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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #101
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    New England Highlands, Australia


    That's an oldy (like me) but a goody. :thumb:
    Well here's one but I hope Bern doesn't see it. ;)

    On his recent tour of Australia, the Pope took a couple of days
    off his itinerary to visit the wild outdoors of northern Australia
    on an impromptu safari.
    Deep into the bush, his 4X4 Popemobile, was driving alongside a
    river when there was an enormous commotion heard up ahead. They
    rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope
    noticed in the river, a hapless man wearing a New Zealand football
    top, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty
    foot crocodile.
    At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing green & gold
    football tops roared into view from around a bend in the river.
    Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the
    croc's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached and
    pulled the Kiwi from the river and using long clubs beat the croc to
    They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat
    along with the dead croc and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when
    they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
    It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the river bank.
    Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the
    rescue and said: "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I
    had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to
    divide Austrailia & New Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own
    eyes this is not true.
    I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial
    harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could
    follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
    As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others:
    "Who was that???!" - "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the
    He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
    "Well, " the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothing about
    croc hunting! - What condition is the bait in?"


  2. #102
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
    who was speeding down Main Street.

    "But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

    "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm
    going to let you cool off in jail until the chief
    gets back."

    "But officer, I just wanted to say..."

    "And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"

    A few hours later, the officer checked up on his
    prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's
    at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood
    when he gets back."

    "I doubt that very much" said the man "I am the
    man who's marrying his daughter!"

  3. #103
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    Little Johnny's father called him one day and said,
    "Little Johnny, Do you know who pushed over the

    Little Johnny replied, "Yes, Father, I must admit,
    that I pushed over the outhouse."
    Little Johnny's father said, "Well, just for that
    you will go to bed without supper for one whole
    week, and tonight you'll meet me outside the
    woodshed for a whupping."

    "But Dad," Little Johnny said, tears starting to
    well up in his eyes. "George Washington's father
    asked him who chopped down the cherry tree, and
    George Washington didn't lie, and told his father
    the truth, and his father didn't punish him."

    "That's right, Little Johnny," his father replied,
    "But George Washington's father wasn't in that
    cherry tree at the time."

  4. #104
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Here.....of course!


    A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before
    Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their
    heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking
    God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then
    he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,
    Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then
    he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for
    the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry
    sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he
    paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long
    silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and
    asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know
    that I'm lying?"

  5. #105
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Bendigo Australia


    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. C
    Christmas Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

    1 C Water
    1 C Sugar
    4 Large eggs
    3 C dried fruit
    1 tsp. baking soda
    1 tsp. salt
    1 C Brown sugar
    Lemon juice, nuts
    1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

    Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
    Take out a large bowl.
    Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
    Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
    Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
    Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
    Try another cup. Turn off the mixer.
    Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
    Mix on the burner.
    If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
    Sample the whiskey to check for oxisisticity.
    Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
    Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
    Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
    Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
    Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
    Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
    Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
    Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???
    my kinda recipe

  6. #106
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. 'He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted a laxative and told him to take it all at once' John explained. 'Laxatives won't cure a cough' Bob shouted angrily. 'Sure it will' John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. 'Look at him. He's afraid to cough.'

  7. #107
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    fter the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it. The guy from ******ss sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a ******ss?' The ******ss president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

  8. #108
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named... MR. POTATO HEAD. He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

  9. #109
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    How to Change Your Oil
    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
    2. Drink a cup of coffee.
    3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
    2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
    3. Open a beer and drink it.
    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7. Place drain pan under engine.
    8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10. Unscrew drain plug.
    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
    12. Clean up.
    13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
    14. Look for oil filter wrench.
    15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.
    16. Beer.
    17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
    18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.
    19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.
    20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.
    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.
    26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.
    27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
    28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.
    29. Begin cussing fit.
    30. Throw wrench.
    31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982) in the left boob.
    32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
    33. Beer.
    34. Beer.
    35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
    36. Beer.
    37. Lower car from jack stands.
    38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
    39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.
    40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.

  10. #110
    Join Date
    Nov 2001


    A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, 'You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!'

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