Please report all spam threads, posts and suspicious members. We receive spam notifications and will take immediate action!
Page 127 of 157 FirstFirst ... 2777117125126127128129137 ... LastLast
Results 1,261 to 1,270 of 1561

Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1261
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got
    me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the
    night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts,
    gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

    "Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying
    to change you."

    "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good
    enough for me."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  2. #1262
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Truck driver is barreling down the freeway and sees a sign that
    warns of a low bridge ahead. Before he realizes it he is upon the
    bridge and becomes firmly stuck under it. Cars back up for miles.
    Finally a local police cars arrives. The cop gets out and with
    hands on hips surveys the situation. "Got stuck, huh" he says to
    the truck driver. The truck driver looks at the cop and with a
    straight face says, "Naw, I was delivering the bridge and ran out
    of gas."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  3. #1263
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
    stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
    and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
    you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
    talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big
    shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount
    to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed
    across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense
    attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
    he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
    And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy,
    bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
    relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
    shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

    At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
    both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
    menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be
    jailed for contempt!"
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  4. #1264
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
    really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come
    work."

    The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
    like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me se x. That makes
    everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and
    I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  5. #1265
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A housewife was having several couples over for dinner
    that night, so she wanted to cook something special. She
    slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece.
    Salmon mousse.

    Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat nibbling
    away at the dish on the dining room table. She had worked
    so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she
    smoothed it over and served it anyway.

    Well, the mousse was a hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds.
    Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen
    and looked out the window.

    There, next to the house, lay her cat. Dead. She had to
    confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the
    cat and now the cat was dead.

    The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their
    stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten any
    because she knew her cat had, lay in bed--mourning the
    passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could
    befall her guests.

    Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who said,
    "I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran her
    over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner
    party in progress....So I just put her on your lawn."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  6. #1266
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
    beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
    themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
    arriving in front of her at the same time.

    Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides
    to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and
    "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with
    me."

    The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says

    "I love liver and cheese."

    "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
    intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever.

    "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

    "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as
    the Lab's sentence."

    She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,

    "How about you, little guy?"

    The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the
    Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden
    Retriever and the Lab and says,

    "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  7. #1267
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

    Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"

    "As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  8. #1268
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
    A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

    Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's *****?
    A. His body.

    Q. Why do little boys whine?
    A. Because they're practicing to be men.

    Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. One - he just holds it up there and waits fothe world to revolve around him.

    Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the

    screwing part.

    Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
    A. Trustworthy.

    Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling

    your name?
    A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

    Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
    A. To knock the *****es off the smart ones.

    Q. Why do men name their *****es?
    A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their

    decisions.

    Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
    A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

    Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
    A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

    Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
    A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only

    one.

    Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
    A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

    Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
    A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

    Q: What is the difference between men and women...
    A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to

    satisfy his one need.

    Q: How does a man keep his youth?
    A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

    Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals".
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  9. #1269
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a
    90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's
    house later that night, she seemed upset.

    "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

    "I had to slap his face three times!"

    "You mean he got fresh?"

    "No," she answered...

    "I thought he was dead!"
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  10. #1270
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    My Grandmother, to my knowledge, never drank liquor in her life, at
    least on purpose. She was a very gentle and proper lady, a pillar
    of her church and the community.

    In those days door to door salesmen were welcomed, out in the
    country and none more so than the Watkin's Man. He was almost
    regarded as a guest and was frequently invited to eat a meal when
    he visited with his wares.

    He sold all sorts of wonderous things and always left a little gift
    when he left, such as a thimble or pot holder. One of his products
    was an elixir for general health and nervous conditions. With two
    of her sons in the service, during WW-2, she was worried and
    depressed, so she bought a big bottle of this elixir and took it as
    directed. Lo and behold she did feel happier, as a matter of fact
    she got downright giddy when she took it. So much so that my Mom
    read the fine print on the bottle to discover that the stuff was
    40% achohol. Alarmed, she told my grampa, who grinned and said
    "Now let's just keep this between you and me honey, I'm enjoying
    your mother's happy times.".
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •