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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1421
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Posts
    8

    Default

    Hi everyone haven'r posted here in a very long time.

    A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.

    He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

    After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

    "No, no, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."


    ----------------------------------------------

    When i was born I had to chose between a big dick and a great memory

    I forgot which one i chose :D

  2. #1422
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Quebec, Canada
    Posts
    1,369

    Default

    While driving to the office this morning on the Highway,
    I looked over to my left and there was a
    Woman
    in a brand new
    Cadillac
    doing 65 mph
    with her
    face up next to her
    rear view mirror
    putting on her eyeliner.
    I looked away
    for a couple seconds
    and when I looked back she was
    halfway over in my lane,
    still working on that makeup.

    As a man,
    I don't scare easily.
    But she scared me so much;
    I dropped
    my electric shaver,
    which knocked
    the donut
    out of my other hand.
    In all
    the confusion of trying
    to straighten out the car
    using my knees against
    the steering wheel,
    it knocked
    my cell phone
    away from my ear
    which fell
    into the coffee
    between my legs,
    splashed,
    and burned
    Big Jim and the Twins,
    ruined the damn phone,
    soaked my trousers,
    and disconnected an
    important call.

    Damn women drivers ! !
    SPAM Special Ops

  3. #1423
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Quebec, Canada
    Posts
    1,369

    Default

    These were from actual classified ads.

    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
    ----------------------------------
    FREE PUPPIES: ½ ****ER SPANIEL ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
    -----------------------------
    FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
    ------------------------------
    GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
    -------------------------------------
    FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE...
    BETTER BE A REWARD.
    -----------------------------------
    1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
    --------------------------
    SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
    ------------------------------
    COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
    -------------------------------
    NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
    -------------------------------------
    HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER -"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
    ----------------------------------------
    GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
    ------------------------------------------
    NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
    ---------------------------------------
    TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND
    FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
    -------------------------------------------
    EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS &BOX SPRINGS - $175.
    -------------------------------------------
    JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &DRYER $300.
    --------------------------------------
    ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
    -------------------------------------------
    OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE &DONUTS.
    --------------------------------------
    SPAM Special Ops

  4. #1424
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Quebec, Canada
    Posts
    1,369

    Default

    The Mommy Test

    I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

    "Why?"

    "Because it's been laying outside and it's dirty and probably has
    germs."

    At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

    "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "Everyone knows this stuff." "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."

    "Oh."

    We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

    "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."

    Out of the mouth of Babes!!!
    SPAM Special Ops

  5. #1425
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

    Default

    An Italian man walks into a bank in downtown Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

    The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

    The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The Italian replies: "Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

  6. #1426
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Posts
    3,141

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Wiggo
    "Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for only .41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
    :rofl: Priceless..! :rofl:

  7. #1427
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Sick Of Life
    ============

    In N.Y.C. a young girl got so depressed & sick of
    life she decided to end it all. She makes her way to a pier on the
    southern tip of Manhattan & is about to jump off, when a young
    sailor approaches & grabs her. He shows concern, compassion & convinces
    her she has to much to live for. Still worried about the girl , he
    puts forth a proposition, "you should start a new life', he
    starts."I'm sailing for Austrailia in the morning, let me sneak you
    aboard & hide you in the back of the engine room? I'll bring you food
    3 times a day &we'll comfort each other at night 'til we reach
    paradise?".

    The young lady agrees & off they sailed.A rough 3
    weeks go by, but the sailor is true to his word & brings her
    meals & makes passionate love to her throughout the cold, long
    evenings.

    One morning the woman is jolted awake by repeated
    pokes to the ribs. "Who are you ?", gasps the woman. " The Capt.
    of this vessal!
    What are you doing here?"he asks. " I have an
    arrangement with seaman Jones , in exchange for free passage to
    Austrailia & food he is screwing me"she said. "I'll say he is" said
    the Capt."This is the Staten Island Ferry" .


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Capured By Indians
    ==================

    An Englishman, Frenchman and New Yorker who are captured
    by indians and told they will be killed, skinned and
    their skin will be used to make a canoe. (This is very
    abbreviated by the way)

    They are given one last request by the indians. The Englishman
    replies: "oh, just let me call me mum before I die."
    The Frenchman replies: "just let me smoke a last cigarette."

    The New Yorker replies:(in heavy ny accent) "You got a fork?"
    Indians: "a what?" "a fork, you got a fork?" So they
    hand him a fork and he repeatedly stabs himself all
    over his body and replies "here's your f**kin'
    canoe!"

  8. #1428
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    250

    Default

    . . .
    An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of he trip,
    the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom
    performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's
    courage.

    The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a
    spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger . . . . . CLICK . . . .
    . empty chamber.

    He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn."

    Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual . . . . CLICK . . . empty.

    The next year, the Russian visits the African country.

    At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very
    impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year
    devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

    The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes
    later smiling, and says, "Your turn."

    The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the
    most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.

    The African explains that he is to pull down his pants, hold out his *****
    and choose one of the women, who will give him a full blow-job.

    Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is
    this?! "

    " The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal.
    • Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
    A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

  9. #1429
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    caves of bedrock
    Posts
    3,129

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Fieldgenerator
    " The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal.
    a real test of courage :rofl:
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  10. #1430
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    Can't explain
    ===============
    A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.A man
    comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
    beautiful day getting drunk?

    " The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what
    happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to
    try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
    milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg
    and kicked it over."

    That's not so bad,what's the big deal?"
    The farmer says "Some things you just can't explain."

    "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued
    "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
    Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket
    about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?"

    The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." " So, what did
    you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied
    it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her,
    and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked
    over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!"
    but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

    The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what
    else did you do?" the man asked again. " Well I didn't have any more
    rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when
    my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
    "Some things you just can't explain."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Herd of Cows
    ============

    A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho,"
    so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As
    they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor
    tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big
    bunch of cows."

    The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

    "Heard what?"

    "Herd of cows."

    "Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em
    right over there."

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