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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1251
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    Talk To Me In Frogspeak, Do

    A grandson ran up to his grandfather and asked him he could talk like a frog. "Of course not," said the grandfather. A few minutes later, his granddaughter ran up and asked him the same thing. "No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?" The granddaughter looked up at him and said "Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland."

  2. #1252
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    This happened to this who guy lives in Westchester, NY, and goes to School at Ithaca College a couple of yeras ago:

    For two years he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

    Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

    Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.

    After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

    So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).

    They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.

    After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of
    gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there
    at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of
    gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh crap,' he thinks (and
    feels).

    Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do befure his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant.

    Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the trainstation, they pass the Gap.

    "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too." she replies.

    They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.

    After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."
    "What?" asks the Gap girl.

    "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)

    Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

    He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our heroexcuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.

    After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out

    ........just the sweater
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  3. #1253
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    Husbands are like children -- they're fine
    if they're someone else's.

    Never trust a man who says he's the boss at
    home. He probably lies about other things too.

    A woman's work that is never done is the
    stuff she asked her husband to do.

    Go for younger men. You might as well --
    they never mature anyway.

    Scientists have just discovered something
    that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

    Men's brains are like the prison system --
    not enough cells per man.
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  4. #1254
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    The Blonde and the Horse

    There is this dumb blonde who likes animals, but is kind of afraid of horses. She still likes horses, so she decides to overcome her fear. So one day she hops on a horse, and the horse starts galloping and won't stop. She starts to get a little afraid but the horse won't stop.
    Everybody is watching and she doesn't know what to do. So she grabs its leg and the horse still won't stop. Then she decides to jump but her foot gets stuck in the stirrup. So she is bouncing on the ground and doesn't know what to do. Then the Wal-Mart manager comes running out and pulls the plug out of the socket and saves her.

  5. #1255
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    Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand
    new Chevrolet? It vas Ole.

    Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.

    "Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked.

    "Lena gave it to me."

    "She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"

    "Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6,
    in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked,
    got out of da car, trew off all of her clothes, and said "Ole, take vatever
    you vant." So I took da car.

    "Ole, you're a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."

    COURTESY OF DIRTYDOG
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  6. #1256
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    Did you know...

    While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer
    each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male
    reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
    November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until
    after they give birth in the spring.



    Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
    reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be
    a girl.


    We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
    red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


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  7. #1257
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    Aussie Culture...

    THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO BEING AN AUSSIE
    1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

    2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

    3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
    gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage
    sizzle.

    4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
    media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

    5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of
    tomato sauce.

    6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by
    placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

    7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
    milk crate.

    8. All our best heroes are losers.

    9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from
    the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

    10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

    11. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total *******". By
    contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a *******".

    12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not
    worth fixing.

    13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the
    one that has the swimming pool.

    14. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

    15. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the
    family drinks too much.

    16. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then
    spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered
    for it).

    17. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take
    everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car,
    you're not trying.

    18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your
    front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on
    the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

    19. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food v's grog
    battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

    20. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's
    pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

    21. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises
    that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.

    22. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia ...
    Potential new Aussies must pass the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn
    (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs, holding a VB while watching
    the cricket. If you can't pass that, chances are you will never be able to
    pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

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  8. #1258
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    I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits
    and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my
    age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
    asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

    He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," I
    replied, "I've never done either."

    Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? I
    said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he
    asked. "No I don't," I said.

    He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
    women?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."


    He look at me and said,

    "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ??"
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  9. #1259
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    Night Before Christmas

    Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.

    Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.

    No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.

    There'd be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter.

    There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.

    I'll be alone, my computer and me.

    I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.

    I'll just sit right here...with windows ninety-five.

    There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.

    None of my regular buddies are found.

    I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.

    Age, sex, location is all that's about.

    As, I was about to go check out the net.

    I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.

    A lady told me, she had read my profile.

    And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

    She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.

    But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.

    She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.

    But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

    She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.

    But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.

    He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.

    So, she thought she'd use it, " I guess it's all right."

    She started to tell me, about her whole life.

    How she was expected to be a good wife.

    She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.

    Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

    She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.

    Then finally told me.....she was oversexed.

    She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.

    He was always too busy, and getting too old.

    Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.

    She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex.

    I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.

    Then after an hour, she got really good.

    After five hours, my fingers were sore.

    I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.

    She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.

    And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

    She said she would be on, the same time next year.

    Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.

    She said only...on this night, she could be found

    It is only...this night, her husband leaves town.

    She said bye, and signed off...and i had to pause.

    I think I just cybered . . . . . . with Mrs. Santa Claus ! ! ! !
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  10. #1260
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    A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about
    a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

    The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog,
    he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

    One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We
    all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that
    whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

    Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a
    contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute
    sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie,"
    and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

    There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was
    beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a
    deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
    New rig
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