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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1181
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    RULES OF THE LAND!

    1. The FEMALE always makes the Rules.

    2. The Rules are subject to change at ANY time without prior notification.

    3. No MALE can possibly know all the Rules.

    4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of the Rules

    5. The FEMALE is NEVER wrong.

    6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

    7. If Rule 6 applies, the MALE must APOLOGIZE immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

    8.The FEMALE can change her mind at any point in time.

    9. The MALE must NEVER change his mind without written consent from the FEMALE

    10.The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

    11.The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.

    12.The FEMALE must under NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

    13.Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily harm.

    14.If the FEMALE has PMS all "Rules" are null and void

  2. #1182
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    Sep 2002
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    The Van Gogh Family Tree

    His obnoxious brother.........................................Pl ease Gogh
    His dizzy aunt.............................................. .......Verti Gogh
    The brother who ate prunes................................Gotta Gogh
    The brother who worked at a convenience store....Stopn Gogh
    The grandfather from Yugoslavia..........................U Gogh
    The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
    The cousin from Illinois.......................................Chi ca Gogh
    His magician uncle............................................. Wherediddy Gogh
    His Mexican cousin............................................ .Amee Gogh
    The Mexican cousin's American half brother.......Grin Gogh
    The nephew who drove a stage coach...............Wellsfar Gogh
    The constipated uncle..........................................Can t Gogh
    The ballroom dancing aunt...................................Tan Gogh
    The bird lover uncle............................................F lamin Gogh
    The fruit loving cousin........................................Man Gogh
    An aunt who taught positive thinking....................Wayto Gogh
    The little bouncy nephew....................................Poe Gogh
    A sister who loved disco....................................Go Gogh
    His niece who travels the country in a van.......Winnie Bay Gogh
    The cousin who lived in Mexico ..................Amee Gogh
    Another cousin who lived in Mexico ..............Grin Gogh
    Nephew that drove a stage coach..................Wells Far Gogh
    Uncle who was constipated....................... Cant Gogh
    One of the Beatles......................................Ring Gogh
    His twin that was full of himself ..................... E. Gogh
    His second self ....................................... Alter E. Gogh
    The uncle who was addicted to gambling ................ Bing Gogh
    The cousin who was a Spanish American drum player ..... Pepe BonGogh
    Tycoon uncle who made it big in the freight business .. Car Gogh

  3. #1183
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    Sep 2002
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    Farmer Joe

    Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

    Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

    "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

    Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

    Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

    Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

  4. #1184
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    In a long line of people waiting for a bank
    teller, one guy suddenly started massaging
    the back of the person in front of him.
    Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled,
    "Just what the hell are you doing?"

    "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor
    and I could see that you were tense, so I had to
    massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
    practicing my art!"

    "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
    the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see
    me screwing the guy in front of me?"

  5. #1185
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    An attractive female police officer pulled over a man for DUI. After
    getting him safely out of the car and testing his sobriety, she said,
    "Sir, I am placing you under arrest. Anything you say can and will be
    held against you."

    The drunk looked at her for a moment and said..............

    "T i t s "

  6. #1186
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    An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are
    discussing the possible merits of a mistress.

    The artist tells of the passion, the thrill, which
    comes with the risk of being discovered.

    The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead
    to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too
    many problems.

    The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing
    that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm
    with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with
    my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

  7. #1187
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    I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came
    into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
    Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran
    for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so
    well that I had copies made and included one with each
    of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called
    about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
    suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I
    stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that
    in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in
    the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!

  8. #1188
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    A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one
    drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal
    attention and much advice, but his performance
    simply didn't improve.

    Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,
    "When a musician just can't handle his instrument
    and doesn't improve when given help, they take
    away the instrument, give him two sticks, and
    make him a drummer."

    A stage whisper was heard from the percussion
    section, "And if he can't handle even that, they
    take away one of his sticks and make him a
    conductor."

  9. #1189
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    A little boy was sent to a Catholic school
    by his folks. Of course, he had no idea of
    who Jesus, Joseph, or Mary were, and on
    the first day of school, he got punished
    by the teacher for not knowing such basic
    things.

    Hearing upon his story, his mother soothed
    him, and said, "Don't worry son. I'll sew
    the answers to those questions on your collar,
    and every time your teacher asks you a
    question, all you have to do is to peek at
    your collar."

    And so she sewed the answers on her son's
    collar.

    The following day, the teacher came up to
    him, and asked him, "Who is the Holy Virgin?"

    The boy peeked at his collar and replied,
    "Mary."

    The teacher seemed a little bit surprised,
    but continued on. "And who is her husband?"
    After another peek at the collar, he replied,
    "Joseph."

    "Why, very good son," the teacher commented.

    "And for the last one," said the teacher.
    "Who is their son?"

    The boy peeked again at his collar and
    replied confidently, "NIKE!"

  10. #1190
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    A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman
    intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed
    to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so
    she complained to the butcher.
    "Don't worry," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them
    ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

    Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom
    over the public address system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger
    breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

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