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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1361
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    When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
    When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
    In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
    When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
    When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
    When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
    I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with big ****.
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  2. #1362
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    Originally posted by asklepios
    go to your profile and click on "Search for all posts by this user".
    :thumb:
    Well, according to this.........i am 62......63 ahead of ya Asklepios
    first time i ever bothered to check :rofl:
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

  3. #1363
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    A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
    About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
    The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
    "Do you think it will work?" she asks.
    "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
    After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
    "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?"
    "You gave birth to a child!"
    "But that's impossible!" says the priest.
    "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
    About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.
    One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
    The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
    The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
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  4. #1364
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    In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
    "You talk?" he asks.
    "Yep," the mutt replies.
    "So, what's your story?"
    The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    The owner says, "Ten dollars."
    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
    The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that ****"
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  5. #1365
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    Quote Originally Posted by dryadsoul
    Well, according to this.........i am 62......63 ahead of ya Asklepios
    first time i ever bothered to check :rofl:
    u r 1006 and i m 1015. how come u r ahead of me? :?:
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  6. #1366
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    1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

    2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

    3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

    4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

    5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!

    6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

    7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

    8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

    9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

    10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

    11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

    12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

    13. Keep talking; someday you'll say something intelligent!

    14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

    15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

    16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.

    17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

    18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!

    19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.

    20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.

    21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

    22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!

    23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?

    24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

    25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

    26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

    27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
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  7. #1367
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    Quote Originally Posted by asklepios
    u r 1006 and i m 1015. how come u r ahead of me? :?:
    mex muse mme.......removes foot from mouth, excuse me while i snack on this size 11 C Clarks sandal..............talk to ya again in say...........3 maybe 4 hours :barf: :shh: :rofl:
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

  8. #1368
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    A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a
    lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every
    morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it
    was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that
    nothing was being stolen.

    Things were going along very well the first night on the job until
    a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through the gate.
    Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is
    stealing with that newspaper. So he romoved the paper only to find
    nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangley, so he
    questioned him about the paper.

    "I get a little extra mponey from newspapers I recycle, so I go
    into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown
    away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on
    him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
    Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the
    wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard
    would always check and find nothing.

    Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work
    only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report
    to the supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and
    before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

    "Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

    "It was your job to make sure that no one stole anythin from this
    plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

    "Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole
    anything from this place while I was on guard."

    "Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you count for the
    fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

  9. #1369
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    One day three men were walking along and came upon a large raging,
    violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea
    of how to do it. The first man prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD,
    give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! GOD gave him big arms
    and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two
    hours.

    Seeing this, the second man prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD,
    give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! GOD gave
    him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an
    hour.

    The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so
    he also prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD, give me the strength,
    ability and intelligence to cross this river." And, poof! GOD turned
    him into a woman.

    She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

  10. #1370
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    A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you", she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
    The blind man walks into the bathroom and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to keep these blinds?"
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
    icq : 203189004
    jabber : asklepios20@jabber.org
    =======================
    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
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