sided ass

    (_:_) 2 holed ass

    (_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)

    (Mom)(__) Tattooed ass

    ()() Ass print on a window

    ( * * ) Ass with dimples

    (_X X_) A kicked ass

    (_%_) An average ass

    (_$_) A rich ass

    [_!_] A hard ass
    why are you explaing your ass over the internet - I think you need to keep an eye on your missus wiggo

  4. #1074
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    Maybe Kay's trying to give us an indication as to what sort of mood she's in, like an ******* of a mood.........j/k :D

  5. #1075
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    CIA Assassin


    There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available.

    So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    `We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained.
    'Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.'

    The man got a shocked look on his face and said,
    'You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.'

    'Well,' says the CIA man, 'you're definitely not the right man for the job then.'

    So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
    'We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained to the second man.
    `Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her’

    The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes.

    'I tried to shoot her but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.'

    'No,' the CIA man replied, `you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.'

    Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun.
    'We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.'

    The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said,

    `You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the ***** to death with the chair.'

  6. #1076
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    Blondes wish...


    A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp.

    They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a geenie.

    The geenie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"

    So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone.

    The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone.

    The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The geenie says to her " my dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here"

  7. #1077
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    Turned to stone


    Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.

    Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him.

    The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?"

    Johnnie replies: "No...My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

  8. #1078
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    Changing lite bulbs


    Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Exactly Five Hundred:

    1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

    7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

    17 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

    21 to flame the spell checkers

    49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
    light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

    20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

    32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

    69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

    41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

    106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

    12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

    8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

    2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

    15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."

    6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

    9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"

    3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

    1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

    24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

    53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

  9. #1079
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    There was a guy walking down the street and he bumped into an old buddy, Steve. Mark (the first guy) and Steve get talking and Mark asks Steve what he's been up to.

    "I'm going to university," says Steve.

    "Oh, really. What are you taking?" asks Mark.

    "Philosophy," he says.

    "What kind of philosophy?"

    "Logic, actually," says Steve.

    "What's logic?" asks Mark.

    "Well, it's kind of like this -- have you got a fishbowl, Mark?"

    "Yeah, I do as a matter of fact."

    "Well, if you've got a fish bowl, you probably like fish, don't you."

    "Yeah, I do."

    "And if you like fish, chances are you probably like animals, right?"

    "Yeah, I love animals."

    "Well, if you love animals, I'd say there was a probability that you

    like people as well."

    "Yeah, I do. I like people."

    "And if you like people, I'll bet you like women."

    "That's for sure!"

    "And, Mark, if you like women I'd be willing to bet that you like sex."

    "Geez, Steve, I love sex."

    "Well that's the way it works, Mark -- that's logic."

    "Wow, that's great," says Mark.

    At the end of their conversation, Steve had to run and Mark continued on his way down Richmond Street, only to bump into another friend, Paul.


    They get talking and Mark tells Paul he ran into Steve only minutes earlier.

    "Oh, really. What's he up to these days?" asks Paul.

    "He's at university," says Mark.

    "What's he taking?" asks Paul.

    "Logic," says Mark.

    "What's logic?" asks Paul.

    "Well, let me see -- it's sort of like this, Paul: Have you got a fish bowl?"

    "No, I haven't, Mark."

    "What are you, some kind of fag?" says Mark indignantly.

  10. #1080
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    Did you hear about the blonde who was so confused that she sat on the TV and watched the couch.


    Does she know BEEFY?

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