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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1151
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    The Conversion Chart
    10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
    10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
    500 millinaries = 1 seminary
    2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
    10 cards = 1 decacards
    1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
    10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
    453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
    10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
    10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
    10 rations = 1 decoration
    100 rations = 1 C-ration
    10 millipedes = 1 centipede
    3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
    5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
    2 monologues = 1 dialogues
    10 monologues = 1 decalogue
    2 monograms = 1 diagram
    8 nickles = 2 paradigms
    2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
    2 wharves = 1 paradox

  2. #1152
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    These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

    The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

    "Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

  3. #1153
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    Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

  4. #1154
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    Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!

    Follow this simple procedure:

    Hold down the shift key.
    Hit the 4 key four times.

  5. #1155
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    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

    Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

  6. #1156
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    Programmers Drinking Song
    99 little bugs in the code,
    99 bugs in the code,
    fix one bug, compile it again,
    101 little bugs in the code.
    101 little bugs in the code.....
    (Repeat until BUGS = 0)

  7. #1157
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    If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed...

    ..oh wait, he does.

  8. #1158
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    25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors



    1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if
    you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while
    brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor
    objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

    2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far
    away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing,
    shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!"
    If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her
    you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

    3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
    bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock.
    Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and
    the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about
    two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit
    the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the
    duration of the class.

    4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to
    get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a
    big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes,
    saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"

    5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
    bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take
    a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

    6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers,
    or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how
    small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a
    panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

    7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take
    attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway
    through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you
    again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

    8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout
    class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!"
    Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking.
    Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you
    back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run
    home.

    9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class,
    release the hornets, scream, and run away.

    10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start
    using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand
    sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

    11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
    you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look
    at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After
    a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this
    once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every
    time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to
    "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the
    cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

    12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
    explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

    13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
    give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

    14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get
    your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water
    pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say,
    "Pretty scary, huh?"

    15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
    surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class
    until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the
    strippers are going to arrive.

    16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
    Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All"
    or "An Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About."
    Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

    17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
    Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

    18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it,
    and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra
    credit.

    19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
    minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the
    building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note
    to a rock, and throw it through the window.

    20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think
    up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class
    and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that
    he/she is "very inspiring."

    21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor
    that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and
    relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper.
    When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things
    like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming
    you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

    22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your
    professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it
    on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

    23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
    class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested,
    and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic
    interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make
    copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

    24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next
    to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck"
    and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

    25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
    professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other
    people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have
    frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested
    in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or
    stop you, act annoyed and beat him up.

  9. #1159
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    45 Cool Things To Do In A College Dorm Shower Stall



    1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly,
    exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"

    2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes
    get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt
    tends to bleed all over.

    3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

    4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of
    the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run
    full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed
    to take your shower.

    5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you.
    Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those."
    Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

    6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and
    then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World
    After All."

    7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next
    stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or
    you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the
    chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick
    numerous pins and forks in it.

    8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try
    to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say
    that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting
    negatively with your stomach.

    9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next
    person showering.

    10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they
    come in, tell them "Not to do it" and ask them "Not to give in to
    sin". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

    11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the
    residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little
    battleship over to their side. If they kick them back or throw
    them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the
    power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of
    your shower.

    12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch". Ask if
    someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does,
    tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that
    the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations
    and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

    13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in
    your best groggy voice.

    14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache,
    then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain
    "ditch" for all to see.

    15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up
    a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon
    to set the trap up for you.

    16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the
    duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the
    ground.

    17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the
    drainage "ditch", complaining about the quality of water these days.

    18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have
    everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old
    McDonald Had A Farm", making the sound of their animal in the stall.

    19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist
    that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence
    and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.

    20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the
    Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs,
    bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory.
    Leave wounded.

    21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your
    concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn't give
    them the right to spread it.

    22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

    23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it.
    Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing
    nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.

    24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for
    a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these
    words REALLY mean?"

    25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the
    bathroom.

    26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that
    they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a
    fountain.

    27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and
    wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about
    how dizzy you are.

