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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1081
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    Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

    When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

    So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

    Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

    Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

    The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

    "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

  2. #1082
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    Clothes Dryer (noun)

    A household appliance designed to eat socks.

  3. #1083
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    A quick witted astronaut, Dwight,
    When asked about his upcoming flight,
    Did he have worry one
    'Bout landing on the sun ?
    "Heck no, we're landing at night!"

  4. #1084
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    If binary digits are bits,
    Then decimal ones could be dits,
    And when things get weary,
    Try something less dreary,
    Like playing with trinary ****.

  5. #1085
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    Two Martians were out one day hiking,
    When they found a new plant to their liking.
    So they sat down to lunch
    And started to munch,
    And the signals stopped coming from Viking.

  6. #1086
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    Null gravity's awkward for lovers,
    Especially pushers and shovers.
    The problems of docking
    And then interlocking
    Are greatly increased when one hovers.

  7. #1087
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    Recipe for the Social Sciences:
    Take 50% math (a la high school probability theory
    and high school algebra)
    Add 50% bull****
    Mix well
    Serve with pencil and shovel while still warm.

  8. #1088
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    A scruffy looking man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
    says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

    The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
    something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

    The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."

    "Deal!" says the man and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
    hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar,
    down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and
    starts playing Gershwin
    songs. And the hamster is really good.

    The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that
    before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The scruffy guy downs the
    drink and asks the bartender for another.

    "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The man
    reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the
    bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great
    pitch... a fine singer.

    A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the man and offers him
    £400 for the frog.
    The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the four hundred quid and gives the
    stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to
    the scruffy man, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for
    £400? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

    "Not so", says the man, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

  9. #1089
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    Q: Why did Cain kill his brother?

    A: Because he was Able.

  10. #1090
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    Johnny's Teacher paid a visit to his house
    one day. When little Johnny opened the
    door, she asked "Are your father and mother
    in, Mr. Morton?"

    "They was in, but they is out now." he
    answered.

    The teacher gasped, "Why, Mr. Johnny Morton,
    it is 'They were in, they are out now.'
    Where's your grammar?"

    "She's upstairs taking her nap."

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