Please report all spam threads, posts and suspicious members. We receive spam notifications and will take immediate action!
Page 140 of 157 FirstFirst ... 4090130138139140141142150 ... LastLast
Results 1,391 to 1,400 of 1561

Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1391
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A judge was instructing the jury that a witness
    was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful
    because he changed his statement after he gave
    it to the police.

    "For example," he said, "when I entered my
    chambers today, I was positive that I had my
    gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered
    that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

    When the judge returned home that evening,
    his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your
    watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up
    for you a bit extreme?"

    "What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone
    for my watch, let alone three people. What happened?"

    "I gave it to the first one," said the wife.
    "He knew exactly where it was, so I figured you
    sent him."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    Men are Like
    ============


    MEN ARE LIKE...Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the
    first time, you can walk all over them for years

    MEN ARE LIKE...Bank Accounts, without a lot of money,
    they dont generate much interest

    MEN ARE LIKE...Blenders, you need one, but you're not
    quite sure why

    MEN ARE LIKE...Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they
    usually head right for your hips.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and
    can keep you up all night long.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Commercials, you cant believe a word they
    say.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Computers, hard to figure out and never
    have enough memory.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Coolers, load them with beer and you can
    take them anywhere.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Copiers, you need them for reproduction,
    but thats about it.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Curling Irons, they're always hot and
    they're always in your hair.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Cement, after getting laid they take
    along time to get hard.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Government Bonds, they take so long to
    mature.

    MEN ARE LIKE...High Heels, they're easy to walk on once
    you get the hang of it.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Horoscopes, they always tell you what to
    do and are usually wrong.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all
    that bright.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Mascara, they usually run at the first
    sign of emotion.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Parking Spots, the good ones are already
    taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely
    small.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a
    little while.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Place Mats, they only show up when
    there's food on the table.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Snow Storms, you never know when they're
    coming, how many inches youll get or how long they will last.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap
    and unreliable.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Bank Machines, once they withdraw they
    lose interest.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Bananas, the older they get, the less
    firm they are.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Newborn Babies, they're cute at first,
    but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Crystal, some look real good, but you can
    still see right thru them.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no
    ring.

    MEN ARE LIKE...Laxatives, they irritate the sh*t out of you.

  2. #1392
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    111

    Default

    those of you that grew up with m$ will appreciate this flash.
    click on all the options.

    http://guggemand.dk/flash/27549_winrg.swf

  3. #1393
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Kidnapping
    ==========

    A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
    decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
    playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've
    kidnapped you."

    She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
    morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
    next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A
    Blonde."

    The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home
    to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and
    sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The
    Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
    "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------

    Caught The Husband
    ==================

    "Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you
    caught your husband with another woman?"

    "Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over.

    "Let's see. I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to
    take her back to the institution she escaped from."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    An Unusual Shopping Trip
    ========================

    A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food.
    She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout
    counter. The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but
    we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a
    cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the
    management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for
    your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up the cat
    and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
    The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again
    the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because
    sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought
    in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she
    brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old
    lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
    cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The
    little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
    that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the
    box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That
    smells like ****." The little old lady said, "It is!. Now can
    I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

    ------------------------------------------------------------


    and now for the best of the best.............

    Stupid Blone Jokes
    ==================

    [PG]





    This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
    these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
    so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
    smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
    going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

    The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
    down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
    smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
    room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
    He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
    the same time.

    He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
    what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
    that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
    painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
    over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
    directions on the paint can and they said....


    (scroll down)...








    FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

  4. #1394
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything
    and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can
    do.
    Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.
    So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove
    that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells
    the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste.
    I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"
    The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to
    himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What
    you need is jar number 43."
    Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.
    So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith
    to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits
    it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
    "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,"
    says the doctor.
    So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.
    One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor
    along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I
    can't remember!"
    Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches
    his head and mumbles to himself a little
    and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar
    number 43..."

  5. #1395
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    caves of bedrock
    Posts
    3,129

    Default

    Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China.
    They decided to become American citizens and "Americanize" thier names.

    Bu called himself "Buck".

    Chu called himself "Chuck".

    Fu decided to return to China.
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
    icq : 203189004
    jabber : asklepios20@jabber.org
    =======================
    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
    Customized for 1024x768

  6. #1396
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    caves of bedrock
    Posts
    3,129

    Default

    can u believe things ppl do???? i was sitting next to this guy in church...in the middle of the prayer he lit a ciggarete..i was so shocked...i nearly dropped my beer!!!!
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
    icq : 203189004
    jabber : asklepios20@jabber.org
    =======================
    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
    Customized for 1024x768

  7. #1397
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up,
    hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined
    to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the
    facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
    The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his
    chance to show everyone he means business!

    The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how
    much money do you make a week?"

    Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
    "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

    The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and
    screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and
    don't come back!"

    Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO
    looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone
    want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

    With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
    "He's the pizza delivery guy."


    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Mushrooms
    =========

    'I was married 3 times', explained the man to a
    newly discovered drinking partner, 'and I'll never
    marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison
    mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.'

    'That's a shame.' said his friend , 'How did it happen?'

    'She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.'

  8. #1398
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    111

    Default

    i really liked the last joke, here is another twisty fer ya.


    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a ***** to death with the chair!"

  9. #1399
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared
    four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct
    the first day's mistake.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    MONDAY:
    For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
    Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives
    with him cheap.

    TUESDAY Notice:
    We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
    It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone
    948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

    WEDNESDAY Notice:
    R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying
    telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
    yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
    "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap.
    Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves
    with him."

    THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.
    I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone
    disconnected.
    I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she
    was my housekeeper but she quit!
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Annual Checkup
    ==============

    An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him
    how he's feeling.

    "I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an
    eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you
    think about that"?

    The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you
    a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
    But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella
    instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear
    appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear
    and squeezes the handle.

    The bear drops dead in front of him."

    "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."

    "Exactly."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two Shots
    =========

    A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one and
    mumbles, "This is for the shame." Then, she downs the second one and
    mumbles, "This is for the glory."

    A short while later, the woman orders two more shots. Again, she downs the
    first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame." Then, she downs the second
    one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."

    Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am, I was just wondering...
    what's this about shame and glory?"

    "Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in the nude. And, when I
    bent over to pick up the vacuum, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."

    "That must be the shame," the bartender smirked.

    "No, that was the glory," replied the woman. "The shame was when we got
    locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

  10. #1400
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    caves of bedrock
    Posts
    3,129

    Default

    Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

    Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
    icq : 203189004
    jabber : asklepios20@jabber.org
    =======================
    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
    Customized for 1024x768

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •