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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1411
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    BODY MEETING


    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.


    "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".


    "I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


    "I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."


    "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


    "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."


    "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.


    Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


    The Moral of the story?


    The ******* is usually in charge

  2. #1412
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    After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the
    >paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer
    >declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the
    >wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power
    >windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The
    >farmer
    >need the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
    >
    >A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is
    >in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
    >
    >The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00
    >apiece. Come look at them and take your pick."
    >
    >The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few
    >hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on
    >one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.
    >
    >The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of
    >the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."
    >
    >"What extras?" asked the salesman.
    >
    >Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the
    >cow..........
    >
    >BASIC COW..............................$500.00
    >Two tone exterior.....................$45.00
    >Extra stomach...........................$75.00
    >Product storing equipment..........$60.00
    >Sraw compartment....................$120.00
    >4 Spigots @$10 ea....................$40.00
    >Leather upholstery....................$125.00
    >Dual horns................................$45.00
    >Automatic fly swatter.................$38.00
    >fertilizer attachment...................$185.00
    >
    >GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00

  3. #1413
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    >An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles
    >north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he
    >was
    >speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and
    >he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to
    >be late.
    >
    >The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
    >driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
    >ticket.
    >The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead
    >and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some
    >flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The
    >juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and
    >handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car
    >pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance
    >briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got
    >in.
    >The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
    >opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The
    >drunk replied, "Might as well take me on to jail, there's no way I can pass that test."

  4. #1414
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    A few minutes before church services start, everyone is sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, in a flash of light and a puff of smoke, Satan appears. The people scream and run out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. In seconds everyone is gone except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew.

    Satan walks up to the old man and says, "Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replies, "Yep, sure do."

    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.

    "Nope," says the man.

    "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan.

    "Don't doubt it for a minute."

    "Do you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.




    "Yep."

    "And you're still not afraid?"

    "Nope."

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

  5. #1415
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  6. #1416
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Taipei, Taiwan
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    A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the plane.
    The stranger turned to little Johnny and said, "Let's talk.
    I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
    conversation with your fellow passenger."
    Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.
    "How about nuclear power?"
    "OK," said little Johnny.

    "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff.

    Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

    Why do you suppose that is?"
    "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

    "Well, then," said little Johnny "How is it that you feel qualified
    to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know sh#!?"
    Cameron "Mr.Tweak" Wilmot
    Managing Director
    Tweak Town Pty Ltd

  7. #1417
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Posts
    3,141

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    ^ :laugh: good one..

  8. #1418

    Default

    ROFLMAO!

    Nice!


    Q: Whats blue and looks like a bucket?
    A: A blue bucket.


    Q: Whats red and looks like a bucket?
    A: A red bucket

    Q: Whats green and looks like a bucket?
    A: A red bucket in disguise.


    *BOOM BOOM CHING!*
    At the request of wiggo ;)

  9. #1419
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Posts
    4,246

    Default

    ^ : omg:
    I've gone too far and need to move on!

  10. #1420
    Beefy Guest

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    There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

    Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing and smiling and singing.

    What was he singing, you ask???

    (Get ready, it's good...)

    I can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone....

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