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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1381
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    1: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
    intercourse?

    2: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

    3: What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long,
    has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow
    it?

    4: What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

    5: Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one
    of which is a word for a woman?

    6: What does a dog do that you can step into?

    7: What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you
    can't get one you can use your hands?

    8: What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

    9: What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of
    birdcages?

    10: What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than
    on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife
    after they're married?

    ..


    ..


    ..



    Answers:

    1. Talk.
    2. Legs.
    3. A twenty dollar bill.
    4. Firetruck.
    5. Bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt.
    6. Pants.
    7. Fork.
    8. Almond Joy candy bar.
    9. Grit.
    10. Last name.

  2. #1382
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    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its beak and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

  3. #1383
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    1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

    2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

    3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
    Woman: "No thanks. There's already one ******* in there."

    4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down when a guy asked a
    girl to dance and she refused:
    Man: "Want to Dance?"
    Woman: "No, thank you."
    Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."

    5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."
    Man: "But I don't know your name."
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

    6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
    Woman: "Female impersonator."

    7.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
    Woman: (tries to ignore him)
    Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"
    Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
    Man: (nods his head smiling)
    Woman: "Then go take a f**kin' hike!!!"

    8.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
    Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized."

    9.) After hearing a pick-up line:
    Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

    10.) A friend once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a
    club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been
    all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the
    first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

  4. #1384
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If you're stressed, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

    1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    2. Well, aren't we just a ray of f*cking sunshine?

    3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

    4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

    5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

    6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

    7. Do I look like a f*cking people person?

    8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

    10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

    11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

    12. You! Off my planet!

    13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

    14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

    15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

    16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

    17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

    18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

    19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

    20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

    22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

    23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

    24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

    25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

    26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

    28. Better living through denial.

    29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

    31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

    32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

    33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

    34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

    35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

    38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

    39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

    40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

    41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

    42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

    43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

    44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

    45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

    46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

    47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

    48. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.

    49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

    50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*ck you!

    51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

    52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

    54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

    56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

    57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic ***** just like you.

    58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

    59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

    60. You look like ****. Is that the style now?

    61. This is a mean, f*cking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

    62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

    63. Earth is full. Go home.

    64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

    65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

    66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

    67. I plead contemporary insanity.

    68. And which dwarf are you?

    69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

    70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

    71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

    73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

    74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

  5. #1385
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    A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach
    contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce
    settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.

    She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

    The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles
    to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will
    give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because
    he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband
    ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

    The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly
    fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for
    a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds
    herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.
    The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the
    recipient of 10 billion dollars.

    The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her
    second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion
    on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it
    was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that her
    ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points
    down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

    Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate
    her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on
    her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make
    the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie
    again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times
    what she wishes for.

    No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For
    my last wish... "Id like to give birth to twins".

  6. #1386
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    yikes...:eek:
    that must have hurt...i m talking about the husband :devil win :rofl:
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  7. #1387
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    and another punch line is the woman asking for a mild heart attack :rofl:

  8. #1388
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    Actual writings on hospital charts:

    1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband
    states she was very hot in bed last night.

    2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
    over a year.

    3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
    day it disappeared.

    4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
    appears to be depressed.

    5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
    in 1993.

    6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

    7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally
    alert butforgetful.

    8. The patient refused autopsy.

    9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

    10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
    hospital.

    11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
    insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
    three days.

    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
    lunch.

    13. She is numb from her toes down.

    14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

    15. The skin was moist and dry.

    16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

    19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
    her life, until she got a divorce.

    20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
    for physical therapy.

    21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
    accommodation.

    22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
    sized.

    23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
    took a job as a stock broker instead.

    25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

    26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

    27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
    we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

    28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
    abnormalities.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Movie Ratings Explained
    =================

    G: Nobody gets the girl.

    PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

    R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

    X: Everybody Gets The Girl.

    XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their ****er
    spaniel.

  9. #1389
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    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
    passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had
    an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

    One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became
    apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll
    never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like
    this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

    Shortly after that they were married.

    A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke
    down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife
    and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his
    way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of
    baked beans overwhelmed him.

    Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could
    walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in
    and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of
    baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he
    arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
    She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise
    for you for dinner tonight!"

    She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the
    head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

    At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming
    on.

    Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the
    telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until
    she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted
    his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but
    ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he
    felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

    He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
    on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a
    diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from
    gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell
    would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue
    ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table
    rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were
    dead.

    While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the
    hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
    carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and
    fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone
    farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his
    hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture
    of innocence when his wife walked in.

    Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked
    at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked,
    she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

    To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests
    seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

  10. #1390
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    My son Earl is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a
    scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of
    the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches.

    Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working.
    Then he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs
    reading,

    9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.

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