Please report all spam threads, posts and suspicious members. We receive spam notifications and will take immediate action!
Page 134 of 157 FirstFirst ... 3484124132133134135136144 ... LastLast
Results 1,331 to 1,340 of 1561

Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1331
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    caves of bedrock
    Posts
    3,129

    Default

    Lets see if this helps.
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
    icq : 203189004
    jabber : asklepios20@jabber.org
    =======================
    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
    Customized for 1024x768

  2. #1332
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Western face of Mt.St.Helens
    Posts
    3,060

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by asklepios
    Lets see if this helps.
    responding to Knock Knock

    thank Gawd you're knot..........freedom from maliscious
    moronic praratators........i surley do loves this community
    of simpatico & psychically intuned brainiacs..........so,
    great to reclaim our heireditary santuary.........all members
    must please to bow now to TT Gods of fixed all tings broken]

    Hail too our blessed saviours:woot: :woot: :thumb:
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

  3. #1333
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G are the
    letter used to define bra sizes?

    If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the
    letters stood for...

    It is about time you became informed!

    {A} - Almost Boobs...

    {B} - Barely there.

    {C} - Can't Complain!

    {D} - Damn!

    {DD} - Double damn!

    {E} - Enormous!

    {G} - GEEEEzus Christ!

    {F} - Fake.
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  4. #1334
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

    Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

    When one egoist does another a favor, it's an I for an I.

    A bicycle can't stand on its own, because it is two-tired.

    What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead give-away!)

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    A backward poet writes inverse.

    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat
    minor.

    When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
    Blownapart.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Local Area Network in Austrailia: the LAN down under.

    He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    Every calendar's days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

    A boiled egg for lunch is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

    A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
    medium at large.

    Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

    Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

    When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought
    she'd dye.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of da' feet.
    The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  5. #1335
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    When you write copy, you have the right to copyright
    the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however,
    your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you
    write religious services you write rite, and have the
    right to copyright the rite you write.

    Very conservative people write right copy, and have
    the right to copyright the right copy they write. A
    right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the
    right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write.

    His editor has the job of making the right rite copyright
    before the copyright can be right.

    Should Tom Wright decide to write right rite, then
    Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the
    right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy
    Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright
    would have the right to right.
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  6. #1336
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    caves of bedrock
    Posts
    3,129

    Default

    i m not going any way near that copy your are writing...:confused:
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
    icq : 203189004
    jabber : asklepios20@jabber.org
    =======================
    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
    Customized for 1024x768

  7. #1337
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A hunter was combing the woods for the elusive
    Sasquatch. After some time, he comes across an old
    Indian chief. The chief asks the hunter what he is looking
    for, and the hunter tells him: "Sasquatch."

    Not knowing what this Sasquatch was, he asked the
    hunter to describe it.

    "Well, it's big, hairy, and probably stinks real bad," says
    the hunter.

    The chief thought for a few moments, and replied: "What
    you looking for not called Sasquatch, it
    called Squaw Snatch!"
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  8. #1338
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    6,297

    Default

    The Barbie doll enjoys being one of the worlds most popular toys. However, along the way to getting that status, there were a number of doll variations that never quite made it. This is a list of the Barbie dolls that you most likely haven't seen on store shelves lately...

    1) Scratch and Sniff Barbie (Use your imagination...we're not saying a word.)

    2) Crash Test Barbie

    3) Opera Barbie (complete with the horns and the brass brassiere)

    4) Marie Antionette Barbie (with removable head; guillotine included)

    5) Hiroshima Barbie (just a shadow of her former self)

    6) East German Swim Team Barbie (a Barbie head on a Ken doll)

    7) Frozen Barbie on a Stick (in your grocer's frozen food section)

    8) Forrest Gump Ken (Pull his string and he complains for two and a half boring hours.)

    9) Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's crap)

    10) Broken Bungee Barbie [picture of a Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement]

    11) FrankenBarbie [pic of green Barbie with bolts through her neck]

    12) Shock Therapy Barbie (car battery and wires included)

    13) Samuel L. Jackson Ken (He'll get medieval on your a**.)

    14) Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives)

    15) Biker Barbie (We're talking Harleys, not Stumpjumpers.)

    16) Fat Barbie, in the following three varieties: a) Big Butt Barbie b) Love Handles Barbie c) More Chins than a Chinese Phone Book Barbie

    17) Peg Leg Barbie

    18) Eye Patch Barbie

    19) Politically Incorrect Barbie (Pull the string and she loudly blurts all your favorite racial slurs.)

    20) Death Row Barbie

    21) Life Size Anatomically Correct Barbie (for all you perverts out there)

    22) Grunge Barbie (with flannel shirt and a goatee)

    23) Homeless Barbie (complete with stolen K-Mart shopping cart)

    24) Tattoo Barbie [pic of Barbie with tattoos all over her back]

    25) Burn Victim Barbie (bandages and Bactine included)

    26) Venus de Milo Barbie (made of rock; no head, no arms)

    27) Bulemic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!)

    28) Cyberpunk Barbie (includes 'trodes and implants)

    29) White Trash Barbie

    30) KKK Barbie (see #29)

    31) Tammy Fae Barbie (WAY too much makeup)

    32) Serial Killer Barbie

    33) Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses.)

