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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1321
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    Question: What is Olive Oil's last name?

    Answer: Down , why else would Popeye constantly say,

    "Well, Blow me Down!"

    *it's far better with added sound effects, but, ya get the point....
    right?*
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

  2. #1322
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    Okay this ones for you Wiggo,wannabeblonde thang...


    What do you get when you stand six Blondes on their Heads?





    Six toothless Brunettes with extremely bad breath!
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

  3. #1323
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    A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table,the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".

    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador.

    As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat.

    The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100%, certifiably dead."

    He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

    $1500!" she cried."$1500 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

    The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....... What did you expect?
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #1324
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    A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen
    mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge
    his face and hands.
    "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
    black?"
    Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here
    to wash your face and hands."
    He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
    Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your
    face and hands."
    The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little
    distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
    "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
    Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She
    whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers,
    moved his ***** out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up
    the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing
    wrong with them!!!"
    At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
    "Are my test results back???"
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  5. #1325
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    There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking
    his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden
    this great big dude comes in and

    WHACK!! - knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
    The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
    The little guy thinks "Geez," but he gets back up on
    the stool and starts drinking again when all of a
    sudden

    WHACK!! - the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,
    "That was a judo chop from Japan."

    So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up,
    brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
    The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he
    returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind
    the big dude and

    WHAM!! - knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking
    him out flat.

    The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When
    he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears".


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
    3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
    5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
    6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

    AMAZING CONCLUSION:

    The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
    become.
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  6. #1326
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    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

    8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.

    9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

    12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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  7. #1327
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    A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"

    "Yes." replied the man.

    "Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.

    "I left him home." he answered.

    "Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."

    The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.

    "Yes," he said, "but I left him home."

    "Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."

    The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."

    The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What
    is it?"

    The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
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  8. #1328
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    A Floridian, a New Yorker and a Canadian are in a bar one night having a beer.
    The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
    He says, "In New York our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
    The Canadian [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
    He says, "In Canada we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
    The Floridian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the New Yorker and the Canadian.
    He says, "In Florida we have so many New Yorkers and Canadians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
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  9. #1329
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    Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon
    listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full
    volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a
    while. There was a fellow in my office who was the ultimate
    offender.

    I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. Have a female friend
    call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi,
    this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the
    'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come
    over there and spank you, would you?"

    It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can
    assure you.
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  10. #1330
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    An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove
    through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash
    of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

    The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
    even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
    time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

    "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer
    thought.

    A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he
    discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
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