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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #1121
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    A Bad Day

    The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
    "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
    "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
    The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
    "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
    "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?
    "No, this is 223-1375."
    "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
    There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

  2. #1122
    Join Date
    Sep 2002



    A lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the lawyer for the defence?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire city. Yes, I know him."

    At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

  3. #1123
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    The Stewardess

    An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

    The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

    She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

    "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

    The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

  4. #1124
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    She was so blonde....

    she sent me a fax with a stamp on it

    she thought a quarterback was a refund

    she tripped over a cordless phone

    she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

    she got stabbed in a shoot-out

    she told someone to met her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON`T WALK"

    they had to burn the school down to get her out of the third grade

    she took a ruler to bed to see hoe long she slept

    at the bottom of the application when it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius"

    if she spoke her mind, she`d probably be speechless

    when she heard that 90% of crimes occur around the house, she moved

  5. #1125
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Bad Dog

    This is a list of phrases dog owners should get their naughty pets to write
    on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write...
    Send more suggestions to Harold Reynolds, [email protected]
    NOTE: There is a companion "Bad Kitty/Bad Human List" posted in rec.pets.cats.
    This list is also available at

    First posting: November 22, 1993. Latest update: [March 7, 1995].
    A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.

    A. Fill in the blanks

    1. [xxx] is not food.
    Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved
    jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry
    detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote
    controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my
    house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty
    Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans;
    fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes
    hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey
    packets; staples; used condoms; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and
    other thin plastic things; bar soap; a brand new baseball glove (entire
    webbing consumed); the Bible; caulking; writing utensils (especially red
    magic markers); marbles; tomatoes from the vegetable garden; plastic switch
    plate covers (screws and all).

    2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
    Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend;
    mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the
    conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to
    impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

    3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
    The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects
    (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote
    control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine;
    large patterns on wallpaper;

    4. [xxx] is not a toy.
    The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet ****atiel; newly
    planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR
    clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of
    drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's
    filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear;
    Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.

    5. I will not chew the [xxx].
    Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard
    around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door;
    kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's
    *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib;
    horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive
    paperbacks; seat belt.

    6. I will not bark at [xxx].
    Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it
    is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy
    (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours
    before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along
    the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid
    flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown
    on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone
    sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by
    myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight,
    especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a
    walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the
    date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone
    that I'm making no headway on; absolutely _nothing_ (especially after 11
    pm); cartoon black cats in Hallowe'en displays; Japanese kabuki music.

    7. I will not dig [xxx].
    Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it
    collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it;
    under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a
    swimming pool in the back yard;

    B. Others

    a) ---Food/Water---

    I will not target the most expensive cheese in the platter for eating.
    I will not eat the soap.
    I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
    I will not eat my human's plants.
    I will not conspire with the cat to get the roast thawing on the windowsill.
    I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.
    I will not get caught with my entire head in the dog food bag when Mom is busy
    cleaning my sister's paws.
    I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.
    Mommy can have her own food without feeding me.
    I will not drink out of the toilet right after it's used until Mom flushes it.
    I will not levitate loaves of bread, pans of brownies, bowls of soup, and
    other edible things off the kitchen counters.
    I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of
    the serving bowls.
    I will quit escaping from the vet and eating all the other dogs', cats' and
    birds' food.
    I will politely refuse when my great-grandmother makes me steak tips and rice,
    because I know this is not good for me.
    Even though I'm a springer, I will not spring through the open car window and
    into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
    If I absolutely _must_ eat all the Christmas baking my Mommy stayed up all
    night to do, I won't run up to her and burp contentedly in her face.
    I will not dive into the Christmas Tree to get the candy canes (which I will
    eat--paper and all).
    I will not drink out of the toilet no matter how thirsty I am.
    I will not eat a whole loaf of bread; it only makes doxies look shorter.
    I will not eat Mommy's hair clips for dessert.
    Rolling Stone magazine is a READING supplement, not an EATING one.
    Wallpaper, drywall, and fiberglass insulation is a three-course meal that
    gives me a tummyache.
    Caterpillars are not crawling hors d'oeurves.
    Lipstick is not food, even if mommy 'eats' it. (the effect was a bit
    Crinkling cellophane is NOT a food sound from the wild and I will not come and
    hunt it when I hear it.
    Just because the human is smaller than me, I cannot have its food.
    I will not get a mouthful of kibble and dribble it all across the kitchen,
    dining room, and living room floor, just so Mom (who is reading in the living
    room) can watch me eat.
    I will not eat the baggie of chocolate wafer cookies Daddy left on the coffee
    table so that Mommy has a big, brown, spot to clean off of the carpet when she
    gets home after a long day at work.
    I will not lick or steal raw chicken from the grill while Daddy is not
    I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until _after_ they're out of the
    I will not crawl up on the table and eat only the meat (leaving the veggies,
    of course) on my family's plates.
    The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
    Dogs do not like jalapeno peppers. I am a dog.
    I will not eat (peanut butter, suet, ...) because it makes me throw up, even
    though it usually stays down the second time.

