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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1111
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    The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

    One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

    But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

    As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

    The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

  2. #1112
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    A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says "Guys, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

    The Frenchman says, in a very heavy french accent, "I take ze sword." When the chief gives him a sword the Frenchman takes it, exclaims "Vive la France," and runs himself through.

    The Englishman is next. He looks the chief in the eye and says " a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him the pistol. The Englishman ****s the gun, points it at his head, yells "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

    The chief turns to the New Yorker. "Gimme a fork" the man says, with complete disdain. The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives the man a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his body-the stomach, the sides, the chest, his arms, his legs, everywhere.Blood is gushing out of what seems like every inch of his body. It is horrible.

    The chief is appalled, and asks "My God almighty, what are you doing?"

    The New Yorker looks up at him from the ever expanding pool of blood and says "So much for your canoe, you stupid *******!"

  3. #1113
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    Two men lost their way in the jungle, and were later captured by the cannibals. They were being brought to the cannibals' 7ft 7", mascular chief. The chief said to the first guy,"You have got two choices:- 'Banga' or death?"

    The first guy thought,"Nothing can be worst than death!" So, he told the chief,"I choose 'Banga'!" The next moment, he was being brought into a hut, and was being gang-banged by the chief and 9 other cannibals. He cried in pain till the whole thing ended. When he came out of the hut, he told the second guy,"Don't choose 'Banga'. 'Banga' is very painful. Choose 'death'."

    So, when the chief posed the same question to the second guy, without hesitation he chose 'death'.

    Upon hearing this, the cannibal chief said,"'Death'? 'Banga' till death."

  4. #1114
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    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

    "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

    "What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

    "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

    No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

    Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the "statue", "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

  5. #1115
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    It was time for Bill Gates to make the transition from his earthly home. St.

    Peter agreed to be his guide. Since Bill had been such an important person

    on earth, St. Peter decided to allow him to make a choice between Heaven and

    Hell. So Bill was first escorted to a tour of Hell--it was not at all what

    he expected. It was actually a pleasant spot, with good food, wine, and

    music, entertainment, beautiful women--an all-around very fine place. St.

    Peter and Bill then toured Heaven; again Bill was surprised--it was a stark

    and dreary place, very simple and pastoral with only very basic amenities.

    Bill was not impressed, and so he chose Hell as his preferred destination.

    A few weeks later, St Peter paid a visit to Hell to check in on Bill. Bill

    was extremely unhappy, tied up to a post with flames all around him, burning,

    hungry, and scared. He called out to St. Peter, "Hey, this is not what I

    expected! What went wrong? How could I have made such a mistake?" St. Peter

    listened patiently and then replied, "Bill, I'm sorry about the

    misunderstanding, but what you first saw was only a demo!"

  6. #1116
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    A couple was driving along the freeway on their way to their wedding when they were in a car accident, and both were killed. They were met in heaven by Saint Peter and explained that they were to be married but now they are no longer with the living, but still wanted to get married. Saint Peter said, "let me see what I can do"

    A year passed and Saint Peter returned and informed them that they now could get married. Six months later the couple went to the Angel and said, "we made a mistake and now we want a divorce." Saint Peter said "It took me a year to find a preacher and now you want a lawyer!?"

  7. #1117
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    A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

    He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

    The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

    Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

  8. #1118
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    Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks.

    The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today."

    "It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second.

    "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU," he answers.

  9. #1119
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    A policeman stopped a lady and asked for her license. He said, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're still getting a ticket!"

  10. #1120
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    An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

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