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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1231
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    A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered
    to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver,
    getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows
    looking at him.

    "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.

    The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He
    ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

    "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his
    arms franticly back toward the field.

    The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to
    glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?"
    the farmer asked slowly.

    "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

    "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the
    man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn
    thing about cars."

  2. #1232
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    Duct tape is like "The Force", it has a dark side and a light side and they hold the universe together.
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  3. #1233
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    You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

    You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
    You sleep with your eyes open.
    You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
    The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
    You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
    You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
    Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
    You chew on other people's fingernails.
    The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
    You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
    You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
    You can jump-start your car without cables.
    You don't sweat, you percolate.
    You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
    You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
    You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
    People get dizzy just watching you.
    Instant coffee takes too long.
    You channel surf faster without a remote.
    You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
    You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
    You short out motion detectors.
    You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
    Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
    You help your dog chase its tail.
    You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
    Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
    You ski uphill.
    You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
    You answer the door before people knock.
    You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
    "I'm back!" ^_^

  4. #1234
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    Being a man definitely has its perks...

    1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.

    2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

    3. Your last name stays put.

    4. The garage is all yours.

    5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

    6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.

    7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

    8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.

    9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

    10. Same work .. more pay.

    11. Wrinkles-add character.

    12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

    13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

    14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

    15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

    16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

    17. One mood, ALL the time.

    18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

    19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

    20. You can open all your own jars.

    21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

    22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

    23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

    24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

    25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

    26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

    27. No maxi-pads.

    28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

    29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

    30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

    31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

    32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

    33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

    34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

    35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

    36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.

    37. The world is your urinal.

  5. #1235
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    Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
    Witness: That's me.
    Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

    - -

    Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
    Witness: He was tall and had a beard.
    Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

    - -

    Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    Witness: I used to be.
    Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

    - -

    Lawyer: You said she had three children, right?
    Witness: Yes.
    Lawyer: How many were boys?
    Witness: None.
    Lawyer: Were there any girls?

    - -

    Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked
    like, but can you describe it?

    - -

    Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
    Witness: Oral.

    - -

    Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    Witness: After the accident?
    Lawyer: Before the accident.
    Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    - -

    Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    - -

    Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
    Witness: Oh, I do.
    Attorney: How often do you cook for him?
    Witness: We have probably one good meal a week.
    Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many
    "bad" meals do you have?

    Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    Doctor: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    - -

    Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
    Witness: Not yet.

    - -

    Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

    - -

    Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?
    Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    Lawyer: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time, is that correct?
    Witness: No! He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
    an autopsy!

    - -

    Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement, right?
    Witness: Yes.
    Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    - -

    Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

    - -

    Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

    - -

    Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    Witness: It indicates intercourse.
    Lawyer: Male sperm?
    Witness: That is the only kind I know.

    - -

    Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the accident?

    - -

    Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    - -

    Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?

    - -

    Lawyer: Then what happened?
    Witness: He told me, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Lawyer: Did he kill you?
    New rig
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  6. #1236
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    A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind

    Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

    Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing

    Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own

    He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory

    He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again
    he doesn't know the meaning of most words

    I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works

    I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to
    that of thousands of others

    He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe

    I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt
    you one day.

    I would ask you how old you are, but I reckon you can't count
    that high.

    I would have like to insult you, but the sad truth is that you
    wouldn't understand me.

    If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

    If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid..

    I'm blonde. What's your excuse?

    I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the
    way of your ignorance.

    She has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

    Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.

    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but it looks like
    this guy just gargled.
    New rig
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  7. #1237
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    Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and
    kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting
    pesky insects.

    Still, a few fireflies followed them in.

    Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy
    whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after
    us with flashlights...."
    New rig
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  8. #1238
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    A very posh lady was walking around an art gallery when she
    stopped by one particular exhibit.
    "I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call
    modern art?" she asked very pompously.
    "No, ma'am," replied the assistant, "it's what we call a mirror."
    New rig
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  9. #1239
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    What Do I Look Like?

    A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
    The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?

    A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

    "What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

    He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

    One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

    His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

    She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

    "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

  10. #1240
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    "Well, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give
    him a clue.

    "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for
    time.

    "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what
    it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

    "Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your
    last bill before spending anymore time with you.

    "Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news." The good news
    is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to
    pay for it.

    "This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to
    Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to
    fix it before it cures itself.

    "Let me schedule you for some lab tests." I have a forty percent
    interest in the lab.

    "Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into
    something that really needs to be cured.

    "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like
    to use you for a guinea pig.

    "That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.

    "This may smart a little." Last week two patients almost bit off their
    tongues.

    "This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks
    to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

    "Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new
    beach condo after all.

    "I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong.
    Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
    New rig
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