Jokes.

[meihui]

A Psychology Course



A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Dave stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Dave?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[meihui]

Aspiring Psychiatrists



The from various colleges were attending their first
class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student
from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "How about the
opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

[meihui]

College Habits To Bring Home



1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.

6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.

8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.

9. Yell "FLUSH!"

10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.

12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.

13. Get dressed in the dark.

14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.

15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

17. Order pizza every Friday night.

18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a
room by yourself.

19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too
much extra space.

20. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go
out.

21. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
withdrawal).

22. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay
phone in the house.

[DaoWay]

I believe there is a strong link between an individual's answering machine
message and his personality. To test this theory, I called the machines of
several celebrities. Here is what I heard:

CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep
answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away.
You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six.
Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?"

BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be
an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like
to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever
your answer is, please be wise, be good to us."

LARRY FLYNT: "&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your
@%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound
of the &*@#% beep!"

JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any
lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If
you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you
STUPID IDIOT!!!"

HOWARD COSELL: "I may have cast off my mortal coil in overtime but my
answering machine lives on with its inimitable running commentary. Anyway,
the big question facing us at the sound of the tone will be whether you
will leave a communicatory message of sufficient excitation to arouse the
auditory interest of your many fans or will you stoop once again to your
usual evasive obfuscation. We anxiously await what will be an indubitably
momentous decision."

G. GORDON LIDDY: "You better leave your name and number at the sound of the
tone or I'll break your legs and hold your hand over a flame. In any event,
I've tapped your phone line so I already know what you've said."

MR. T: "HEY FOOL! Yeah, I'm talking to you! I really pity you if you don't
leave a message at the sound of the tone. And if you give me any back talk,
I'm gonna whomp you upside your head so bad you won't ever feel like talking
again! All you'll feel is pain! YOU HEAR ME? PAIN!"

WOODY ALLEN: "Please leave a psychologically soothing message at the sound
of the tone because I can't handle any more hostility. My analyst's bills
are high enough already. I just lost one girlfriend because of answering
machines. We kept calling each other, but our prerecorded messages were
incompatible."

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: "Please leave your message on the
machine formerly known as 'answering' at the sound of the tone formerly
known as 'BEEP!'"

[DaoWay]

Groucho Marx Quotes



================================================== ======================

Disclaimer:
All these have been collected from the Net.
The authenticity and exactitude of each quote is not guaranteed.
Sources are not known except where given.

( Ascii picture illustrations have been removed in this version for
alt.quotations and rec.humor but the illustrated version is posted
to alt.ascii- art and alt.comedy.mark-bros, for those who like the
ASCII illustrations. )

================================================== ======================


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| o | The | o |
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| o | Groucho Marx | o |
| o | | o |
| o | Fan Club | o |
| o |___________________/| o |
| o | ___________________ | o |
| o |/ | o | -cfbd-
| o | | o |
| o | | o |
| o | 12-4-97 | o |
| o | | o |




" I sent the club a wire stating, ^please accept my resignation. I
don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member^.
_Groucho and Me_ (1959) ch. 26


" Hello. I must be going." -- Groucho Marx


" Blood's not thicker than money. "

- Groucho Marx ( Double Dynamite )


" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "

- Groucho Marx ( A Day at the Races ).


" Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is
probably more than she ever did. "

- Groucho Marx ( Duck Soup ).


" I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. "

- Groucho Marx


"Room service? Send up a larger room"

- Groucho Marx


"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

- Groucho Marx

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna."

- Groucho Marx

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

- Groucho Marx

" Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend;
inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. "

- Groucho Marx


" I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it
on I go into another room and read a good book. "
-- Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx (1895-1977)


" From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
-- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977


" Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here!
You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"
-- Groucho marx


When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
just whispering in her mouth".


" Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second
question first." -- Groucho Marx


" Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an
institution? "
- Groucho Marx


"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
-- Groucho Marx


"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
mouth shut and his checkbook open." - Groucho Marx


Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx


"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
-- Groucho Marx


"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx


" Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds
me more of you than you do!" - Groucho Marx


" Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." -- Groucho Marx


"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."
-- Groucho Marx


" You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well,
we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in
the garage all night.." -- Groucho Marx


" Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to
your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any
difference." -- Groucho Marx


"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
-- Groucho Marx


Groucho: "What do you call a lady with a broken leg?"
"Eileen"
"What do you call an Oriental lady with a broken leg?"
"Irene"


" I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought
I'll dance with the cows till you come home. " -- Groucho Marx


" I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's
good enough for him is good enough for me." -- Groucho Marx


" I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself." -- Groucho Marx


(To a steamship captain:) "If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time." -- Groucho Marx


"We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't
developed. We're going back next year."
-- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers )


"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
-- Groucho Marx


"How do you feel about women's rights ? "
" I like either side of them."
-- Groucho Marx


" Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! "
-- Groucho Marx

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception. "
- Groucho Marx


"Can I buy back my introduction to you?" -- Groucho Marx


----------------------------------------------------------------------


From THE BIG SHOW

Interviewing Jane Powell from "You Bet Your Life"

GM: How old are you?
JP: 19
GM: You call that old...Why don't you step closer to the microphone
so that the announcer can hear you...On second thoughts just
step closer to the announcer.
JP: Well, which is which?
GM: The microphone is more hose in the head.

[DaoWay]

Rodney Dangerfield's "I Get No Respect" Quotes


"Good crowd... good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm
ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family
tree and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought
for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing
pens."

"When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled
through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio."

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every
room."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
electric chair."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

"Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him... Do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I
don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth
floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said... On your
mark..."

"On Halloween... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last
year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different... when I
answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a picture of me."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up
and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt
up my wife!"

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips... yet she
won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"For two hours... some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper."

