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Thread: Jokes.

  1. #1161
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    A Psychology Course

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
    her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

    After a few seconds, Dave stood up.

    The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Dave?"

    "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

  2. #1162
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Aspiring Psychiatrists

    The from various colleges were attending their first
    class on emotional extremes.

    "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student
    from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

    "Sadness," said the student.

    "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rice.

    "Elation," said she.

    "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "How about the
    opposite of woe?"

    The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

  3. #1163
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    College Habits To Bring Home

    1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

    2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

    3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

    4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

    5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.

    6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

    7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.

    8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.

    9. Yell "FLUSH!"

    10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

    11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.

    12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.

    13. Get dressed in the dark.

    14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.

    15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

    16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

    17. Order pizza every Friday night.

    18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a
    room by yourself.

    19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too
    much extra space.

    20. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go

    21. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail

    22. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay
    phone in the house.

  4. #1164
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    I believe there is a strong link between an individual's answering machine
    message and his personality. To test this theory, I called the machines of
    several celebrities. Here is what I heard:

    CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep
    answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away.
    You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six.
    Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?"

    BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be
    an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like
    to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever
    your answer is, please be wise, be good to us."

    LARRY FLYNT: "&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your
    @%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound
    of the &*@#% beep!"

    JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any
    lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If
    you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you

    HOWARD COSELL: "I may have cast off my mortal coil in overtime but my
    answering machine lives on with its inimitable running commentary. Anyway,
    the big question facing us at the sound of the tone will be whether you
    will leave a communicatory message of sufficient excitation to arouse the
    auditory interest of your many fans or will you stoop once again to your
    usual evasive obfuscation. We anxiously await what will be an indubitably
    momentous decision."

    G. GORDON LIDDY: "You better leave your name and number at the sound of the
    tone or I'll break your legs and hold your hand over a flame. In any event,
    I've tapped your phone line so I already know what you've said."

    MR. T: "HEY FOOL! Yeah, I'm talking to you! I really pity you if you don't
    leave a message at the sound of the tone. And if you give me any back talk,
    I'm gonna whomp you upside your head so bad you won't ever feel like talking
    again! All you'll feel is pain! YOU HEAR ME? PAIN!"

    WOODY ALLEN: "Please leave a psychologically soothing message at the sound
    of the tone because I can't handle any more hostility. My analyst's bills
    are high enough already. I just lost one girlfriend because of answering
    machines. We kept calling each other, but our prerecorded messages were

    THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: "Please leave your message on the
    machine formerly known as 'answering' at the sound of the tone formerly
    known as 'BEEP!'"

  5. #1165
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Groucho Marx Quotes

    ================================================== ======================

    All these have been collected from the Net.
    The authenticity and exactitude of each quote is not guaranteed.
    Sources are not known except where given.

    ( Ascii picture illustrations have been removed in this version for
    alt.quotations and rec.humor but the illustrated version is posted
    to alt.ascii- art and alt.comedy.mark-bros, for those who like the
    ASCII illustrations. )

    ================================================== ======================

    | o | ___________________ | o |
    | o |/ | o |
    | o | The | o |
    | o | | o |
    | o | Groucho Marx | o |
    | o | | o |
    | o | Fan Club | o |
    | o |___________________/| o |
    | o | ___________________ | o |
    | o |/ | o | -cfbd-
    | o | | o |
    | o | | o |
    | o | 12-4-97 | o |
    | o | | o |

    " I sent the club a wire stating, ^please accept my resignation. I
    don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member^.
    _Groucho and Me_ (1959) ch. 26

    " Hello. I must be going." -- Groucho Marx

    " Blood's not thicker than money. "

    - Groucho Marx ( Double Dynamite )

    " Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "

    - Groucho Marx ( A Day at the Races ).

    " Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is
    probably more than she ever did. "

    - Groucho Marx ( Duck Soup ).

    " I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. "

    - Groucho Marx

    "Room service? Send up a larger room"

    - Groucho Marx

    "A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

    - Groucho Marx

    "Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna."

    - Groucho Marx

    " I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

    - Groucho Marx

    " Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend;
    inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. "

    - Groucho Marx

    " I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it
    on I go into another room and read a good book. "
    -- Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx (1895-1977)

    " From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
    convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
    -- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

    " Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here!
    You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"
    -- Groucho marx

    When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
    just whispering in her mouth".

    " Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second
    question first." -- Groucho Marx

    " Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an
    institution? "
    - Groucho Marx

    "Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
    -- Groucho Marx

    "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
    mouth shut and his checkbook open." - Groucho Marx

    Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    - Groucho Marx

    "Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
    -- Groucho Marx

    "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
    - Groucho Marx

    " Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds
    me more of you than you do!" - Groucho Marx

    " Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." -- Groucho Marx

    "She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."
    -- Groucho Marx

    " You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well,
    we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in
    the garage all night.." -- Groucho Marx

    " Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to
    your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any
    difference." -- Groucho Marx

    "She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
    -- Groucho Marx

    Groucho: "What do you call a lady with a broken leg?"
    "What do you call an Oriental lady with a broken leg?"

    " I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought
    I'll dance with the cows till you come home. " -- Groucho Marx

    " I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's
    good enough for him is good enough for me." -- Groucho Marx

    " I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself." -- Groucho Marx

    (To a steamship captain:) "If you were a man, you'd go into business
    for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
    canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
    that's your idea of a good time." -- Groucho Marx

    "We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't
    developed. We're going back next year."
    -- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers )

    "Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
    -- Groucho Marx

    "How do you feel about women's rights ? "
    " I like either side of them."
    -- Groucho Marx

    " Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! "
    -- Groucho Marx

    " I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
    exception. "
    - Groucho Marx

    "Can I buy back my introduction to you?" -- Groucho Marx



    Interviewing Jane Powell from "You Bet Your Life"

    GM: How old are you?
    JP: 19
    GM: You call that old...Why don't you step closer to the microphone
    so that the announcer can hear you...On second thoughts just
    step closer to the announcer.
    JP: Well, which is which?
    GM: The microphone is more hose in the head.

  6. #1166
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Rodney Dangerfield's "I Get No Respect" Quotes

    "Good crowd... good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm
    ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family
    tree and found out I was the sap."

    "I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought
    for the west!"

    "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing

    "When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
    father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled

    "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

    "My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a

    "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

    "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

    "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a

    "Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every

    "What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

    "I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

    "One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."

    "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger
    to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

    "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
    electric chair."

    "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

    "I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

    "Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
    parents. I said to him... Do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I
    don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

    "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth
    floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said... On your

    "On Halloween... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last
    year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different... when I
    answer the door the kids hand me candy."

    "When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a picture of me."

    "I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up
    and a blind man was reading my face."

    "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

    "One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt
    up my wife!"

    "It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips... yet she
    won't drink from my glass!"

    "Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

    "For two hours... some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper."

    "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

    "This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom
    guys laughing at me."

    "A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from
    New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him... how
    am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?... He told me... That is why we
    give you 21 days.

    "Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii... No days...
    just nights."

    "My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."

    "My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog's bed...
    Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch
    herself laugh."

    "I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

    "My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as
    she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said... did you see the
    guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."

    "I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said... Why should
    I... you never put out for me."

    "I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude... but I
    didn't see the mouse trap."

    "A girl phoned me and said... Come on over there's nobody home. I went
    over... Nobody was home!"

    "I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."

    "If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."

    "My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits."

    "I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

    "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

    "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra."

    "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back
    saying... Caution Wide Load."

    "My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

    "One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't
    ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

    "I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed

    "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she
    had her."

    "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a

    "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to
    find that it was the hair on her legs."

    "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won
    first prize."

    "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons to cure sex

    "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire
    State building and planes started to attack her."

    "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in
    a hatchet fight!"

    "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like
    hers it had a hook on the end of it."

    "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint

    "I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The
    bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said... surprise me. He showed
    me a naked picture of my wife."

    "During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she
    called me from a hotel."

    "My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah... my wife just broke up with her

    "One day... as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
    said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for? He said...
    Because you came home early."

    "I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!"

    "Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her... The best woman a man ever
    had... The waiter joined me."

    "It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a
    button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm
    afraid to go to the bathroom!"

  7. #1167
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Suggested Epitaphs For Current Celebrities

    Excerpted from Ed Weiner's upcoming book, "DEATH ... Is Just God's Way of
    Letting You Know She Didn't Find You All That Amusing"
    See also:

    Bill Clinton: "Not Inhaling"

    Rush Limbaugh: "Nothing Left"

    "Here Lied Richard Nixon"

    Saddam Hussein: "Beneath Iraq and a Kurd Place"

    Jay Leno: "Chin Up"

    Ralph Nader: "Recalled"

    Woody Allen: "Mia Culpa"

    Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel: "Four Thumbs Down"

    Prince Charles: "Never Say Di"

    Princess Diana: "Chucked It All"

    McCauley Culkin: "Home Alone"

    Oscar Mayer: "Home Balone"

    Madonna: "Not Home Alone -- Ever ... and Not Wearing Underwear, Either.
    Does That Shock You? Wanna See Me Vogue? I Was a Singer, a Dancer, an
    Actress, a Phenomenon, and I Can See You Peeking At My Breasts, But That's
    Okay, Because ..."

    Alan Dershowitz: "Appeal Denied"

    Patty Hearst: "Tanya Tuckered"

    David Lynch: "Rest in Peaks"

    Catwoman: "Using Her Box"

    Haagen-Dazs: "Forever In Our Hearts"

    DeForest Kelley: "Bones"

    George Lucas: "F/X Marks the Spot"

    Joseph Heller: "Something Happened"

    Jack Nicholson: "One Easy Peace"

    Geraldo Rivera: "Finally, the Right Vault"

    Hugh Hefner: "Death, Be Not Prude"

    Paul Newman: "The Color of Mummy"

  8. #1168
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    The Wisdom Of Supermodels

    "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my
    God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
    -- Cindy Crawford

    "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my
    -- Carole Mallory

    "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
    -- Beverly Johnson

    "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
    -- Christie Brinkley

    "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to
    get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low
    -- Tatjana Patitz

    "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular
    about the acting roles I take."
    -- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

    "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
    -- Paulina Porizkova

    "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
    -- Kim Alexis

    "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night.
    We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
    -- Jerry Hall

    "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
    -- Tyra Banks

    "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help
    -- Cindy Crawford

    "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen
    anything. I don't really care."
    -- Tyra Banks

    "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball
    and modeling."
    -- Gabrielle Reece

    "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
    -- Christie Brinkley

    "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if
    she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
    -- Beverly Johnson

    "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
    throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
    -- Cheryl Tiegs

    "I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to
    meet yourself -- it's eerie."
    -- Christy Turlington

    "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I
    know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are
    -- Fabio

    "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
    -- Tatjana Patitz

    "I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
    -- Claudia Schiffer

    "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on thick
    tights underneath."
    -- Naomi Campbell

    "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
    -- Carol Alt

    "We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as
    royalty. We happen to be working people."
    -- Christie Brinkley

    "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little
    scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all
    over them."
    -- Cindy Crawford

    "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
    -- Linda Evangelista

    "When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
    -- Paulina Porizkova

    "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it
    shouldn't be too big for me."
    -- Christy Turlington

    "I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I
    feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
    -- Tyra Banks

    "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
    -- Christy Turlington

    "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
    -- Linda Evangelista

    "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to,
    and I would."
    -- Kate Moss

    "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
    -- Linda Evangelista

    "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached
    a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was
    a big loss."
    -- Veronica Webb

    "Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser
    to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
    -- Tasha

    "I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
    -- Cameron Diaz

  9. #1169
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Things People Havent Said
    Things People Haven't Said

    Hillary Clinton: I can't do that! It's illegal!

    Pamela Lee: My, I have pretty feet! So, I like, get to wear clothes in
    this movie?

    Ted Kennedy: Shouldn't we wait until your 18? No thanks. I think I've had
    enough to drink.

    Bob Dole: I (singular) want to run for president.

    Pauly Shore: I can't do that role. It's degrading to my acting talent.

    The Spice Girls: So, what key is this song in?

    Michael Jackson: Wow! That woman's hot!

    Louis Fahrakan: Well, maybe somethings are my fault.

    The Democratic National Committee: So, where did this money come from?

  10. #1170
    Join Date
    Sep 2002


    Those Smart Playmates Of The Year
    Those Smart "Playmates Of The Year"

    Howard Stern hosted Julie Cialini ('95 Playmate of the Year) and Stacy
    Sanches ('96 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of sordid joviality. The
    ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered ten questions
    from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for them *as role
    models* for young women to stay up on current affairs. The ladies' answers
    were amusing (and a bit sad), but the bit did prove that you don't have to
    be a neurosurgeon to earn a pile of cash! Love him or hate him, you have to
    appreciate Howard's sense of the absurd.

    Q: Who is the President of Russia?
    Julie: Gorbachev
    Stacy: Gretzky
    (correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)

    Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
    Julie: Something, something, for Certified Pianists.
    Stacy: It's some kind of police organization.
    (correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored

    Q: Who was the inventor of the light bulb?
    Julie: I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the light
    bulb guy.
    Stacy: I don't know.
    (correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the
    phone guy!)

    Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
    Julie: Gore something-or-other.
    Stacy: Bill Clinton.
    (correct answer: Newt Gingrich. For the benefit of international
    members of the market, Al Gore is the U.S. Vice President, Bill
    Clinton is our president.)

    Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
    Julie: I don't know.
    Stacy: Certified Investigation Association.
    (correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)

    Q: What is the center of our solar system?
    Julie: The Equator
    Stacy: The Moon
    (correct answer: The Sun)

    Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to
    what he termed "industry related" questions:

    Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
    A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan"

    Q: What is "Cristal?"
    A: both knew it was an elite champagne

    Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
    A: both knew it was Porsche

    Q: Whose face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
    A: both knew it was Ben Franklin

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