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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1211
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    Another Dumb Blonde

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
    The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

  2. #1212
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    The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He
    called his kids together to ask which one should have the
    present.

    "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to
    mother? Who does everything she says?"

    Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the
    toy."

  3. #1213
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    A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
    fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
    went inside and sat down.

    "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I
    see you are the father of two children."

    "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the
    father of THREE children."

    The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

  4. #1214
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    With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of
    our three energetic youngsters.

    When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone
    watching TV.

    I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow
    hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of
    them had climbed up to the ceiling.

    "The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

    The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me
    climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she
    stammered.

    We kept the same girl for the next two years.

  5. #1215
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    A woman sends her clothes out to a Chinese laundry. When
    they comes back, there are still stains in her panties.
    The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that
    says, "Use more soap on panties."
    This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same
    note to the laundry.
    Finally, fed up, the Chinaman responds with his own note that
    said, "Use more paper on ass!"

  6. #1216
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    A boy gets a phonecall from his girlfriend
    "come over and meet my parents, if all goes well, i think you'll be in for a treat later"
    the boy thinks "alright, finally i get to have sex with her"
    on the way to the parents house he goes to the chemist to get some condoms. The pharmisist is quite nice as he knows the boy is nervous. "how many condoms do you want young man? They come in single, four packs and 12 packs". "oh" says the boys, i'll be wanting heaps, the 12 pack will do me." "nice looker then is she" the pharmisist says. "too right" says the boy, "i plan to do every orofice in her at least twice". Anyway, the boy gets his condoms and rocks up to the house, they all sit down to dinner and the boy volunteers to say grace, he bows his head and starts his prayers, 10 min later his head is still bowed praying. Finally his girlfriend interupts him to say "i didnt know you were this religious", To which he replies "and i didnt know your father was a ****ing pharmisist!"

    :laugh: :laugh:
    Quick!!….Pack your bags!!…

    The Elephants are coming!!…

  7. #1217
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    2 lawyers are stuck on a desert island for 10 years when a naked woman
    floats up on the beach. She's unconcious and stark naked, and one of the
    lawyers eyes light up and he says to the other lawyer, hey I've been stuck
    here 10 years with you and now we have a naked woman, do you think we
    should screw her? The other lawyer replies "Out of what?"

  8. #1218
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    A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to
    her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the
    world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her
    down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks
    away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the
    roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his
    way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table
    operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is
    she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money
    on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

  9. #1219
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    Plumber:
    "We repair what your husband fixed."

    Pizza shop slogan:
    "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

    At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
    "Invite us to your next blowout."

    Door of a plastic surgeons office:
    "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

    Sign at the psychic's hotline:
    "Don't call us, we'll call you."

    At a laundry shop:
    "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

    At a towing company:
    "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

    Billboard on the side of the road:
    "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

    On an electricians truck:
    "Let us remove your shorts."

    In a nonsmoking area:
    "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

    On maternity room door:
    "Push, Push, Push."

    At an optometrists office
    "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

    On a taxidermist's window:
    "We really know our stuff."

    In a Podiatrist's office:
    "Time wounds all heels."

    On a Butchers window:
    "Let me meat your needs."

    On a fence:
    "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

    At a car dealership:
    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

    Outside a muffler shop:
    "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

    Outside a hotel:
    "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

    On a desk in a reception room:
    "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

    In a veterinarians waiting room:
    "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

    At the electric company:
    "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

    On the door of a computer store:
    "Out for a quick byte."

    In a restaurant window:
    "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

    Inside a bowling alley:
    "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

    In the front yard of a funeral home:
    "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

    In a counselors office:
    "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

  10. #1220
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    The Real Man Test

    1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

    A. Present it to the President of the United States.
    B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
    C. Take it apart.



    2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

    A. Innocence.
    B. Idealism.
    C. Cherry bombs.



    3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

    A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
    B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
    C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.



    4. What about hugging another male?

    A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
    B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!"
    C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
    1. He is legally within the base path,
    2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
    3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.



    5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

    A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
    B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
    C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.



    6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

    A. A cat.
    B. A dog.
    C. A dog that eats cats.



    7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

    A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
    B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
    C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.



    8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

    A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
    B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
    C. Tell her what?



    9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

    A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
    B. "They’re in school already?"
    C. "There are three of them?"



    10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

    A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
    B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
    C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.



    11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

    A. He was being tested.
    B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    C. He refused to ask for directions.



    12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

    A. Democracy.
    B. Religion.
    C. Remote control.



    How to Score...

    Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C."

    A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.

    Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer’s joke.

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