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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1281
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
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    536

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    I think many of us can relate to this...

    It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus. Even the
    most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee can't take care of it. So be
    warned, it appears to affect especially those of you who were born before 1958!

    Symptoms of Senile Virus

    1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
    2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
    3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
    4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

  2. #1282
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Washington state
    Posts
    993

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    This Blonde Goes to the doctor
    As the blonde points to her arm, She says to the doctor
    " Doctor I hurt here"
    and then points to her tummy " and I hurt here"
    and then points to her leg says "and doctor I hurt here too"
    She looks at the docter and asks him
    " doctor whats wrong with me???"
    The doctor simply points out and says
    "your finger is broken"

  3. #1283
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    Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking
    space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the
    Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will
    park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many
    hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his
    house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes
    back to the lot to get his car.

    When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by
    some other car. He is, well, upset.

    What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on
    the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get
    involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual
    vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats
    have been slashed over this.

    One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty,
    he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real
    well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze
    solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a
    car-sized Popsicle.

    The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours
    until spring!
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  4. #1284
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    The rules at a particular university were such that if the
    professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past
    the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were
    free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

    The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that
    "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion.
    As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophis- ticated
    construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one
    were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the
    clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

    It became almost daily practice for these students to take target
    practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular
    professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered
    him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo,
    15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

    Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
    strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You
    have 1 hour to complete".

    The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from
    around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When
    he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed
    the class and collected the exam papers.
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  5. #1285
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    Nov 2001
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If you have ever attempted to organize a Christmas function at work, you will relate to these emails all too well...


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: December 1
    RE: Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

    There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

    Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

    This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
    CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  6. #1286
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    Nov 2001
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    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: December
    RE: Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

    We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

    The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
    Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family.

    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: December 3
    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

    Somebody?

    Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

    NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: December 7
    RE: Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

    Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
    on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.

    Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
    restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

    Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.

    We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

    There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  7. #1287
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    6,297

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    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO : All Employees
    DATE: December 10
    RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

    Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

    But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
    heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

    The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    TO : All Employees
    DATE: December 14
    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!

  8. #1288
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    Nov 2001
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    Posts
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    Sign in the Army Recruiting Office:
    Marry a veteran, girls.
    He can cook, make beds, sew, is in perfect health;
    And is already used to taking orders.
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  9. #1289
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    6,297

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    Advances in science have lead to new medicines that make the lives of women around the world a little better...

    Damitol
    Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

    St. Mom's Wort
    Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

    Empty Nestrogen
    Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

    Peptobimbo
    Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

    Dumerol
    When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

    Flipitor
    Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

    Antiboyotics
    When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

    Menicillin
    Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"

    Buyagra
    Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

    Extra Strength Buy-One-all
    When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by
    Dr. Laura.

    JackAsspirin
    Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

    Antitalksident
    A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

    Sexcedrin
    More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

    Ragamat
    When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging at him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

  10. #1290
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    Hello?

    Mama, Mama,I'm in a terrible state.

    Darling, bubeleh, what is it?

    Oh Mama, we're all snowed in, the car won't start, the children have the
    measles, I've got a cold, the house is a mess, I've got no milk and, worst
    of all, I've got 20 women from the shul coming over for dinner. Oh Mama,
    Mama, what am I going to do?

    Don't worry, sweetheart. Mama will sort it all out. I'll get the train and
    2 buses and will walk the 2 miles from the bus stop to your house. On the
    way I'll buy some milk and food for tonight. I'll put the children to bed,
    clean up the house and make a nice meal for your friends. Don't
    worry....everything will be allright .

    Oh, Mama, thank you, thank you. But what about Dad? What will he do?

    Dad? What dad? Your father's been dead for 2 years.

    Is this 993-0997?

    No this is 933-0997!

    Oh no! Does that mean you're not coming?
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