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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1451
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    Limp Parrot
    ===========

    A woman brought a very limp parrot into a Veterinary Clinic. As she laid her
    pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
    bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry,
    but Polly has passed away."

    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any
    testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

    The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. Returning in a
    few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on
    in surprise, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
    examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked
    at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The Vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with
    a cat.

    The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back,
    shook it's head, meowed, and ran out of the room. The Vet looked at the
    woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most
    definitely, 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal,
    hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

    The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY
    DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is
    dead?!"

    The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have
    been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....it's
    $150.00."

  2. #1452

    Default

    Natchitoches


    Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

    They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

    The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."
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  3. #1453
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    A policeman stops a lady and asks for her licence. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses". The woman answered, "Well I have contacts".
    The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
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  4. #1454

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    What Do You Sell?

    A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
    became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw
    a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
    confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

    She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you
    must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

    On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again
    with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole
    behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and
    returned to his play.

    He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady
    sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the
    lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course
    often.

    He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my
    appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady ....
    well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"

    She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

    "No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

    "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

    With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his
    breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

    "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper
    salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
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  5. #1455

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    Painfull Averies


    Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.

    "Don't you mean ovaries ?" the doc says.

    "No" she says.

    "We had better have a look" says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says "You're right, It looks like there's been a ****atoo up there"
    Intel Core 2 Duo E6850 CPU 2 x Kingston Hyper 2 GB Kit memory 1066MHz MSI P35 Platinum Combo Mobo Razer Barracuda AC-1 Digital Audio Card XFX PCIe 8800GTX xXx Video card Thermaltake 1000W Toughpower PSU Samsung 320GB IDE HD for OS WD 250GB SataII HD 2 x WD 500GB SATAII HD Compro T750 HDTV Dual Tuner PCI Card Thermaltake Bigwater 745 water cooling Samsung 226BW 22" monitor Samsung Syncmaster 913 19" monitor Silverstone , Thermaltake Armour+ Case

  6. #1456
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    Answering Machine Messages
    ==========================

    1. "Hi! Now you say something."

    2. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
    speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
    magnets."

    3. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
    My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and
    their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are
    still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

    4. "This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought
    recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
    calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about
    returning your call."

    5. "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
    who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

    6. "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
    a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

    7. "Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
    a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

    8. "Hi. If you are a burgler, then we're probably at home cleaning our
    weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
    home and it's safe to leave us a message."
    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Check The Engine
    ================

    An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

    "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you
    show on page 438, and, if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

    In a short time he received the following reply:

    "Please send check; if it's any good, we'll send the engine!"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    A Nice Car
    ==========

    A guy driving a Mini Cooper pulls up at a stoplight
    next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Mini rolls
    down his window and shouts to the driver of the
    Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a
    phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Mini!"

    The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes,
    I have a phone."

    The driver of the Mini says, "Cool! Hey, you got a
    fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back
    seat of my Mini!"

    The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes,
    I have a refrigerator."

    The driver of the Mini says, "That's great, man! Hey,
    you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in
    the back seat of my Mini!"

    The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by
    now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-
    Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

    The driver of the Mini says, "Very cool car! Hey, you
    got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of
    my Mini!"

    Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the
    Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer,
    where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in
    the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of
    the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb,
    complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was
    clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce.

    So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the
    Mini, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night,
    he finds the Mini parked, with all the windows
    fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls
    got out and knocked on the Mini. When there wasn't
    any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually
    the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

    "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,"
    the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

    The driver of the Mini looked at him and said, "You
    got me out of the shower for THAT?!"

  7. #1457
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    Why I Can't Go Out With You:

    I'd LOVE to, but...
    -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
    -- None of my socks match.
    -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
    -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
    -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
    -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
    -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
    -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
    named Basil Metabolism.
    -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
    -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
    -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
    -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
    -- I feel a song coming on.
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  8. #1458
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    True Politics

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
    Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we can call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
    So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now" The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep ****.

