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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1191
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Received from: Anonymous Author
    Readers' Rating: 47.83%

    Total votes: 415



    Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers
    this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students.

    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have
    two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is
    the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few
    years back.

    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
    have a few sessions with my students. It helps them
    get over shyness and experience a little public
    speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed
    entertainment.

    Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in
    pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they
    catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
    boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug
    it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
    very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to
    the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her
    sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

    "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell
    you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made
    him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a
    seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
    He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

    She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
    I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video
    camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

    "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts
    going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her
    back and groans.

    "She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh,
    oh, oh!'" Now the kids' doing this hysterical
    duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.

    "My father called the middle wife. She delivers
    babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like
    the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in
    bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against
    the wall.

    "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she
    kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew
    up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The
    kid with her little hands is miming water flowing
    away. It was too much!

    "Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and
    breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never
    even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes
    my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said
    was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of
    stuff inside there."

    Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
    returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the
    loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I
    bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.

  2. #1192
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    Little Harley kept disrupting his third grade class
    by regularly letting loud farts.
    His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted
    on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour,
    Little Harley said, "I do it because I can do it better than
    anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."
    The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than
    you, will you stop?"

    Little Harley agreed and the teacher placed two pieces
    of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust
    on each one. Harley dropped his pants, squatted down,
    farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the
    paper.

    The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted
    down and farted but when she was done, and there was
    not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.Harley was
    astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
    She was willing and as she repeated the process,
    Harley peeked up underneath her skirt.
    "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've
    got a Double-Barrel!"

  3. #1193
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    At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up
    the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the
    priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than
    anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it
    did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

    Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.

    The priest again questioned him and again he said that
    he did not take any of the offering. So the priest
    said "get in the confessional" which Joe did.

    Then the priest asked him did you take any of the
    offering and this time he said "I can't hear you".

    Again the priest asked "Joe did you take any of the
    offering?"

    Again Joe answered "I can't hear you".

    This time the priest yelled "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF
    THE OFFERING"

    Again Joe answered "I can't hear you".

    By this time the priest was getting a little angry so
    he came out of the confessional and said "Joe trade
    places with me and you can ask me a question."

    So they traded places and Joe asked " I hear that you
    and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"

    To which the priest answered "By Golly you can't hear
    in here"

  4. #1194
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    A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
    On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into
    the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

    The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed
    the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

    "No," replied the trainee.
    "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

    The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to,
    you fool?!"
    "No." replied the CEO indignantly.

    "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

  5. #1195
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    A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink
    when a beautiful female giraffe came in and
    sat down at the end of the bar.

    The mouse looked over at her and ordered her
    a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her
    and ordered her another drink. After a third
    round, the bartender looked up and they were
    leaving the bar together.

    The next day the mouse limped into the bar,
    barely crawled up on the barstool and sat
    there gasping for air. His whiskers were
    bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches
    of hair were falling out. The bartender took
    one look and said, ...."How did it go last
    night?"

    The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex
    I ever had."

    The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

    The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing
    and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

  6. #1196
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    Just heard this from someone here...

    Q: What's the best form of birth control for over 50 year olds?

    A: Nudity
    Cameron "Mr.Tweak" Wilmot
    Managing Director
    Tweak Town Pty Ltd

  7. #1197
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    A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a
    wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case,
    the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his
    appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome
    Moroccan leather wallet.
    The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it
    back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible
    compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, "
    acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
    The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill,
    replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to
    the lawyer with a smile.

  8. #1198
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    Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased
    a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few
    weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his
    work shop.

    That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of
    school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of
    school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they
    beat rhythmically on every trash can they past. Day after day, it
    was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm
    on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty
    just couldn't take it any more.

    The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians.
    As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on
    the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having
    a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express
    themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your
    age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
    you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The
    kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash
    cans.

    After two days, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time
    he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession's really
    putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on,
    I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

    The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and
    continued their afternoon concert. A couple of days later, Sly
    Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down
    the street.

    With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from
    that day forward he said "Look, my Social Security check just
    isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to
    be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay?"

    "What?! Just a crummy quarter?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think
    we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
    quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

  9. #1199
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    After a long night of making love, the young
    guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from
    his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable
    to find it, he asked the girl if she had one
    at hand.

    "There might be some matches in the top drawer,"
    she replied.

    He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
    found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of
    a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the
    guy began to worry.

    "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

    "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

    "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

    "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
    ear.

    "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered
    guy.

    Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
    operation."

  10. #1200
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    A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor
    for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you
    called him a liar?

    "Yes, I did."

    "Did you call him stupid?"

    "Yes."

    "And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac *******?"

    "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

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