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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1431
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    * Took her new scarf back to the store because
    it was too tight.

    * Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't
    find a lake with a slope.

    * Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles
    won't fit into the typewriter.

    * Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle
    in six months. The box had said "2 to 4 years."

    * Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the
    power went out.

    * Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any
    phone button.

    * When asked what the capital of California was,
    answered "C."

    * Can't make KoolAid because eight cups of water
    won't fit into one of those little packets.

    * Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while
    raking leaves.

    * Changes the baby's diaper only once a month
    because the label said "Good up to 20 pounds."

    * After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition,
    complained that the other swimmers were using their
    arms. (HAHAHAHA)

    * What goes "vroomscreechvroomscreech"?
    A blonde at a flashing red light.

    * Two blondes are trying to get into their car
    using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's
    starting to rain, and the top is down."

  2. #1432
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    Expensive imported panties
    ==========================

    The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new
    pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear,"
    she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find
    fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

    "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find
    gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    At a sawmill
    ============

    Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too
    close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm
    in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
    The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
    "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

    Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill
    working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and
    this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it
    in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The
    next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing
    football.

    "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

    Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the
    mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to
    the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts
    it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
    The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees
    the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend?
    I brought him in yesterday."

    The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his
    head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Deep Thoughts
    ===============

    1) Never raise your hands to kids. It leaves your groin
    unprotected.
    2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain,
    no pain.
    3) I'm trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
    helmets.
    4) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full
    effect of alphabet soup?
    5) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
    been more specific.
    6) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face
    he gets mad at you? But, when you take him in a car
    he sticks his head out the window?
    7) Have you ever noticed anyone driving slower than
    you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you
    is a maniac.
    8) You have to stay in shape. My aunt started walking
    five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today
    and we have no idea where she is.
    9) I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go
    out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how
    long somebody stands there picking the locks, they
    are always locking three.
    10) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
    four is suffering from some form of mental illness.
    Think of your 3 best friends. If they are O.K.,
    then it's you.
    11) I ask people why they have deer heads on their
    walls. They always say because it's such a
    beautiful animal. I think my mother is
    attractive, but I only have photos of her.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Pet Ape
    =======

    A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms.
    "I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We
    have no children, so he's going to live with us, just
    like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even
    sleep in the bed with me and the wife."

    "But what about the smell?" Someone asked.

    "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I
    did."
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Things I always wanted to know
    ==============================

    Can you cry under water?

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered
    assassinated instead of just murdered?

    If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

    Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

    Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for
    your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    What did cured ham actually have?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
    a
    good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
    like
    every two hours?

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

    If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

    Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
    binoculars
    to look at things on the ground?

    How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
    America?

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
    They're going to see you naked anyway.

    If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

    and finally...

    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

  3. #1433
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    Lawyer Story
    ============


    This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the
    century.


    A Charlotte, N.C., lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
    cigars then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month,
    having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet
    having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a
    claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the
    cigars were lost "in a series of small fires..."

    The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That
    the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...
    and won!

    In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
    that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the
    lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
    cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
    fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire," and was
    obligated to pay the claim.

    Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
    company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his
    loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

    Now for the best part!

    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
    arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and
    testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer
    was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
    sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

    (This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal
    Lawyers Award Contest)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Religious Nuts
    ==============


    A priest and pastor from the local churches are
    standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into
    the ground that reads: 'The End is Near!

    Turn yourself around now before it's too late!' 'Leave
    us alone you religious nuts!' yelled a driver as he
    sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching
    tires and a big splash.

    The pastor turns to the priest and asks, 'Do you think
    the sign should just maybe say ...'Bridge Out?'
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Viagra Stolen!
    ==============


    A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are
    looking for two 'hardened criminals'. They expect a
    stiff penalty under the penal code.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Divorce Lawyer
    ==============

    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a
    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
    methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
    envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes
    out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
    over them.

    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes
    up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
    The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
    signed, 'Guess who?'"

    "But why?" asks the man.

    "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Job Interview
    =============


    Morris goes to a job interview.

    The boss says, "I'll give you 8 dollars an hour
    starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to
    12 dollars an hour.

    So when would you like to start?"

    Morris replies, "So how 'bout 3 months from now?"

  4. #1434
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    A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d**k, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
    The small guy faints!
    The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"
    The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
    The big guy looks down and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d**k, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
    The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."
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  5. #1435
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    * When the plane is still on the ground, rock back and forth in your seat and say aloud "This turbulence sure is rough!!"

    * Wear rags and a head scarf, claim that your name is Svetolafosan Frojhkyhkjuhjdj and that you're being deported back to Estonia, look pleased when you're told that this plane is not going there. Say 'Really?!, U haf not met me if zey ask zen, OK?!'

    * Delight your fellow passengers with your impression of a plane crashing in to the sea complete with sound effects.

    * Occasionally scream - loudly.

    * Get up and announce that you are going to hijack the plane, make to get out a gun, but act like it's not there, check all your pockets and then say "Oh, I must have left it in the other coat, OK, never mind!". Sit down like nothing has happened.

    * From the second you take off, every ten seconds say in the same voice 'Are we there yet?'

    * As you get off the plane, look worried and announce loudly, 'Vait a minute, vot iz zis place?! Zis is not Poland, vere ze iz zis?!?!?!'
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
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  6. #1436

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    What is Big, Green, Fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you.
    A pool table.


    Ok that was stupid. Heres a better one.

    What is Brown and Sticky?
    A stick.

    Ok that was stupid too.

  7. #1437
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    i know it does not go into jokes but i didn't understand where else to put it in. it is really freaky. do try it out
    While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.

    While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

    Your foot will change direction..... anticlockwise.
    Latest Microsoft Security Updates.
    Last Updated:
    10th MARCH


    If you are a security freak: Use Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer (NT/2000/XP/2003)
    ======================
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    jabber : asklepios20@jabber.org
    =======================
    Linux user since: April 24, 2003 312478
    yabaa dabaa doo...
    Customized for 1024x768

  8. #1438

    Default

    16 Things That Annoy


    1. Trying on sunglasses with the tag still attached to the bridge.

    2. The person behind you in the supermarket who keeps running their cart into the back of your ankle.

    3. The way everyone drives slower when you're in a hurry.

    4. The way everyone drives right on your bumper when you slow down to look for an address.

    5. You open a can of soup - or anything, really - and the lid falls in to it.

    6. Finding out you stepped in dog poop ... AFTER you've walked across your carpet.

    7. Drinking from a soda can you thought was yours only to discover someone had extinguished their cigarette in it.

    8. Slicing your tongue licking an envelope.

    9. The tire gauge that lets out half the air in your tire while you're trying to get a reading.

    10. Televisions or radios that come in brilliantly while you tune them then fade to snow and tatic as you walk away.

    11. Realizing you never washed that bright red shirt by itself before ... after everything else in the load comes out pink.

    12. Setting your alarm clock for p.m. instead of a.m.

    13. A fantastic song on the radio and the DJ doesn't tell you who it is.

    14. Having to say to five different salespeople, "No thanks, I'm just looking."

    15. You reach under a table to pick something up and whack your head coming back up.

    16. The candy bar or bag of chips that gets stuck on the rotating clip in a vending machine.
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  9. #1439

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    A Brief History of Medicine

    "I have an earache...."

    2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

    1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

    1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

    1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

    1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

    2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial! Here, eat this root
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  10. #1440

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    Johnny Is Off


    One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

    Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

    Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.

    The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

    Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

    The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
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