    ======================

    Quiz...?
    This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed his choices down to 3 women. He couldn't make up his mind on which one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each woman $5,000 to see what they would spend it on. The first woman went out, bought
    furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself. The second woman
    put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself. The third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young man.
    Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man married?

    answer: The woman with the biggest ****, of course!
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  9. #1459
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    Female Comebacks
    ================


    HE I'm a photographer, I've been looking for a face like yours!
    SHE I'm a plastic surgeon, I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

    HE Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
    SHE Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

    HE May I have the pleasure of this dance?
    SHE No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

    HE How did you get to be so beautiful?
    SHE I must've been given your share!!!

    HE Is it hot in here or is it just you?
    SHE It's hot!!!

    HE Will you come out with me this Saturday?
    SHE Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

    HE Your face must turn a few heads!
    SHE And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

    HE Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
    SHE Okay, get out!!!

    HE I think I could make you very happy
    SHE Why? Are you leaving?

    HE What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
    SHE Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

    HE Can I have your name?
    SHE Why, don't you already have one?

    HE Shall we go and see a film?
    SHE I've already seen it!!!

    HE Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
    SHE Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

    HE Where have you been all my life?
    SHE Hiding from you.

    HE Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    SHE Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    HE Is this seat empty?
    SHE Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    HE So, what do you do for a living?
    SHE I'm a female impersonator.

    HE Hey baby, what's your sign?
    SHE Do not enter.

    HE How do you like your eggs in the morning?
    SHE Unfertilized.

    HE Your body is like a temple.
    SHE Sorry, there are no services today.

    HE I would go to the end of the world for you.
    SHE But would you stay there?

    HE If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    SHE If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

    HE Where have you been all my life?
    SHE Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Medicine and Taxidermy
    ======================


    There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself
    through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

    Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
    vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and
    their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore,
    his income.

    He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying,
    "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either
    way, you get your dog back!"
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Field Trip
    ==========


    A group of third, fourth and fifth graders
    accompanied by two female teachers went on a
    field trip to the local race track to learn
    about thoroughbred horses and the supporting
    industry.

    During the tour some of the children wanted
    to go to the toilet so it was decided that
    the girls would go with one teacher and the
    boys would go with the other.

    As the teacher assigned to the boys waited
    outside the men's toilet, one of the boys
    came out and told her he couldn't reach the
    urinal. Having no choice, she went inside
    and began hoisting the little boys up by
    their armpits, one by one.

    As she lifted one, she couldn't help but
    notice that he was unusually well-endowed
    for an elementary school child. "I guess
    you must be in the fifth," she said.

    "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh,
    riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.

  10. #1460
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    SEA OF ******SS

    Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three.
    Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into ******ss Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
    Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of ******ss on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
    Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

    Fly in my pint

    One day an Englishman, Scotsman and and Irishman walk into a pub together.They each bought a pint of ******ss. Just
    as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, 3 flies landed in ech of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
    The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his , and continued drinking it as
    if nothing happened.
    The Irishman, too, picked the fly out o' his drink, held it out over his pint and started yelling, "Spit it Out, Spit it Out you SOB.

    Amazing Medical Advances

    First Man: "there's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to work construction. One day last year his hand got crushed by a bulldozer; and whatever those Doctors did is amazing - Today he's a concert pianist."

    Second Man: "That's nothing. I knew a gut in college - laziest bum I ever knew. He was realy fat and out of shape.He was hit by a truck one, while trying to hitch a ride; broke near every bone in his worthless body.Somehow they pieced him back together and now he's a an Olympic gold Triathlete."

    Third Man: "Yeah, well i knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't
    much, but someone gave him a job in the Dynamite factory as a
    stockboy. While working late one day in the warehouse, he got locked in. Unable to find the door & not being too bright, he lit a match and blew the entire place to kingdom come. All they could find were his fingers, ears and eyebrows. From that wee bit they
    were able to put him back together and this very day, that kid is
    the President of the USA."
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

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