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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1471
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    that is some real funny s*^t :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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    yabaa dabaa doo...
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  2. #1472
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    Dec 2002
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiggo's-sister
    Dual Exhaust

    Thanx for that one Christine, i've gotten more mileage out of that joke since 20 minutes after ya posted till now than i've gotten out of any joke i've heard the last 15 years............and it doubled everybody who heard it ROFLTFAO; and even had a few that wanted to either hear it again or have me write it down so's they
    could share it .................hate to say it but that beat the hell out of "Dopey screwed a penguin" & it's a classic.........so, just keep 'em comin' girl, Please!!!!! :rofl: :rofl: :cheers:
    Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you recall.

  3. #1473
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    Dec 2002
    Posts
    4,246

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiggo's-sister
    Dual Exhaust
    ============
    :rofl: :laugh: ...that's good. not many of the jokes around here make me laugh out loud
    I've gone too far and need to move on!

  4. #1474

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    Staying Out Late

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
    other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
    home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
    get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
    take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I
    get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
    up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

    His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
    wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
    steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the
    butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like
    she's sound asleep!"
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  5. #1475

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    Hunting Flies

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with
    a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    "Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
    Intel Core 2 Duo E6850 CPU 2 x Kingston Hyper 2 GB Kit memory 1066MHz MSI P35 Platinum Combo Mobo Razer Barracuda AC-1 Digital Audio Card XFX PCIe 8800GTX xXx Video card Thermaltake 1000W Toughpower PSU Samsung 320GB IDE HD for OS WD 250GB SataII HD 2 x WD 500GB SATAII HD Compro T750 HDTV Dual Tuner PCI Card Thermaltake Bigwater 745 water cooling Samsung 226BW 22" monitor Samsung Syncmaster 913 19" monitor Silverstone , Thermaltake Armour+ Case

  6. #1476
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    dryadsoul & Minibubba I have to admit I laughed for awhile after reading it too.

    No Toilet Paper
    ===============


    A guy is in a public toilet, but soon discovers
    there is no toilet paper on the roll. He calls into
    the next booth, "Do you have any tissue paper in
    there?"

    "No," comes the reply.

    "Do you have any newspaper?"

    "Sorry!"

    "Ummm, do you have two fives for a ten?"

    5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship
    ===================================


    1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

    2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

    3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

    4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

    5. It is extremely important that these four men don't know each other.

  7. #1477

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    Texas Lawyer

    A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which
    requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even
    have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.

    The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After
    quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is in the living room kissing the
    mailman!

    Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is
    this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from
    his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman.

    She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your
    adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces
    her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of
    two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes.
    The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks "did you kill them?".

    "Yes!", she replies.

    "What did you do with the bodies?"

    "I threw them in the pool."

    (A Long Pause)

    "Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?"
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  8. #1478

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    She's Having an Affair

    Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

    His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

    Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

    "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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  9. #1479

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    Payday Party


    A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead
    of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys
    and spending his entire paycheck.

    When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by
    his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
    befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to
    him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
    He replied, "That would be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
    and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down
    just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his
    left eye.
    Intel Core 2 Duo E6850 CPU 2 x Kingston Hyper 2 GB Kit memory 1066MHz MSI P35 Platinum Combo Mobo Razer Barracuda AC-1 Digital Audio Card XFX PCIe 8800GTX xXx Video card Thermaltake 1000W Toughpower PSU Samsung 320GB IDE HD for OS WD 250GB SataII HD 2 x WD 500GB SATAII HD Compro T750 HDTV Dual Tuner PCI Card Thermaltake Bigwater 745 water cooling Samsung 226BW 22" monitor Samsung Syncmaster 913 19" monitor Silverstone , Thermaltake Armour+ Case

  10. #1480
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Posts
    138

    Default

    This one goes on a bit!


    The Perfect Day - For Her
    8.15: Wake up to hugs and kisses.

    8.30: Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.

    8.45: Breakfast in bed - freshly squeezed orange juice
    and croissants; open presents - expensive
    jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

    9.15: Soothing hot bath with frangipanibath oil.

    10.00: Light work-out at club with handsome funny
    personal trainer.

    10.30: Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition,
    blow-dry.

    12.00: Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor
    cafe.

    12.45: Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and
    notice she has gained 7kg.

    1.00: Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

    3.00: Nap.

    4.00: 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist - 'From
    Secret Admirer'.

    4.15: Light work-out at club, followed by massage by
    strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to
    work on such a perfect
    body.

    5.30: Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe,
    parade before full-length mirror.

    7.30: Candle-lit dinner for two followed by dancing,
    with compliments received from other diners/dancers.

    10.00: Hot shower, alone.

    10.45: Carried to bed - freshly-ironed, crisp, new,
    white linen sheets.

    11.00: Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

    11.15: Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.




    The Perfect Day - For Him


    6.00: Alarm.

    6.15: Blow-job.

    6.30: Massive satisfying dump while reading the
    sports
    section.

    7.00: Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and
    toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench.

    7.30: Limo arrives.

    7.45: Several whiskeys en-route to airport.

    9.15: Flight in personal Lear Jet.

    9.30: Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club - blow-job
    en-route.

    9.45: Play front nine - 2 under.

    11.45: Lunch - pie, chips and gravy and 5 pints of
    lager.

    12.15: Blow-job.

    12.30: Play back nine - 4 under.

    2.15: Limo back to the airport - several whiskeys.

    2.30: Fly to Monte Carlo.

    3.30: Late afternoon fishing excursion with all nude
    female crew.

    4.30: Land world-record Marlin.

    5.00: Fly home, massage and hand-job by naked Elle
    McPherson.

    5.45: Nap.

    6.45: ****, shower and shave.

    7.00: Watch news, marijuana and hard-core porn
    legalised.

    7.30: Dinner - lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon
    (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice-cream
    served on a pair of
    ****.

    9.00: Napoleon brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of
    wall-sized TV while watching England beat Germany
    11-0 in World Cup
    final.

    11.00: Sex with 3 women - all with lesbian
    tendencies.

    11.30: Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks
    and
    a cleansing lager.

    12.15: Nightcap blow-job.

    12.30: In bed alone.

    12.35: Let out 12 second fart which changes note 4
    times and forces the dog to leave the room.

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