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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1171
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    Sep 2002
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    Worth Saying



    The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
    you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

    Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
    - Red Buttons

    I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in
    California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.
    - Sheckly Greene

    A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
    but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen

    A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
    are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
    - Ronnie Corbett

    They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your
    car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put
    a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday

    I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
    "I wanna know your name!" - Mike Binder

    Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
    get money from it. - Stephen Lea****

    I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
    eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

    Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
    when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
    - Steve Bluestone

    Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service
    called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner

    Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
    anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin

    You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
    day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
    is. - Ellen DeGeneres

    I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer

    I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
    my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

    The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
    dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

    A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in
    business. - Shelley Berman

    Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
    Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it
    back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

    I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
    - Dave Edison

    If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
    - Calvin Trillin

    Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's
    like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise

    I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
    They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

    I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
    girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno

    Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
    robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

    Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
    -Will Rogers

    Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder

    If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
    candlelight. - George Gobel

    To do is to be. -Descartes
    To be is to do. -Voltaire
    Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra

    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

    "If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg

  2. #1172
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    Sep 2002
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    A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients



    1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
    Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
    valuable scientific objectivity.

    2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
    Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
    gentleness and reassurance he can get.

    3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
    Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

    4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
    You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the
    true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
    disability you may have experienced.

    5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
    It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
    explained in terms that you would understand.

    6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
    Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research
    paper will surely be of widespread interest.

    7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
    You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to
    the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

    8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
    It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

    9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE
    COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
    The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have
    sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

    10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
    This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

  3. #1173
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    Sep 2002
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    A Penny-Pinching Mortician



    Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the
    mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at
    the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the
    circumstances.

    His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his
    interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be
    wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the
    black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less
    expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie had
    always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a
    blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued
    outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it
    costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy
    for the ceremony."

    The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found
    her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
    suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm
    very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much
    did you spend?"

    To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check,
    indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I
    must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

    The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost
    nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
    brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue
    suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an
    attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as
    he looked nice...

    So I switched the heads."

  4. #1174
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    Sep 2002
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    Alzheimers Disease
    Alzheimer's Disease


    The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

    The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

    "You have Alzheimer's disease."

    "Good heavens! What's the good news?"

    "You can go home and forget about it!"

  5. #1175
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    Sep 2002
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    The Dutch Uncle

    A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

    He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

    The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

    The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

    The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

    The brother replied, "Denephew."

  6. #1176
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    Sep 2002
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    The Duck & Grapes

    A duck walks into a convenient store and walks up the counter. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" "No," said the puzzled store clerk. The duck smiles and walks out the door. A little while later the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" The clerk replies, "No! Like I already told you 15 minutes ago, I don't have any grapes!" The duck smiles and walks out. A little while later the duck returns and again asks "Got any grapes?" The irate clerk yells, "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any, and were not going to have any. If you come back in here again I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck smiles and walks out. Later the duck returns and asks the clerk "Got any nails?" The clerk says "NO!" The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?"

  7. #1177
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    Sep 2002
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    The BlueJay

    A BlueJay applied for the receptionists job at the new AT&T headquarters. The interviewer, a bit non-plussed, told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to type at least 80 words per minute. The Jay demonstrated a 100 wpm talent! Not wanting to hire a BIRD for the job, the interviewer told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to take dictation. The Jay surpassed all other candidates. Finally the interviewer thought he'd be able to get rid of the Jay with "the candidate must be bilingual!" The Jay replied "Meow!!"

  8. #1178
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    Sep 2002
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    I understand that a crow has one less pinion feather than a raven.
    Therefore how do you tell a crow from a raven? It's a matter of opinion.

    I duck walks into a drug store and buys a chapstick.
    The clerk sez, "Will that be cash or charge?"
    The duck sez, "Just put it on my bill!"

    Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown.
    The first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    Why do hummingbirds hum?
    Because they don't know the words.

    Why did the gum cross the road?
    It was stuck to the chickens foot.

    I took my bird to the vet because he was sick.
    The vet said I have bad news and good news.
    The bird has chirpees,the good news is that it is tweetable!

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To prove to the Opossum that it could be done!

    What does a 1,000 lb. canary say?
    Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

    What did the bird say as it was flying over K-Mart?
    "Cheap - cheap - cheap"

    What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower?
    Shredded Tweet!

    How do you get down off an elephant?
    You don't! You get down off a duck.

    Why did the duck cross the road?
    Waddle you want to know!

    Did you ever notice that when ducks migrate in their Vee formation, one side of the line is longer than the other?
    Know why that is?
    There's more ducks in it.

    Why did the road runner cross the road?
    Because the coyote was chasing it

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Because he didn't like the side that he was on!

    Do you know the difference between unlawful and illegal?
    Unlawful means something is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.

    How does a chicken mail a letter?
    In a HEN-velope!

    What is gray?
    A melted penguin.

    Why do birds fly south?
    Because it is to far to walk!

    What is a bird after he is five days old?
    Six days old!

    Why does a stork stand on one leg?
    Because if he took the other leg off the ground he would fall on the ground!

    What does a 5lb duck say??
    quawquaw
    What does a 10lb duck say??
    QUAWQUAW!!!! QUAWQUAW!!!!

    Why did the bird make it's nest on top of a car?
    She knew they'd be moving!

    How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
    I'll tell you tomorrow!

    What do you call a big swallow?
    A gulp!
    What do you call a small swallow?
    A sip!

    Why does a chicken coop have only 2 doors?
    If it had 4 it would be a sedan...

    What did the woodpecker say when it ran into a bar?
    Ouch!

    What is black and white and red all over?
    A penguin with sunburn.

    Why did the punk-rocker cross the road?
    He had a chicken stapled to his head.

    Why did it take the elephant so long to cross the road?
    Because the chicken had trouble carrying him.

  9. #1179
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    Sep 2002
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    All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From My Cat

    Curiosty never killed anything, except maybe a few hours.
    Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day annoy them!
    Climb your way to the top! That's why the drapes are there!
    If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over some very expensive antique lamps.
    When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or thirty times
    When in doubt, cop an attitude.
    Make your mark on the world, or at least spray in each corner!
    Find your place in the sun, especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry.
    Always give generously - a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them "I care."
    When you go out in the world, remember: That being placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege!

  10. #1180
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    Sep 2002
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    Faster Than A Speeding Nun

    A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

    Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

    Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

    Cop: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

    Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

    At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

    Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

    Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

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