Please report all spam threads, posts and suspicious members. We receive spam notifications and will take immediate action!
Page 14 of 157 FirstFirst ... 412131415162464114 ... LastLast
Results 131 to 140 of 1561

Thread: Jokes.




  1. #131
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the
    soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens,"
    he said, "what is this?"

    "Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

    "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  2. #132
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    More than 100%
    ==============

    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%."
    Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of
    all,
    here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one
    achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.

    IF :

    A = 1
    B = 2
    C = 3
    D = 4
    E = 5
    F = 6
    G = 7
    H = 8
    I = 9
    J = 10
    K = 11
    L = 12
    M = 13
    N = 14
    O = 15
    P = 16
    Q = 17
    R = 18
    S = 19
    T = 20
    U = 21
    V = 22
    W = 23
    X = 24
    Y = 25
    Z = 26


    Then:

    H A R D W O R K =
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%

    Similarly,

    K N O W L E D G E =
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

    But interesting (and as you'd expect),

    A T T I T U D E =
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

    But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

    B U L L S H I T =
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management,
    and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  3. #133
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    <center>Rain or Snow</center>

    A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
    "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
    "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
    "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
    Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
    Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
    "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
    As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
    "It's raining, of course", Rudolph replied, and walked on.
    But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!",
    To which her husband replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  4. #134
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    You know you're really broke when...
    ====================================

    American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

    Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a
    restaurant.

    You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

    You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with
    Abe Lincoln.

    Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

    You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in
    tennis shoes.

    Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

    You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

    You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

    Your bologna has no first name.

    You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

    Sally Struther's sends you food.

    McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

    At communion you go back for seconds.

    You wash your toilet paper.

    You have to save up to be poor.

    You're in college.

    On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a
    thanksgiving meal.

    You owe yourself money.

    Your imaginary friend has more money than you
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  5. #135
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Short But Sweet
    ===============

    A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you
    know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes
    bulging?"

    ***

    "I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better
    with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."


    ***

    Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
    Guest: I'll make my own bed.
    Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

    ***

    In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
    In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
    year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

    ***

    Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
    "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must
    have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but
    I'd sure love to blow his mind."

    ***

    Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her
    husband's away!

    ***

    "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh
    ground."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  6. #136
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A young man is lost and walking in the desert. One hot day, he spots the
    home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and
    collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to
    health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the
    nearest town. On his way out, he sees the missionaries horse. He goes back
    into the house and asks the him if he could borrow his horse. The
    missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You
    have to say `Thank God' to make it go and `Amen' to make it stop." Not
    paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse
    and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank
    God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the
    man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.
    Pretty soon he sees a cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to
    make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers,
    "Amen!!"
    The horse stops four inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the
    saddle and says, "Thank God."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  7. #137
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A local charity office realized that it had never received a
    donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The
    person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him
    to contribute.

    "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
    $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you
    like to give back to the community in some way?"

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
    did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
    long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her
    annual income?"

    Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no."

    "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined
    to a wheelchair?"

    The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was
    interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic
    accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her
    penniless withthree children?!"

    The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
    idea..."

    On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't
    give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?"
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  8. #138
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    my pen is a pistola.
    Posts
    412

    Default

    A woman goes into her gynecologist's office, and is a little nervous. her doctor comes in and can tell she is a bit on edge, so he says "is there anything wrong?" and she says "im just a little nervous, the exams are always a little uncomfortable" and he says "ok, would you like me to numb it up a bit then?" and she says that would be great. so then he....drops his head between her legs..
    "num num num num num num!"

    hahaha
    [space saving sig]
    AMD 0wn3z j00!
    [/space saving sig]

  9. #139
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    ROFLMAO!!!!
    Trust you to come up with something like that
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  10. #140
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    193

    Default

    LOL, num num num. :laugh:
    Onyx

    TweakTown
    OCAU - Overclockers Australia
    CPF - CandlePower Forums

    Antec 1080AMG with 430W TruePower

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •