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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1241
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    Medical Miracles

    A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."
    An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."

    The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."

    The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

  2. #1242
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    Same words...........diff meanings :kay:


    The bandage was wound around the wound.

    The farm was used to produce produce .

    The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

    We must polish the Polish furniture.

    He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

    Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

    A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    I did not object to the object.

    The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

    They were too close to the door to close it.

    The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

    To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    After a number of injections my jaw got number.

    Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

    I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

  3. #1243
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    Sorry if this has already been mentioned:

    "There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary, and those that don't."

    heh. Funny in a derogitary kind of way.
    <font face="verdana" size="2">jaani.
    <a href="http://www.jaani.net/" target="_new">website.</a>
    <a href="http://www.overclockers.com.au/pcdb/view.php?page=stats&name=jaani" target="_new">computer.</a>
    <a href="mailto:riordan@jaani.net">e-mail.</a>

  4. #1244
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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
    One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
    was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid
    her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If
    she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child
    turned 18.

    She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
    it discreet, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on
    the back. He would then arrange for child support.

    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

    "Honey," she said,"you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just
    give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and
    watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

    On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
    meatballs, one without."
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  5. #1245
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    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced
    altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
    and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
    I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
    The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
    approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40
    and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
    longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am,"
    replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist,
    "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to
    make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
    not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman
    below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the
    balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't
    know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are
    due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no
    idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your
    problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in
    before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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  6. #1246
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    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got
    canned...couldn't concentrate.

    Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
    so they gave me the ax.

    After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
    mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

    Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

    Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my
    life but I just didn't have the thyme.

    I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
    the mustard.

    My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
    noteworthy enough.

    I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

    Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

    I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
    my net income.

    I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but
    the work was just too draining.

    So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for
    the job.

    I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future
    in it.

    My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
    always the same old grind.
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  7. #1247
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    A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband
    sighs and says, "I'm disappointed. It was all over in four
    minutes!"

    The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."
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  8. #1248
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    A woman went to the beach with her children.
    Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her
    hand, and led her to the shore where a dead
    seagull lay in the sand.
    "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy
    asked.
    "He died and went to heaven," she replied.
    The child thought for a moment and said,
    "And God threw him back down?"
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  9. #1249
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    You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

    You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

    You sleep with your eyes open.

    You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

    The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

    You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

    You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

    Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

    You chew on other people's fingernails.

    The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

    You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

    You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

    You can jump-start your car without cables.

    You don't sweat, you percolate.

    You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

    You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

    You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

    People get dizzy just watching you.

    Instant coffee takes too long.

    You channel surf faster without a remote.

    You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

    You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

    You short out motion detectors.

    You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

    Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

    You help your dog chase its tail.

    You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

    Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

    You ski uphill.

    You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

    You answer the door before people knock.

    You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

  10. #1250
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    A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
    hand.
    A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, Can I help you, sir?

    Yesssh! Schomebody schtole my car! the man replies.
    The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

    "It wasssch at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a
    bit too literally.

    About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being
    exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware
    that you are exposing yourself?"

    The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Ohhh
    GOD...they got my girlfriend too!"
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