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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #121
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    The young Farmer Brown made an appointment with the family doctor regarding sexual problems he was having with his wife.
    'Now listen, Luke,' the doctor advised, 'you have to be more loving to your wife. Give her lots of hugs and kisses. Show her how much you care.'
    'Well, I do the best I can, Doc,' the fellow cried. 'You see I'm up before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk. I'm just too tired.'
    The doctor thought for a moment and then said, 'Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a- runnin'.'
    About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor.... this time really depressed. 'What's wrong' asked the doctor. 'Didn't you take my advice?'
    'Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week,' moaned the farmer. 'I haven't seen her since.'

  2. #122
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    A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

    The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

    The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

    Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
    The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

    But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

    Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

    All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

    He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
    "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

    "That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.

    The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"

  3. #123
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    A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a ***** Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

    Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

    When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "F@ck off!"

    So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

    The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

    The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

    "What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

    "I wished for a long legged bird with a tight *****!"

  4. #124
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    A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

    The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

    The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

    The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

    The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

    The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

    The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"

    The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?"

    "Good, got any grapes?"

  5. #125
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    The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

    Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
    I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
    A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
    The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
    I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
    I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
    I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
    To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
    An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
    I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
    I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
    In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
    I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
    The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

  6. #126
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    The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Clyde!"




    It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.




    Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!




    With tears in his eyes, a little boy told his teacher that he could not find his snow boots. The teacher took him by the hand and walked into the coat room. "There's your boots!" she exclaimed, pointing at the only pair of boots that were there. "But those are not MY boots!" the little boy wailed. "Are you sure?" the teacher asked. "I'm sure!" he sobbed. "Mine had SNOW on them!"




    A little girl walked into a store to do some Christmas shopping. "I'd like a pair of bedroom slippers for my grandma," she told the the clerk. He replied, "Sorry, we don't do exchanges."

  7. #127
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    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

    Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

    Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

    Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

    Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

    If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

    Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

    Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

    How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

    If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

  8. #128
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    Why Parents Turn Gray
    The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

    Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?

    "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

    Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,"Is your Mommy there?"

    "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
    the small voice whispered, "no".

    Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

    "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

    "No, he's busy", whispered the child."Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

    In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

    Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

    Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"

  9. #129
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    Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years.
    Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of
    those years by telling about their lives. Finally
    Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
    "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you
    visit us."
    "Great. Where do you live?"
    "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking
    behind the apartment. Park and come around to the
    front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the
    elevator and press the button with your left elbow,
    then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down
    the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press
    the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you
    in."
    "Good. But tell me...what is all this business of
    kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator
    buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
    "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  10. #130
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    10 sure ways to make yourself popular at the office
    ================================================== =


    10. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if
    they don't, and then punch them in the mouth.
    9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives
    you the sympathy remarks.. tell everyone how you're just kidding..
    8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard- then during the
    meeting put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up
    a big loogie - then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it
    to the person next to you and say 'Beat that!'
    7. Inform a male coworker that he 'wouldn't make a good hooker,' then
    piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good 'ass f*cking.'
    6. Always walk around with a big smile and keep one hand down the
    front of your pants.
    5. Answer every question asked to you with 'f*ck if I know!' then call
    the person a racial slur that doesn't even match their race.
    4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your
    nuts. Get them really sweaty, and then walk around shaking
    everyone's hand.
    3. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and
    yell, 'It won't stop! God help me! It won't stop!' Then when it
    stops... look down and say... 'Oh!'
    2. Ask to borrow someone's pen- bring it to the bathroom - stick it in
    your butt - return it and tell the person to smell it - when they
    tell you that it smells bad - be like, 'It should! I had it in my
    butt!'
    1. **** on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees
    it, tell them it's the fake plastic kind- when they try to pick it
    up, and realize that their hand is full of ****, laugh and point.
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

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