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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1271
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    A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

  2. #1272
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    A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.
    God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that
    on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to
    laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be
    able to enter Heaven.

    The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so
    she could not enter Heaven.

    The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so
    she could not enter Heaven either.

    Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step,
    she started laughing.

    "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

    "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
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  3. #1273
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    Twas the night before crisis,
    And all through the house,
    Not a program was working,
    Not even a browse.

    Programmers were wrung out,
    Too mindless to care,
    Knowing chances of cutover
    Hadn't a prayer.

    The users were nestled
    All snug in their beds,
    While visions of inquiries
    Danced in their heads.

    When out in the lobby
    There arose such a clatter,
    That I sprang from my tube
    To see what was the matter.

    And what to my wondering
    Eyes should appear,
    But a Super Programmer,
    Oblivious to fear.

    More rapid than eagles,
    His programs they came
    And he whistled and shouted
    And called them by name.

    On Update! On Add!
    On Inquiry! On Delete!
    On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
    On Functions Complete!

    His eyes were glazed over,
    His fingers were lean,
    From weekends and nights
    Spent in front of a screen.

    A wink of his eye,
    And a twist of his head,
    Soon gave me to know
    I had nothing to dread.

    He spoke not a word,
    But went straight to his work,
    Turning specs into code,
    Then he turned with a jerk.

    And laying his fingers
    Upon the ENTER key,
    The system came up,
    And worked perfectly!

    The updates updated;
    The deletes they deleted;
    The inquiries inquired;
    And the closing completed.

    He tested each whistle,
    He tested each bell,
    With nary an abend,
    And all had gone well.

    The system was finished,
    The tests were concluded,
    The client's last changes
    Were even included!

    And the client exclaimed,
    With a snarl and a taunt,
    "It's just what I asked for,
    But it's not what I want !"
    SPAM Special Ops

  4. #1274
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    At the creation of woman, Gabriel ask The Lord "How many nerve endings shall I put in her hands?"
    "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
    "Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.
    "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
    "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.
    "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
    "Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.
    "Of course. We wanted Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we?
    Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
    "Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.
    "No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."

  5. #1275
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    A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman
    sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so
    gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline
    does she work for?"

    Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said,
    "Love to fly and it shows?"

    She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately
    thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.

    A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head.
    He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

    She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked
    himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

    Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

    This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the
    **** do you want?"

    The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh,
    Air Canada".
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  6. #1276
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    Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring
    yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion
    among them.

    First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled
    our differences, we agreed on which 100 of
    the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to
    get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

    Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3
    years and have earned my right to the 50
    cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im,
    but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

    Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only
    let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may
    not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, soI simply
    MUST keep all MY cows."

    They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up
    in the middle of the pasture
    with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had
    ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained
    the steel ramp to the breaking point.

    First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I
    really felt I was doing all my cows justice,
    anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

    Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay
    on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM.
    I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

    They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing
    the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

    First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
    some of your cows and live to tell about
    it."

    Third Bull: "Sh1t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he
    knows I'M a bull!"
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  7. #1277
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    A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the
    blonde lady driver. 'Maam, is there a reason that youre weaving all over
    the road'?

    The woman replied, 'Oh officer, thank goodness youre here. I almost had an
    accident ! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I
    swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved
    to the right and there was another tree in front of me !'

    Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
    replied . 'Maam ...thats your air freshener.'
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  8. #1278
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    A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
    While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God,
    she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two
    months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay
    in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she
    had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even
    nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
    crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
    40 years? Why didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

    God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
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  9. #1279
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    These are cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...

    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
    What was I thinking?"

    "Congratulations on your wedding day!....
    Too bad no one likes your wife."

    "How could two people as beautiful as you....
    have such an ugly baby?"

    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
    After having met you, I've changed my mind."

    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
    I never believed in Hell until I met you."

    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
    that you're not here to ruin it for me."

    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
    Like the need for therapy..."

    "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
    I never knew what evil was before this!"

    "Before you go,....
    I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

    "Someday I hope to get married....
    but not to you."

    "You look great for your age....
    Almost Lifelike!"

    "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
    Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

    "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
    So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

    "We have been friends for a very long time....
    What do you say we call it quits?"

    "I'm so miserable without you....
    It's almost like you're here."

    "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
    Did you ever find out who the father was?"

    "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
    I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

    "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
    So we're having you put to sleep."

    "Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
    But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."

  10. #1280
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    Sep 2002
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    Three old guys out walking. First one says. “Windy isn’t it? “ Second one says, “No its Thursday”!! Third one says. “So am I. Lets go get a beer”.

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