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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1351
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiggo's-sister
    Congrats.....I hear-by present you with the gold medal for 1000 posts.....
    Are post counts still working for some people ??
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  2. #1352
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    Two women are new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.

    First woman-- "I froze to death.

    Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

    First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

    Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

    First woman -- "So what happened?"

    Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over and died with a massive heart attack."

    First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."
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  3. #1353
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    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
    He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers .. cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So....I figure if I have to roll my own .. so does she."
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  4. #1354
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    A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
    One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
    The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
    The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is MOLASSES!"
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  5. #1355
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    Thanx WS and Dryadsoul!
    No dryadsoul, I m still the best thing for my dog! :(

    Quote Originally Posted by E^vol
    Are post counts still working for some people ??
    its working for every one :?:
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
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    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
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    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
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  6. #1356
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    Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
    "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

    "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

    "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

    "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

    "Three? When were they?"

    "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

    "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

    "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

    "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

    "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
    icq : 203189004
    jabber : asklepios20@jabber.org
    =======================
    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
    Customized for 1024x768

  7. #1357
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    For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
    For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
    For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
    For those who have not yet had children, this is a call for birth control.

    The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
    Things I've Learned From My Children (Honest & No Kidding):

    1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
    2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
    3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
    4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.......It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
    5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
    6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
    7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
    8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
    9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
    10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
    11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
    12. Super glue is forever.
    13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
    14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
    15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
    16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
    17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
    18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
    19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
    20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
    21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
    22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
    23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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  8. #1358
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    Quote Originally Posted by asklepios
    Originally posted by E^vol
    Are post counts still working for some people ??
    its working for every one :?:
    Not me !!! ???
    I wonder how many posts I have these days....
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  9. #1359
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    you have 735!!!!

    go to your profile and click on "Search for all posts by this user".
    :thumb:
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
    icq : 203189004
    jabber : asklepios20@jabber.org
    =======================
    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
    Customized for 1024x768

  10. #1360
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    Quote Originally Posted by asklepios
    go to your profile and click on "Search for all posts by this user".
    Thanks. I didn't see that before.
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