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom
guys laughing at me."

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from
New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him... how
am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?... He told me... That is why we
give you 21 days.

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii... No days...
just nights."

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."

"My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog's bed...
Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch
herself laugh."

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as
she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said... did you see the
guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."

"I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said... Why should
I... you never put out for me."

"I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude... but I
didn't see the mouse trap."

"A girl phoned me and said... Come on over there's nobody home. I went
over... Nobody was home!"

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."

"My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back
saying... Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't
ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed
sheets."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she
had her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a
toilet."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to
find that it was the hair on her legs."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won
first prize."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons to cure sex
offenders."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire
State building and planes started to attack her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in
a hatchet fight!"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like
hers it had a hook on the end of it."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint
bernard!"

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The
bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said... surprise me. He showed
me a naked picture of my wife."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she
called me from a hotel."

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah... my wife just broke up with her
boyfriend."

"One day... as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for? He said...
Because you came home early."

"I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!"

"Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her... The best woman a man ever
had... The waiter joined me."

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom!"

[DaoWay]

Suggested Epitaphs For Current Celebrities



Excerpted from Ed Weiner's upcoming book, "DEATH ... Is Just God's Way of
Letting You Know She Didn't Find You All That Amusing"
See also: http://www.voicenet.com/~macguy/

Bill Clinton: "Not Inhaling"

Rush Limbaugh: "Nothing Left"

"Here Lied Richard Nixon"

Saddam Hussein: "Beneath Iraq and a Kurd Place"

Jay Leno: "Chin Up"

Ralph Nader: "Recalled"

Woody Allen: "Mia Culpa"

Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel: "Four Thumbs Down"

Prince Charles: "Never Say Di"

Princess Diana: "Chucked It All"

McCauley Culkin: "Home Alone"

Oscar Mayer: "Home Balone"

Madonna: "Not Home Alone -- Ever ... and Not Wearing Underwear, Either.
Does That Shock You? Wanna See Me Vogue? I Was a Singer, a Dancer, an
Actress, a Phenomenon, and I Can See You Peeking At My Breasts, But That's
Okay, Because ..."

Alan Dershowitz: "Appeal Denied"

Patty Hearst: "Tanya Tuckered"

David Lynch: "Rest in Peaks"

Catwoman: "Using Her Box"

Haagen-Dazs: "Forever In Our Hearts"

DeForest Kelley: "Bones"

George Lucas: "F/X Marks the Spot"

Joseph Heller: "Something Happened"

Jack Nicholson: "One Easy Peace"

Geraldo Rivera: "Finally, the Right Vault"

Hugh Hefner: "Death, Be Not Prude"

Paul Newman: "The Color of Mummy"

[DaoWay]

The Wisdom Of Supermodels



ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my
God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my
cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory

ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson

ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON PSYCHOLOGY
"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to
get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low
self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz

ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular
about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis

ON GEOPOLITICS
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night.
We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall

ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks

ON DEATH
"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help
it."
-- Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen
anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball
and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if
she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to
meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington

ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I
know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are
nearby."
-- Fabio

ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
"I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer

ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on thick
tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-- Carol Alt

ON THE CASTE SYSTEM
"We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as
royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little
scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all
over them."
-- Cindy Crawford

ON ECONOMICS
"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON THINKING
"When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-- Paulina Porizkova

ON LOGIC
"I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it
shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington

ON BODY PARTS
"I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I
feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks

ON BODY LANGUAGE
"You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
-- Christy Turlington

ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to,
and I would."
-- Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
"When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached
a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was
a big loss."
-- Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE
"Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser
to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha

ON SELF-ESTEEM
"I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
-- Cameron Diaz

[DaoWay]

Things People Havent Said
Things People Haven't Said


Hillary Clinton: I can't do that! It's illegal!

Pamela Lee: My, I have pretty feet! So, I like, get to wear clothes in
this movie?

Ted Kennedy: Shouldn't we wait until your 18? No thanks. I think I've had
enough to drink.

Bob Dole: I (singular) want to run for president.

Pauly Shore: I can't do that role. It's degrading to my acting talent.

The Spice Girls: So, what key is this song in?

Michael Jackson: Wow! That woman's hot!

Louis Fahrakan: Well, maybe somethings are my fault.

The Democratic National Committee: So, where did this money come from?

[DaoWay]

Those Smart Playmates Of The Year
Those Smart "Playmates Of The Year"


Howard Stern hosted Julie Cialini ('95 Playmate of the Year) and Stacy
Sanches ('96 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of sordid joviality. The
ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered ten questions
from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for them *as role
models* for young women to stay up on current affairs. The ladies' answers
were amusing (and a bit sad), but the bit did prove that you don't have to
be a neurosurgeon to earn a pile of cash! Love him or hate him, you have to
appreciate Howard's sense of the absurd.

Q: Who is the President of Russia?
Julie: Gorbachev
Stacy: Gretzky
(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)

Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Julie: Something, something, for Certified Pianists.
Stacy: It's some kind of police organization.
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored
People)

Q: Who was the inventor of the light bulb?
Julie: I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the light
bulb guy.
Stacy: I don't know.
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the
phone guy!)

Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Julie: Gore something-or-other.
Stacy: Bill Clinton.
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich. For the benefit of international
members of the market, Al Gore is the U.S. Vice President, Bill
Clinton is our president.)

Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Julie: I don't know.
Stacy: Certified Investigation Association.
(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)

Q: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie: The Equator
Stacy: The Moon
(correct answer: The Sun)

Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to
what he termed "industry related" questions:

Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan"

Q: What is "Cristal?"
A: both knew it was an elite champagne

Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
A: both knew it was Porsche

Q: Whose face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
A: both knew it was Ben Franklin