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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1201
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    The Ladies Comode!!
    A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

    There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

    Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

    He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

    So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

    "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

    So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

    "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

    When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

    He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

    The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

  2. #1202
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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
    On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
    "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."


    "What?" said the puzzled groom.
    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative;
    he kept telling me how great it was going to be.



    Husband #2 was in software services;
    he was never really sure how it was supposed to function,
    but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.



    Husband #3 was from field services;
    he said everything checked out diagnostically
    but he just couldn't get the system up.



    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though
    he knew he had the order,
    he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.



    Husband #5 was an engineer;
    he understood the basic process but wanted three
    years to research, implement, and design
    a new state-of-the-art method.



    Husband #6 was from finance and administration;
    he thought he knew how, but he wasn't
    sure whether it was his job or not.



    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product,
    he was never sure how to position it.



    Husband #8 was a psychologist;
    all he ever did was talk about it.



    Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
    all he did was look at it.



    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...
    God! I miss him!

    But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

  3. #1203
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    An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
    painting that were on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner
    replied.

    "The good news is that a gentlemen inquired about your work and wondered if
    it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he
    bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful," exclaimed the
    artist, "What could be the bad news?"

    "The gentleman was your doctor."

  4. #1204
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    During one "generation gap" quarrel with his
    parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement,
    adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll
    never find it here at home, so I'm leaving.
    Don't try and stop me!"

    With that he headed toward the door. His father
    rose and followed close behind.

    "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you
    to try and stop me."

    "Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father.
    "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

  5. #1205
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    A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he
    said, "I don't know what to get my wife for
    her birthday. She has everything. Besides,
    she can afford to buy anything she wants so
    I'm stumped."

    His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't
    you make up a certificate saying she can
    have 60 minutes of great s3x any way she
    wants it? She'll probably be thrilled."

    So the fellow did.

    The next day his buddy says, "Well, did
    you take my suggestion?"
    "Yes, I did," replies the fellow.

    "Did she like it?"

    "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed
    me on the forehead, and ran out the door
    yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.'"

  6. #1206
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    There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult
    task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them
    from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't
    speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first
    day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French
    worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep
    farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up
    and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep
    fries'."
    Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and
    indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
    The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening
    they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.
    The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked
    his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said,
    "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there
    weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going
    to have French fries, and he ran like hell!!"

  7. #1207
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    My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before
    school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She
    told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.
    My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding
    nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something
    printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

    That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her
    shirt.

    On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
    And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

  8. #1208
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    A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the
    confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building
    supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

    "What did you take?" his priest asked.

    "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses
    for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

    "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a
    far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

    "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I
    can get the lumber."

  9. #1209
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    A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband
    sighs and says, "I'm disappointed. It was all over in four
    minutes!"

    The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."

  10. #1210
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    Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
    display at the department store.

    "What's it for?" one asked.

    "I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it
    makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."

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