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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1401
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    oops

  2. #1402
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    Parrot Prayers
    ==============


    This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence,
    which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time,
    embarrassing the owner to no end.

    Finally, He went to his parish priest and told him of his
    parrot problem. The priest replied, "I have a parrot who
    also only knows one sentence. He always says, 'Let us pray.'
    Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your
    parrot will be praying by the end of the day."

    So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to
    the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priests
    parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's make Love."

    The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said,
    "My prayers have been answered."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Chicken-humpers
    =================


    A parrot developed the bad habit of humping the farmer's hens, making them
    quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull
    out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again
    catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot bald. The
    following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner. She thinks it would
    be unique if the parrot greeted the guests and told them where to go. She
    had spent nearly a year training the parrot for this. As the guests began
    entering, the parrot dutifully announced, "Ladies to the right! Gentlemen
    to the left!" Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot says, "And you
    two chicken-humpers get up here with me."

  3. #1403
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    A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby
    delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
    new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour
    pain to the father.

    He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
    much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to
    10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
    than the father had ever experienced before.

    But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
    doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
    adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
    feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
    was amazed at how well he was doing.

    At this point they decided to try for 50%.

    The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
    helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
    doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
    healthy baby with virtually no pain.

    She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the
    mailman was dead on their porch.

  4. #1404
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    Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid
    your life of these clowns for good...

    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
    bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

    2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad
    you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have
    all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are
    sore, my dog just died . . . "

    3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
    spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
    ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,
    how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
    if they are married, how many kids they have etc. Continue asking
    them personal questions or questions about their company for as
    long as necessary.

    4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
    is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
    with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
    have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
    moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know
    you from.

    6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one,
    and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This
    is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
    Friends Plan reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
    have any friends, would you be my friend?"

    8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
    Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

    9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
    to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
    can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or
    her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot
    participate.

    11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
    Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and
    then hang up.

    12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if
    he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call
    him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers
    cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want
    anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree
    and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

    13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

    14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
    hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at
    your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
    dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and
    dishes is recommended.

    15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask
    if they could bring you some beer.

    16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

    17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should
    probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

    18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
    joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
    momma?"

    19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak
    up... louder... louder!

    20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write
    every word down.

  5. #1405
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    Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do...

    Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
    But unlike most people she did something about it.

    The $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired
    almost the same telephone number as Leola.

    From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not
    for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt
    that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its
    number.

    Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not
    change its stationery.

    The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number,
    and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24
    hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on
    deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

    At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the
    motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa
    said, "No problem. How many nights?"

    A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite
    with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the
    Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a
    night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the
    hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola
    said. "We trust you."

    The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked
    an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day
    weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne
    veterans from World War II.

    Her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called
    to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

    Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if
    she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to
    take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel
    to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet
    parking came up.

    Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet
    parking, but we always recomend that the client tips the drivers."

    Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
    People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet
    Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

    Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that
    the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from
    Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the
    motel."

    Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the
    telephone number."

  6. #1406
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    This little Jedi mind trick is kinda freaky, till you think about it a little
    while. Then it's even more weird. Just follow the instructions below:

    DON'T scroll down too fast -- do it slowly and follow the instructions below
    exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say the
    answers aloud quietly.







    FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!





































    What is:























































    2+2?



























































    4+4?











































































    8+8?















































































    16+16?























































    Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.























































    Got it?









    Now scroll down...



































































































    The number you picked was 7, right?




    Isn't that weird??




    Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge

  7. #1407
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    THIS IS A REALLY QUICK ONE!!
    MIND TRICK? (Or not)

    Have you ever wondered if your mind is
    normal or different?
    Well, do this little mind exercise and
    find out at the end!
    Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.
    Check out the following exercise,
    guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
    There's no trick or surprise.
    Just follow these instructions, and
    answer the questions
    one at a time and as quickly as you can. Again, as quickly
    as you can but don't advance until you've done each of
    them...really.
    Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss
    something)........


    What is:






    1+5







































    2+4













































    3+3












































    4+2













































    5+1












































    Now repeat saying the number 6 to
    yourself as fast as you can for
    15 seconds. Then scroll down.









































































    QUICK! THINK OF A VEGETABLE!
    Then arrow down.





































































    Keep going.



















































    You're thinking of a carrot, right?

    If not, you're among the 2% of the
    population whose minds are different
    enough to think of something else.
    98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.
    Freaky, huh?


    I've got to admit with both of these I answered with the same reply, very FREAKY!

  8. #1408
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    A woman walks into her bosses office with this complaint:

    "All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual
    harassment. Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you
    for discrimination."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Son Of A Magician
    =================

    "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school
    secretary on the first day of registration.

    "He's a magician," said the new boy.

    "How exciting. What's his best trick?"

    "He saws people in half."

    "How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or
    sisters?"

    "Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Mood Ring
    =========

    A husband bought his wife a mood ring the other day.

    When his wife is in a good mood, it turns green.

    When she is in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakkin' red
    mark on his forehead.

  9. #1409
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    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner
    and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    '"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

    "And what do you deduce from that?"

    Watson ponders for a minute.

    "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
    and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
    Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
    a quarter past three.
    Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
    Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a
    small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell
    you, Holmes?"

    Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
    has stolen our tent!"
    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

    Lead in the pencil
    ==================

    Two older men sat on a bench in the park. One said, "I
    hear that eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil."

    The other man said, "I don't like raw oysters, and to
    tell you the truth, I don't have any women to write
    to!"

  10. #1410
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    >>>An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread,
    >>>butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
    >>>
    >>>The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
    >>>conversation. French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
    >>>
    >>>American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
    >>>
    >>>French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat
    >>>what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
    >>>transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The
    >>>Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
    >>>
    >>>The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
    >>>
    >>>American: "Of Course."
    >>>
    >>>Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
    >>>In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
    >>>seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
    >>>and sell the jam to the states."
    >>>
    >>>The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
    >>>
    >>>Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
    >>>
    >>>American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
    >>>
    >>>Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
    >>>
    >>>American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle
    >>>them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."

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