    34) Cannibal Barbie (Great visual imagery, huh?)

    35) Fast Food Barbie (Also known as McBarbie...you want fries with that?)

    36) Teenage Slut Barbie (see #21)

    37) Domestic Abuse Barbie (black eye)

    38) Ski Bunny Barbie (soon to be #56)

    39) Sucking Chest Wound Barbie [pic of same]

    40) Alien Barbie (Don't tell ANYONE...)

    41) Mafia Ken (With a violin case...you got a problem with that?)

    42) Alcoholic Barbie

    43) Mutant Barbie (Professor Xavier's daughter: bald as a billiard ball, wearing a Dark Phoenix costume)

    44) Las Vegas Showgirl Barbie [pic of doll in skimpy dress]

    45) FemmiNazi Barbie (Pull the string and find out why men suck.)

    46) Napoleon Ken (stands 2" tall)

    47) Midget Barbie (partner to #46)

    48) Ebola Barbie (Twelve hours after opening she'll be reduced to nothing.)

    49) Spank-Me Barbie (see #36)

    50) Shish-Ka-Barbie (Here's one we'd all like to see!)

    51) Knocked-Up Barbie [pic of Barbie with big belly]

    52) Chain Smoker Barbie (with Surgeon General's warning on box)

    53) Tough B*tch Barbie (see #15)

    54) Junkie Barbie (Gotta love those needle tracks...)

    55) Iron Maiden Barbie (not the band, the device)

    56) Avalanche Barbie (buried in 16 feet of snow)

    57) Hooker Barbie (#44 after the show)

    58) Cross-Dressing Ken, er, Barbie, er, Ken (Who knows?)

    59) Whoopie Cushion Barbie (Do you really need a description?)

    60) LAPD Barbie (Comes with two nightsticks, in case one gets broken subduing a suspect. Taser also available.)

    61) Microsoft Barbie [pic of Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head]

    62) Realistic Teenage Barbie (flat chest, braces, and acne)

    63) Body-Piercing Barbie

    64) Breast Cancer Barbie (shaved head, hospital gown, one breast)

    65) Tasmanian Barbie (spins like a top)

    66) Siamese Twins Barbie

    67) Edible Barbie (also known as Choc-O-Barbie)

    68) Hockey Barbie (Looks like #37 with a hockey stick and missing teeth.)

    69) Triple Bypass Barbie

    70) Lance Ito Ken (with beard, robe, and entirely too much advertising)

    71) Marsha Clark Barbie (with a bad haircut and a bad attitude)

    72) Diarrhea Barbie (Always on the run.)

    73) Kleptomaniac Barbie [pic of doll with suction cup hands]

    74) Barbie of Borg (You will buy one. Resistance is futile.)

    75) Witch Doctor Barbie (see #34)

    76) Elvira Barbie [pic of doll with skimpy black gown and long, black hair]

    77) Werewolf Barbie (normal doll, except under a full moon)

    78) Living Dead Barbie (use your imagination)

    79) Bigfoot Barbie (sold mostly in the Northwest)

    80) Cyclops Barbie (One eye, right in the middle of her forehead.)

    81) Cyclops Ken (A perfect partner for #43.)

    82) Flying Hero Barbie (Yes, I know they made this one, but it's at least as ludicrous as anything we came up with.)

    83) Spock Ken (pointy ears, one eyebrow raised)

    84) Hippie Barbie (complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia)

    85) Knifing Victim Barbie (Bears a striking resemblance to...oh, never mind.)

    86) Head Trauma Barbie (I don't even want to talk about that one.)

    87) Leprosy Barbie (with removable appendages)

    88) Mortal Kombat Barbie (includes more blood than you can even imagine)

    89) Iron Lung Barbie

    90) Texas Necktie Barbie (with gallows)

    91) Safari Barbie (With rifle, pith helmet, and pygmy guide.)

    92) Steroid Barbie (The rest of her physique is as exaggerated as her bust is on the normal doll!)

    93) Rock Climbing Barbie (#10 with climbing gear)

    94) Militant Femminist Barbie (#45 with an assault rifle)

    95) Paraplegic Barbie (Her legs don't move.)

    96) Quadraplegic Barbie (Neither do her arms.)

    97) Cadaver Barbie (removable internal organs)

    98) Hunchback Barbie (Pull the string and she cries, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!")

    99) Nancy Kerrigan Barbie (Her knees bend backwards.)

  9. #1339
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    6,297

    Default

    continued

    100) Tonya Harding Barbie (You didn't think we'd sell one without the other, did you?)

    101) Barbie Brain in a Jar [pic of an empty jar]

    102) Circus Clown Barbie (Looks almost identical to #31.)

    103) Human Cannonball Barbie (complete with spring-loaded cannon that will shoot her 15-20 eet.)

    104) Lion Tamer Barbie (Lion is included. Barbie's head is not.)

    105) Freak Show Barbie

    106) Bearded Barbie [pic of same]

    107) Elephant Trainer Barbie (squashed flat)

    108) Bladder Control Barbie (comes with a free box of Depends undergarments)

    109) Chernobyl Barbie (glows in the dark)

    110) Jabba the Barbie [pic of Jabba with a Barbie head]

    111) Princess Leia Barbie [pic of Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars]

    112) Darth Vader Barbie (Plastic helmet; pull the string and she sounds like James Earl Jones.)

    113) Wookie Barbie (obnoxious blonde hair everywhere)

    114) Sharon Stone Barbie (Is there a difference?)

    115) 'Arnold' Ken (big and buff, no neck)

    116) Rush Limbarbie (Big, no neck, but not buff. See also #16.)

    117) Godzilla Barbie (six foot tall lizard with Barbie head)

    118) King Kong Barbie (six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed like Fae Rae)

    119) T2 Barbie (a study in silver)

    120) Bugs Barbie (buck teeth, long ears)

    121) Elmer Fudd Ken (bald with hunting hat and rifle)

    122) Joker Barbie [pic of Barbie with Joker grin and white face]

    123) Two-Face Barbie [pic of Barbie with Tommy Lee Jones' makeup from Batman Forever]

    124) Dirty Harry Barbie (Comes with large caliber pistol; pull the string and she says, "Go ahead. >giggle< Make my day!")

    125) Power Ranger Barbie (has the riculous outfit and karate-chop action)

    126) Teenage Mutant Ninja Barbie [pic of one of the Turtles with Barbie head]

    127) One-Eyed-Head-on-a-Spider-Made-from-an-Erector-Set-Barbie (just what it sounds like)

    128) Potato(e) Head Barbie (also just what it sounds like)

    129) Picasso Barbie (Everything's in the wrong place.)

    130) Steamroller Barbie (looks a lot like #107)

    131) Roadkill Barbie (looks like #130 but with tire tracks)

    132) Tail Hook Barbie (naval uniform with a VERY short skirt)

    133) Backdraft Ken (perfect partner for #25)

    134) Stuntman Ken (comes with lots of Band-Aids)

    135) Spear-through-the-Head-Barbie (formerly #91)

    136) Bow-Legged Barbie (High Stepper not included.)

    137) Amazon Barbie [pic of Barbie in a leopard skin outfit]

    138) Shark Attack Barbie (Oh, must we describe everything for you?)

    139) Stampede Barbie (We're not talking about the rodeo in Calgary here...)

    140) Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer (an excellent Holiday gift idea)

    141) Disco Barbie

    142) Trailer Park Barbie (For the parent who wants to show their child what grown-up life is really going to be like.)

    143) Hypothermia Barbie (formerly #56)

    144) Battering Ram Barbie [pic of Barbie's head on the end of a battering ram]

    145) Joan of Arc Barbie (comes with stake, kindling, and matches)

    146) Rastafarian Barbie (She has dreadlocks and ganja, mon.)

    147) Brickhouse Barbie (Built like a brick sh...well, you know.)

    148) Medusa Barbie [pic of Barbie with snakes for hair]

    149) Gangsta Barbie (complete set of Raiders apparel and rap cassette included)

    150) Mafia Barbie (Feet set in cement--she really sinks!)

    151) Statue of Liberty Barbie (tall, green, corroded)

    152) Cartoon-style 'Hit-in-the-Head-with-a-Falling-Anvil' Barbie (see #127)

    153) Barney Barbie (Bloated, plush, and purple; pull the string and she spouts inane drivel.)

    154) Junkyard Barbie (A little like #23, but meaner.)

    155) Cut-the-Lady-in-Half-Magic-Trick-that-Went-Wrong Barbie (see #152)

    156) Banzai Barbie (a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely resembles Barbie)

    157) Tree Hugger Barbie (Pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric.)

    158) Ballistic Missile Barbie (like #103, but more so)

    159) Saloon Barbie [pic of doll dressed like Old West Saloon girl]

    160) Green Giant Barbie [pic of Green Giant with Barbie's head--or vice versa]

    161) Tool Time Barbie (Includes tool belt, which she has no idea how to use.)

    162) P.O.W. Barbie (undernourished, tortured, and shell-shocked)

    163) Lumberjack Barbie (sleeps all night, works all day)

    164) Blockhead Barbie [pic of doll with Charlie Brown's head]

    165) Organ Donor Barbie (Just like #97, but not dead yet.)

    166) Jock Barbie (Looks like Dennis Rodman.)

    167) Sears Tower Window Washer Barbie (see #10)

    168) Baler Barbie (Wrapped in twine; also known as Farm Accident Barbie.)

    169) Oscar Meyer Barbie [pic of Barbie on a bun]

    170) Easter Island Barbie (the famous statue with blonde hair)

    171) Banjo Barbie (complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs cassette)

    172) Mick Jagger Barbie [pic of Mick with Barbie's head (but Mick's lips)]

    173) Headgear Barbie (guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better)

    174) Albino Barbie

    175) Neon Deion Barbie (It costs $35 million, and you just know some idiot's going to buy it...)

  10. #1340
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Washington state
    Posts
    993

    Default

    Get close to the screen and stare at the doorway for about a few minutes

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •