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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #111
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    HAHAH nice one KAY!!!
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  2. #112
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    A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.' Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures - 25 cents.' 'Why not,' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, 'This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents.' The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his ***** into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his ***** which now had a button sewed on the tip.

  3. #113
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    This one is better!! You now more?
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  4. #114
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    mmmmmmmmmmmmm..........maybe ;)

  5. #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kay
    mmmmmmmmmmmmm..........maybe ;)
    Tell!!!!!
    My System:
    AMD XP1700+@XP2000
    ECS K7S5a Motherboard
    512 MB PC2700 DDR Ram
    Geforce 2 Pro 64 MB

  6. #116
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    Ok, just one more before bed then.............

    This past New Year's Eve, when a couple of friends and I were enjoying ourselves just before midnight at a local bar, a girl in the bar stood up and announced that it was time to get ready for the celebrations. She told everybody that at the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was rather embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

  7. #117
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    Dave was talking to his buddy, John, about his love life.
    'So, John, how's it going with the ladies?'
    'Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects.'
    'Really?'
    'Yep,' John shook his head, 'Whenever I mention sex, they object.'

  8. #118
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    A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
    'Listen,' says the Doc, 'I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.
    Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.'
    Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. 'Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!'
    'Well,' says the physician, 'I'm glad I could help.'
    'By the way, Doc,' the patient adds, 'You have a really nice house.'

  9. #119
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    Translations
    'I'M GOING FISHING'
    Translated: 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.'
    'IT'S A GUY THING'
    Translated: 'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical'.
    'CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?'
    Translated: 'Why isn't it already on the table?'
    'UH HUH', 'SURE, HONEY', OR 'YES, DEAR'
    Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
    'IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN'
    Translated: 'I have no idea how it works.'
    'TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD'.
    Translated: 'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.'
    'THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.'
    Translated: 'Are you still talking?'
    'YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.'
    Translated: 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.'
    'I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES'.
    Translated: 'The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.'
    'OH, DON'T FUSS.* I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.'
    Translated: 'I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.'
    'HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING'.
    Translated: 'And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.'
    'I CAN'T FIND IT.'
    Translated: 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.'
    'WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?'
    Translated: 'What did you catch me at?'
    'I HEARD YOU.'
    Translated: 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.'
    'YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.'
    Translated: 'I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse.
    'YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.'
    Translated: 'Oh, Gosh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.'
    'I'M NOT LOST.* I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.'
    Translated: 'No one will ever see us alive again.'

  10. #120
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    An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
    When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
    Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, 'Where are you going?'
    He replied, 'To the kitchen.'
    She asked, 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    He replied, 'Sure.'
    She then asked him, 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
    He said, 'No, I can remember that.'
    She then said, 'Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that.'
    He said, 'I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    She replied, 'Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.'
    With irritation in his voice, he said, 'I don't need to write that down! I can remember that.' He then fumes into the kitchen.
    After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:'I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!'

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