  6. #1126
    Join Date
    Sep 2002



    This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write
    on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write...
    Send more suggestions to Harold Reynolds, [email protected]
    First posting: September 20, 1993. Latest update: November 15, 1993.
    NOTE: As of November 1, this list will be posted every two weeks (or so).

    A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.

    A. Fill in the blanks

    1. [xxx] is not food.
    Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs,
    shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord.

    2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
    kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30
    a.m., bed at night, TV

    3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
    sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new
    speakers, wallpaper, window screen

    4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
    floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return,
    the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table,
    big people's shoes, bathtub

    5. I will not climb the [xxx].
    Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls

    6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
    Tissues, my toy mouse, the houseplants, half-digested food

    7. I will not hide [xxx].
    Pens, curlers, or housekeys under the carpet.

    8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
    Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, houseplant, human's
    toes, baby, human

    9. [xxx] is not cat food.
    Chocolate, bananas, pizza

    10. [xxx] is not a bed/litter box.
    The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
    people's wedding, piano strings, mommy's sock drawer.

    11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
    The paper coming from the printer, the newspaper, Mummy, open milk cartons,
    toilet paper, pantyhose, paper clips, human's toes, the produce ripening
    on the kitchen counter, Q-tips.

    12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
    Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher.

    From: [email protected] (John C. Stomieroski)
    13. I will not jump onto the [aaa] to knock over the [bbb] or I will be [ccc]
    (if they can ever catch me, that is).
    aaa - fireplace mantel, counter top, window box, entertainment center
    bbb - wedding album, vases, dishes, houseplant, curios
    ccc - scolded, locked in the basement, shot, punted, terrorized
    (These are jokes! I only THINK of doing these things. God, how I think
    of these!

  7. #1127
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Tips On Building A Resume

    Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for
    dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get
    you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus

    THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit.
    Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that
    might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards"
    O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.

    THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead!
    Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails.
    Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

    THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000
    to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate
    somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never
    put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some
    interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.

    THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know
    what I mean:"Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art
    technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is
    doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell
    them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my
    dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes
    every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in
    the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way
    into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off
    40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-
    paying, dead-end, back-office position."

    EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where
    you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe
    side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a
    prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list
    under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration,
    Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear
    Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."

    EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience.
    But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational
    database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system...
    Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience:
    high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So
    if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies.
    Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience
    you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food
    Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-
    code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for
    graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much
    Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-
    availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that
    one off as watching too much MTV.

    THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-
    close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation:
    Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll
    remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know
    where you live."

  8. #1128
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Stages of an employee:

    Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long
    lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no
    real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out
    of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk
    to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life
    is great!

    Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss
    asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to
    friends, "I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation". Considers a
    $25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on
    occasion. Life is pretty good.

    Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take
    the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless
    projects, like changing "Systems Group" to "Technology Group" in all
    company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers.
    Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise
    and small promotion. Life is good.

    Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats
    lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of
    work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will
    not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company
    perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.

    Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is
    consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives
    all self-esteem from company and superiors' approbation. Spends
    entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally
    immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front
    of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is

    Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the
    success of the firm. Doesn't enjoy work anymore even though the
    salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day.
    Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn't want to
    give up the wide screen TV. Doesn't know what to do on a day off.
    Life is hell.

    Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to
    continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always
    works late in order to do the real work that can't be done during the
    day. Has 5 times as many business outfits as friends. Home life
    starts to break down. Life is stressful.

    Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords.
    Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as
    resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client.
    Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets,
    unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life
    is OK.

    Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings.
    Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf
    with other Upper Managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone
    anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public
    transportation. Life is good.

    Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to
    come to work because it's fun. Says things like, "We need more market
    penetration in Liberia" and over the next few months, it happens. If
    it doesn't, the executive must do even more work by saying, "Why don't
    we have market penetration in Liberia?" Magically, it happens and
    executive is called a visionary. Life is great!

  9. #1129
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Since You've Already Given Your Notice...

    Twenty-Five fun things to do/ways to freak out your coworkers the last two
    weekd of a jov you've already quite or been fired from:


    25. Two words: whoopie cushion

    24. Wear green lipstick and pinch everyone and tell them it's for "not
    honoring St. Patty". If they correct you to tell you it's not St.
    Patrick's day, whisper "Don't tell that to the leprechaun!" and
    slither away.

    23. Call your boss "Sport" and "Slugger" for your entire last week.

    22. Constantly eat hamburger. On your last day, "accidentally" leave
    hamburger meat on/in/near your desk.

    21. Walk around quietly singing "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me,
    guess I'll go eat worms"

    20. Play dead.

    19. Sign all your emails "Disgruntled,"

    18. Don't wear deodorant. If people act like you smell (because you do),
    tell them it's your new cologne "mordre" (French for "bite me").

    17. Burn incense and if you're told it's against office policy to have
    something burning inside, say in an evil voice as you can muster,
    "Fine. YOU tell Buddha that!"

    16. Send out very random one word emails to the whole staff like "banana"
    or "pancreas" or "transvestite". Nothing else. Just the one word. Do
    this about 3 times a day for a week, and if people tell you to stop,
    tell them it must be a bug in your system.

    17. If you have a "kitchen" in your office, write "die" on the counter in
    blood. Just leave it there. Wear a prominent Band-Aid and look at
    everyone with a glare.

    16. Come to work in slippers.

    15. Wear white pants and thong underwear, even if you are a guy.

    14. If you're lucky enough to have a board meeting your last week, squirm
    like you have to pee, but tell people it's those "pesky parasites"

    13. . . .drink beer.

    12. . . .wear a Burger King crown and sit with your eyes closed the entire
    time. Even when you're talking, don't open your eyes, but make facial
    expressions nonetheless.

    11. . . .consistently hum one monotone note quietly but keep acting like
    you are really interested in the meeting. Take notes, nod, look
    around. If someone asks what the noise is, say "What noise?" and act
    just as curious as everyone else.

    10. Tell your co-workers you now prefer to be called "Posh Spice" because
    it makes you feel worthwhile and sexy.

    9. If you've been "let go", growl quietly every time you see your boss.
    Keep normal facial expressions and body movement.

    8. Tell people you are engaged, and when they start congratulating you,
    say in a defensive tone with your hand on your forehead, "Stop
    pressuring me! I'll get married when I get married!".

    7. Tell everyone that next week, you'll be living the "high life" as an

    6. Go to a costume shop and get a real looking fake wound. Plaster it to
    your face and tell everyone it was from "that ferret I just can't get
    rid of".

    5. Place a teddy bear next to your computer on your desk. Frequently talk
    to it and kiss it.

    4. Give a forwarding address in Katmandu.

    3. One day, have a "flashback" and come to work dressed in 80's attire.
    Tell your office mates you really never thought the 80's died, they

    were just taking an extended leave.

    2. If you're ever in the coffee room alone, and someone else comes in,
    ignore their presence and make loud cappuccino noises while you
    prepare your drink.

    And the number one way to freak our your coworkers after doing all these
    things. . .

    1. Stay.

  10. #1130
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    New Office Work Rules

    1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept
    your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you
    are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this
    practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all
    of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything
    removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed
    certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

    3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange
    for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can
    let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

    4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would
    like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach
    someone else your job.

    5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
    washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in
    alphabetical order, for instance, those with surnames beginning with
    "A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable
    to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the
    next day when your time comes around again.

    6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do

    7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

    8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
    and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.



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