    28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy
    shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them
    into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they
    hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.

    29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)

    30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony
    with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every
    three measures.

    31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have
    rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo
    on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.

    32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and
    Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people
    using the toilet stalls.

    33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to the
    floor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Three
    days later have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and
    terrorize the school.

    34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon
    leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by
    the Germans. Be ****y.

    35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a "Mmm!" sound, and then
    announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of
    tastes like head cheese.

    36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

    37. Steal everyone's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their
    rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy
    organization.

    38. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the
    stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and
    ignore them for the rest of your life.

    39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime
    Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.

    40. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet,
    tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and
    tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and
    fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.

    41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm
    coming for you, Moby!". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head.
    Walk out a pegleg.

    42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain,
    light them on fire. Then they'll pay.

    43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy-farm. If anyone complains
    about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful
    for a wholesome, pasturized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call
    them ingrates.

    44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh everytime someone gets
    a shock. Call them glowworms.

    45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself everytime you
    bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor
    shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.

  10. #1160
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    A Grad Students Schedule
    A Grad Student's Schedule


    6:30am Wakeup and lie awake in bed
    6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out
    for the next 6 weeks
    6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
    7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit
    the snooze button--you turned it off.
    7:01 fall asleep again
    7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again
    7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch
    at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).
    8:03 Arrive at school
    Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today must have
    got more work done
    8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is
    coming in today. He is, darn.
    Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon.
    8:15 Read electronic mail
    8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about
    the class. Hate your TA job.
    Depression: too much work to do today
    9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
    9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask
    for your money back. Wonder why they would believe you.
    9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to
    your work.
    9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
    Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate.
    9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend.
    Feel good about him not grasping English well.
    9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around
    the world (using the "finger" command, of course)
    10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
    10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
    10:43 edit .plan file, write a shell program to edit .plan more easily
    10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you dont need
    & and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project.
    11:05 perverted daydreams
    11:11 read electronic news
    mid-morning yawn time
    11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you are
    working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.
    11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all the
    garbage you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more
    than 256 characters per half minute
    11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department
    11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation
    11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last
    presentation
    11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost
    11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company
    12:15 Hunger pangs
    12:20 BigMac/Fries time
    Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk.
    Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
    1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
    1:14 sudden awareness of one's shallowness
    resentment towards foriegn officemate for sucking up to your
    advisor
    Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work
    for your literature survey.
    1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections
    1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
    1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/
    graduation possiblity/graduation date/all job opportunities/
    and the rest of your life.
    1:52:53 Thank him
    1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.
    1:53:00 splitting headache #1
    1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do
    that
    2:06 More generic cola
    2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
    2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through
    2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree
    program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
    2:48 More perverted day-dreams.
    Close the office door and open a few .gif files.
    sharpen pencil
    3:06 worry about never graduating
    time to write a letter--NOT! no time for that.
    rearrange desk
    call up bank; see if you have any money
    fear of losing aid next Fall
    Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format
    3:43 watch the clock
    make plans to do a all-nighter tonite
    Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
    4:58 Notice Advisor leave
    4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom
    Go home for quick, short dinner break.
    9:00pm Come into the office
    9:01 The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office
    late at night to "get the work done"
    9:03 Check electronic mail
    Decide it would be a good time to attack those ftp sites since
    network wont be loaded
    Run into "since network wont be loaded" traffic and get the
    pictures into your machine.
    Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space.
    Back up all your pictures
    10:11 Admire pictures
    Begin work; Realize you need references
    Realize its too late today to go to the library
    Sudden feeling of having wasted the day
    10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night
    Decide to turn in early and come back very early tommorrow morning
    Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good
    mood.
    11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the
    scoreboard.
    Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two notches
    above you on the scoreboard.
    12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place.
    A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not wasted!!
    Return home to find your roommate watching David Letterman reruns
    on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad student day you
    had."
    Discuss philosophy with roommate
    1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others
    (The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke)
    Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese cars and
    whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to defrost
    the windshields faster.
    1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today
    Get reminded of the "too much milk problem"
    2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to
    sleep.

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