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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1101
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    Geek Guys Rule!

    By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat

    So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the scenester dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot grrrls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

    Why Geek Dudes Rule

    They are generally available.
    Other women will tend not to steal them.
    They can fix things.
    Your parents will love them.
    They're loyal.
    They're smart.
    Where The Geek Dude Lurks

    While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.

    Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.

    Imprinting

    You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic....

    The Trek Factor

    If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship.

    Once You've Nabbed Him

    Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man:

    Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

    Geek Cuisine

    Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

    Geek Lifestyle

    The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize.

    To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.

    Geek Buddies

    Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are.

    One Last Thing

    Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.

    Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so.


    Happy Hunting!

  2. #1102
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    Cartoon Laws of Physics

    Cartoon Law I
    Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

    Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.

    Cartoon Law II
    Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

    Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

    Cartoon Law III
    Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

    Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

    Cartoon Law IV
    The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

    Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

    Cartoon Law V
    All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

    Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

    Cartoon Law VI
    As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

    This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

    Cartoon Law VII
    Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

    This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.

    This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

    Cartoon Law VIII
    Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

    Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives, might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

    Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

    Cartoon Law IX
    Everything falls faster than an anvil.

    Cartoon Law X
    For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

    This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.




    Cartoon Law Amendment A
    A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

    When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

    Cartoon Law Amendment B
    The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

    Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

    Cartoon Law Amendment C
    Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

    They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

    Cartoon Law Amendment D
    Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

    Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

    Cartoon Law Amendment E
    Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

    The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

  3. #1103
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    Just a little off the top, please...

    A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."

    The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.

    The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.

    In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"

  4. #1104
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    Is there a Santa Clause?

    As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

    1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen.)

    2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

    4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

    5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

  5. #1105
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    The Twelve Bugs of Christmas




    Com'on now! Sing Along!

    For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "See if they can do it again."


    For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again."


    For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again."


    For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again."


    For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again."


    For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again."


    For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again."


    For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again."


    For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Blame it on the hardware
    Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again."


    For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Change the documentation
    Blame it on the hardware
    Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again."


    For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Say it's not supported
    Change the documentation
    Blame it on the hardware
    Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.


    For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    "Tell them it's a feature
    Say it's not supported
    Change the documentation
    Blame it on the hardware
    Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

  6. #1106
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    A Star Trek Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship,
    Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
    The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
    In hope that no aliens would get up that early.

    The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
    (Except for the few who were partying drunks);
    And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her place,
    Had just settled down from the day's rat race.

    When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
    That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
    Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
    Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!".

    The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
    Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
    When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
    But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.
    But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
    That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

    His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
    Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;
    "It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc! I
    t's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
    To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
    Now float away, float away, float away all!

    As leaves in autum are whisked off the street,
    So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
    And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew,
    As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!".
    The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
    And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

    As we took in our plight and were looking around,
    The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
    Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
    Appeared once again to continue the show.

    "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!",
    And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"
    "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
    "I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."

    As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
    He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.
    "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
    There's something delightful for everyone here."
    He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
    And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

    "For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
    Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
    For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
    And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

    For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
    For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
    For Beverly Crusher, a promotion and fur,
    And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of serving with her."

    Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
    And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
    But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
    "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!!"

  7. #1107
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    How to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses:

    Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)

    Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.

    Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

    Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

    Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) ...and don't come back.

    Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (booky, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearfull confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

    Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

    Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

    (males only) Feign an intense interest in their speil. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

    Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

  8. #1108
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    Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their
    fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words
    on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him
    $50."

    The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few
    words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give
    him $100."

    The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles
    a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And,
    it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

  9. #1109
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    74 default pages long and still goin' I see. :D


  10. #1110
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    Caddy Humor

    Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
    Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?

    Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?

    Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.

    Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.

    Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?

    ''Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?''

    ''Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mr. Smith. You caught me off guard.''

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