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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1221
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    Monday:
    We are now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to
    cook for Dan. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said "beat 12
    eggs separately". The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls

    Tuesday:
    Dan wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said "serve without
    dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Dan brought a friend
    home for dinner.

    Wednesday:
    A good day for rice. Recipe said "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

    Thursday:
    Today Dan asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said "prepare
    ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which
    is what led up to Dan asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

    Friday:
    I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said "put all ingredients in bowl
    and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When
    I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

    Saturday:
    Dan did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress
    it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Dan keeps counting to ten.

    Sunday:
    Dan's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven
    and set the controls for roast. It still came out like hamburger, much to
    my disappointment.

    Goodnight, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for
    tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Dan. If we could just get
    a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose."

  2. #1222
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    A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch
    more venom than usual.

    "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always
    be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in
    second."

    "Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.

    "Because you're an idiot!"

  3. #1223
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    A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
    rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

    Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
    said, "Well that's great, just great... some *******'s got my pen."

  4. #1224
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    A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was
    fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
    "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the
    farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a
    deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound,
    the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
    The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they
    landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not
    making a sound. You are a brave man.""Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I
    gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

  5. #1225
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    Q - What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you.
    A - Run shes got the grenade!

    Q - What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
    A - Pull the pin and throw it back

  6. #1226
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    Question and answer animal jokes
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
    A: Because it was a double-crosser.

    Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
    A: To take over the other side.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    A: To get to the other slide.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
    A: To get to the other tide.

    Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
    A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

  7. #1227
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    Answering machine message 182



    Hello you have reached the Smith residence. All of our operators are busy. Your call will be processed in the order it was received. (Annoying music...) Due to a large volume of calls, all of our operators are bu... (Ringing phone.) Hello, we're sorry were not home right now, so please leave your message after the beep.

  8. #1228
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    Dealing with a lawyer


    A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

    Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

    Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

    Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

    "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

  9. #1229
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    Pick Heaven or Hell
    One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

    "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

    "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

    The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

    So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

    "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

    The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

    So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

    The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

  10. #1230
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    Ultra dumb people 02
    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

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