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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1131
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    Sep 2002
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    462

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    Burn Calories While Your At Work


    Here's the activities guide to burning calories at work and the number
    of calories they consume per hour.

    Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
    Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
    Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
    Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
    Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
    Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300
    Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
    Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
    Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
    Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
    Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
    Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
    Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
    Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
    Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
    Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
    Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
    Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
    Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
    Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
    Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

    To which you may want to add your own favourite activities,
    including:

    Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
    Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
    Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
    Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
    Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
    Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
    Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

  2. #1132
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    Sep 2002
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    Coffee Drinkers Prayer
    Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
    It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
    It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
    It restoreth my buzz:
    It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
    I will fear no Equal (tm):
    For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
    Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
    Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
    Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
    and I will dwell in the House of Mocha's forever.

    Amen

  3. #1133
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    Sep 2002
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    462

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    Snappy Things To Say To Co-Workers
    Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and retarded world-view.
    I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
    Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
    I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
    What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
    I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
    Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    How about never? Is never good for you?
    I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
    You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
    You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
    I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
    I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    Who me? I just wander from room to room.

  4. #1134
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    Sep 2002
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    Styles For Better Managment



    1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
    These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps
    away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have
    disappeared around the corner.

    2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
    These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with
    their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts
    keep staring out of the windows.

    3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
    Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their
    'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

    4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
    These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is
    good, He knows what she must do.

    5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
    These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give
    answers.
    Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.

    6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
    These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of
    the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely
    satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.

    7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
    Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret
    kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at
    all. Beware of simulants from category 5!

    8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
    These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they
    got more work to do.

    9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
    In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in
    the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the
    lesser equal managers, and so on.

    10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
    If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also
    wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.

    11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
    Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and
    congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn,
    the further they get from the practice.

    12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
    Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles?
    These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

    13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
    This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management
    style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody
    ever knows where these managers are.

    14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
    This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few
    hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

    15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
    In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are
    really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the
    organization from having a better infrastructure.

    16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
    This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And
    Clearer Way Of Communication )

    17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
    These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined,
    terms.

    18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
    If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

    19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
    These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at
    all.

    20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
    If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that
    promise is to low to remember.

  5. #1135
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
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    Daily Affirmations For The Office
    As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
    I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
    I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
    I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
    In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
    Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
    My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
    I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
    Joan of Arc heard voices too.
    I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
    I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
    As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
    When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
    The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
    As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
    All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
    I am at one with my duality.
    Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
    I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
    Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
    I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
    Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
    False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
    A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
    Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
    Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
    Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
    The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
    I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
    Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
    To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
    I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

  6. #1136
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
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    462

    Default

    How To Mess With The Heads Of Co-Workers
    Play a game of Twister. Rather than spin a needle on a board, spin your boss around as fast as you can. If he pukes, everyone gets the day off.
    Park an old beat-up truck carrying a big arty-heart outside the downtown mall. Make sure it says "The Bomb" on the bumper.
    Unplug the refrigerator. Three hours later, award a "Rankest Lunch o' the Day" trophy.
    Make the guy who's always late eat the smelly lunch for breakfast.
    Lower all the desks to ankle level.
    Post a memo stating that all employees whp haven't erased unliscenced software on their computers _by last Friday_ will be fired.
    Hastily scribble "Lost: Red-and-black boa constrictor" on the chalkboard.
    Stage a mock murder for the window washer to "accidently" observe.
    Argue over who invented the Macerena dance, the Wave, and how long before someone combines them into the MacaWave.
    Pants everyone whose last name starts with "T."
    Leave a fake list of salaries in the copier.
    Cut a lock of hair from people exiting the restroon. Apologize by saying, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
    Change the coffee to decaf, and watch everyone become really irratible.
    See who can refrain from asking "How was your weekend" the longest.
    Hoard the office supplies and listen in glee as strains of "...a $5-billion company and I can't even find any damn paper clips..." carry through the hallways.
    Hold a combo keg chug/limbo contest. The winner receives a promotion.
    Telephone a coworker's spouse at home, claiming you found the employee's wallet at the strip joint. Throw in "...a little mink oil should take that right out..." for good measure.
    Call a meeting and announce "Listen. This computer thing just isn't working out. You'll all have typewriters and White Out on your desks after lunch."
    Walk around claiming you're cookoo for Cocoa Puffs.
    Replace the soda pop in the cafeteria vending machine with live squid.
    Every hour on the hour, scream "Hey Mo!" followed by a low-pitched "nyuk nyuk."
    Sign your e-mail "Love. stinky."
    Start rumors about the new dress code, "All Fuchsia, all the time."
    Toss the geeky guy's keyboard in the recycle bin. Reassure him it'll be back as a scratch pad one day.
    Create a "Who's sleeping with Who" office pool.
    Change all screen savers to read "If this cubicle's rocking, don't come a knockin'."
    Fine anyone who uses the word "opportunity" instead of "problem."

  7. #1137
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    Sep 2002
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    The New Rush Job Calender


    Neg Fri Fri Fri Thu Wed Tue
    8 7 6 5 4 3 2
    16 15 14 12 11 10 9
    23 22 21 20 19 18 17
    32 30 28 27 26 25 24
    39 38 37 36 35 34 33



    * This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush
    jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar, a job can be
    ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

    * Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays
    in every week.

    * There are eight new days added to each month to allow for
    end-of-the-month panic jobs.

    * There is no 1st of the month -- thus avoiding late delivery of the
    previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

    * Monday morning hangovers are abolished together along with
    non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

    * A new day, Negotiation Day, has been introduced keeping the
    other days free for un-interrupted panic.

  8. #1138
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    Sep 2002
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    Signs Your Company May Downsize

    10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.

    9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".

    8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly
    with the dorky Personnel Manager.

    7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.

    6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.

    5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.

    4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local
    Taco Bell.

    3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store"
    are discontinued.

    2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
    pliers and 2 aspirin).

    1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all
    existing departments in the Company.

    Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!"

  9. #1139
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    Sep 2002
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    462

    Default

    So you want the day off from work, eh?

    Fair enough...let's take a look at what you're asking for.

    There are 365 days per year available for work.

    There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per
    week, leaving 261 days available for work.

    Since you spend 16 hours each day AWAY from work, you have used up 170
    days, leaving only 90 days available.

    You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks. That takes care of 23
    days, leaving 68 days available.

    You take an hour's lunch EVERY day, which takes up another 46 days,
    leaving only 22 days available for work.

    You normally spend 2 days per year on Sick Leave. This leaves only 20
    daysavailable for work.

    We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is
    down to 15 days.

    We GENEROUSLY give you 14 days annual leave which leaves only 1 day
    available for work, and I'll tell you this mate, I'll be damned if
    you're going to take that day off!!!

  10. #1140
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Posts
    462

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    ATTENTION *****
    Our Complaint Department is now run by

    Hellen Waite

    All Members with Comments and Complaints are to be directed to go to

    Hellen Waite

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