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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1091
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building
    got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the
    umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet.

    Going to her apartment, where the female tenant
    happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other
    tenants in the building, the super had to endure her
    telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete,
    incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go
    to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness.

    He didn't say anything but merely concentrated on
    fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about
    the bad service.

    So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when
    the super reached quickly into his tool bag. A minute
    later he held something up triumphantly and told her
    and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging
    your toilet."

    All the guests broke into shocked laughter and the woman
    turned a bright red. The super was holding up a large
    yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it.

    The woman never complained again.

  2. #1092
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
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    A Cool Pig
    One sunny day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away a crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see what was in the crate.

    The man open the crate and was stunned to see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so he asked a police officer for some advice. The officer suggested that the man take the pig to the local zoo.

    A few days later while the police officer was directing traffic, he noticed this same man driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the man so he could find out if everything went well with his advice.

    The officer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack of beer and some popcorn. "Good afternoon officer!" the man said.

    The pig looked over and gave a couple of polite snorts.

    The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"

    The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun, that, today we're going to the ballgame!"

  3. #1093
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    Sep 2002
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    An Unusual Sheep
    A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"

    They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.

    "Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"

    One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, with a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing. Your a sheep. Sheep go baa!"

    His friend exclaims, "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

  4. #1094
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    Sep 2002
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    Branding Cattle
    A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

    "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

    "But, where are all your cattle?"

    "So far, none have survived the branding."

  5. #1095
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    Sep 2002
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    City Women Visits A Farm
    The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

    The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

    Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

    "Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

    The farmer ****ed his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

  6. #1096
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    Sep 2002
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    Goats Eating Movies
    Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"

    The second goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book."

  7. #1097
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    Nov 2001
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    6,297

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    When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

    IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
    AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
    AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
    AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

    IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

    IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
    AT WORK........You have to share.

    IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

    IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
    AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
    AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

    IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
    AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

    IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
    AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

    NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

  8. #1098
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    My Wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and I were shopping in crowded
    mall. We had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening
    and I decided that I was going to really get her. I announced in a
    loud voice that, "If you don't stop insulting me I'm not going to
    marry you!". I was disappointed that only a few people around us
    reacted but my Wife managed to bring down the house when she
    responded, "That's ok, I won't tell you who the father is!".

  9. Default

    1. The AOL car would have a top speed of 40 mph yet have
    a 200 mph speedometer.
    2. The AOL car would come equipped with a new and
    fantastic 8-track tape player.
    3. The car would often refuse to start and owners
    would just expect this and try again later.
    4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to
    protect the driver from seeing better cars.
    5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year
    and claim it's the new model.
    6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would
    just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
    7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but
    would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
    8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have
    5 extra seats for family members.
    9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue
    to make payments for 6 months.
    10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would
    take the car away from them.
    11. The AOL car would have an AOL cell phone that can only
    place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
    12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners
    from driving near other car dealerships.
    13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
    14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples
    AOL cars stall just for fun.
    15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
    16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more
    and gave worse mileage.
    17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would
    wonder, a/s/l?
    18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry
    another AOL car owner.
    19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than
    they really are.
    20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel, and AOL would claim
    no other cars have them.
    21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say "good-bye."
    22. The AOL car owner would only see other cars on the street if
    they are on their AOL car buddy list.
    23. The AOL car owner could block themselves out from other AOL car drivers,
    making it impossible to see where the other cars are going.
    24. If an AOL car is stolen, AOL would do nothing to get it back.

  10. #1100
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
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    REMEMBER YOUR BUMPER STICKERS

    Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.

    They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

    He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

    He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

    God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ...Jesus saves!"

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