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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1301
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    A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
    as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer
    looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.
    You've graduated from the best schools; your
    recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is
    unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second
    thought. However, a sales representative has a highly
    visible position, and we're afraid that your constant
    winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....
    we can't hire you."

    "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

    "Really? Great! Show me!"

    So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
    pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
    ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom,
    he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
    and stops winking.

    "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is
    a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees
    womanizing all over the country!"

    "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

    "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

    "Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
    and asked for aspirin?"
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  2. #1302
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    An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a
    sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the
    party!"

    She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over
    again."

    He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party."

    She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

    He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.

    Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

    He says, "Why?"

    They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if
    you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone
    here."

    He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"

    She says, "Yes?"

    He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"
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  3. #1303
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    LMAO !!!
    SPAM Special Ops

  4. #1304
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    As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin
    for a man to see a naked woman who is not
    his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern
    time all Canadian women are asked to walk
    out of their house completely naked to help weed
    out any neighbourhood terrorists.
    Circling your block for one hour is recommended
    for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are
    to position themselves in lawn chairs in front
    of their house to prove they are not Taliban,
    demonstrate that they think it's okay to see
    nude women other than their wife and to show
    support for all Canadian women. And since the
    Taliban also does not approve of alcohol,
    a cold six- pack at your side is further proof
    of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

    The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts
    to root out terrorists and applauds your participation
    in this anti-terrorist activity.
    SPAM Special Ops

  5. #1305
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    LOL, just a thought happening here.....what if she's that ugly that you just can't look at her naked body, will they consider you to be a member of the Taliban :?:
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  6. #1306
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    Maybe I'll just make that suggestion now to our little unloved Johnny Howard then. :thumb:

    I hope that it can be done before I move :?:
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  7. #1307
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    An older lady is driving her car above the speed limit
    when she is stopped by an officer. He approaches
    her car and asks for her drivers license. The lady
    explains that she does not have a license that it was
    taken from her after the last time she was stopped
    for drunk driving.

    The officer asks to see her registration. The lady
    says that she does not have a registration since she
    stole the car and that she killed the owner, cut up his
    body and stuffed it in the trunk.

    By now the officer is getting very fidgety and calls for
    backup. Very soon the area is flooded with police
    vehicles and a detective approaches the car. He tells
    that lady that she needs to get out of the car. The
    lady asks what is the problem. The detective tells
    the lady that the officer said she did not have a license.

    The lady says, 'of course I have a license,' opens up her
    purse and shows it to the detective. The detective says
    the officer said that you did not have a registration, and
    that you killed the owner and stuffed him in the trunk.

    The lady says, 'well he is just a liar, of course I have a
    registration,' and she opens the glove box and shows it
    to the detective, 'and you can also look in the trunk and
    see that there is no dead body there.' The lady then
    turns to the detective and says, ' I guess that liar also
    told you that I was speeding!'
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  8. #1308
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    I can relate to this with a telephone bill I'm getting. They're! :scream:

    A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored
    it and threw it away.

    Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they
    sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his
    credit card if he didn't send them $0.00.

    He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told
    him they'd take care of it.

    The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He
    called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of
    it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very
    delinquent.

    The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so
    he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that
    he had 10 day to pay or his account was going to collection.

    He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit
    card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now
    paid in full.

    A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
    writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your
    $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now
    can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because
    that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort."

    The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for
    Christmas, bought her a typewriter instead.
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  9. #1309
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    This little flee died and went to heaven.
    Three days later there was this little voice that said
    " God God help help me please?"
    Then God says "Yes little flee what can I do for you?"
    The little flee says " God I was such a good little flee, can I go back to earth?"
    God replies " sure little flee " Little flee is back on earth.
    Three days later the little flee asks " God God help me help me please?
    God" Whatcha need little flee?"
    little flee "well God, I'm cold, I wanna get warm"
    God "ok little flee, where would you like to go?"
    Little flee asks " I'd like to go in (lets say Wiggo's) beard"
    God "ok little flee"
    Three days later little flee says " God God Help me Help me please?"
    God " what now little flee?"
    Little flee whines " well every time this Wiggo eats soup he drips it in his beard, every time he blows his nose he drips it in his beard, God I just can't stand it any more!" " God I've been a good little flee, can I go somewhere else?"
    God says " where would you like to go now little flee?"
    little flee says " In some nice looking girls snatch!" God puts him in one.
    Three days later little flee's voice says " God God Help me Help me please?"
    God says " what Now Little Flee!?"
    Little flee crys " I'm back in Wiggo's BEARD

  10. Default

    An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, earsplitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel.

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