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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1481
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    I Need A Drink
    ==============


    Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a
    stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."

    "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

    "When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands
    and knees."

    "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

    "She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    What Women Want In A Man
    ========================


    What Women Want in a Man.
    1. Handsome
    2. Charming
    3. Financially successful
    4. A caring listener
    5. Witty
    6. In good shape
    7. Dresses with style
    8. Appreciates finer things
    9. Full of thoughtful surprises
    10. An imaginative, romantic lover
    ================================================== =======
    What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
    1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
    2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
    3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
    4. Listens more than talks
    5. Laughs at my jokes
    6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
    7. Owns at least one tie
    8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
    9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
    10. Seeks romance at least once a week
    ==============================================
    What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
    1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
    2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
    3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
    4. Nods head when I'm talking
    5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
    6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
    7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
    8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
    9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
    10. Shaves most weekends
    ==============================================
    What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
    1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
    2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
    3. Doesn't borrow money too often
    4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
    5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
    6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
    7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
    8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
    9. Remembers your name on occasion
    10. Shaves some weekends
    ==============================================
    What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
    1. Doesn't scare small children
    2. Remembers where bathroom is
    3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
    4. Only snores lightly when asleep
    5. Remembers why he's laughing
    6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
    7. Usually wears some clothes
    8. Likes soft foods
    9. Remembers where he left his teeth
    10. Remembers that it's the weekend
    ==============================================
    What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
    1. Breathing
    2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
    New rig
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  2. #1482
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiggo's-sister
    What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

    1. Breathing
    2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
    :eek: Oh man I sometimes miss the toilet and I'm only 25.. :rofl:

  3. #1483
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    *eeewwwwwwwwwwww....glad I don't have to clean your loo*


    Never Felt Better
    =================


    An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded
    his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the
    buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a
    speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.

    After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense
    called the local sheriff as a witness.

    The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say
    when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"

    The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt
    better.'"

    The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the
    farmer, "Did you really say that?"

    "I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.

    So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really
    say, you 'never felt better?'"

    The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the
    sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly
    injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot
    the dog.

    Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt
    bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.

    Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I
    felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"
    New rig
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  4. #1484

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    Harley Davidson Motorcycle

    The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

    Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

    God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

    God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

    "1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

    "2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

    "3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

    "4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

    "5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

    "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".
    Intel Core 2 Duo E6850 CPU 2 x Kingston Hyper 2 GB Kit memory 1066MHz MSI P35 Platinum Combo Mobo Razer Barracuda AC-1 Digital Audio Card XFX PCIe 8800GTX xXx Video card Thermaltake 1000W Toughpower PSU Samsung 320GB IDE HD for OS WD 250GB SataII HD 2 x WD 500GB SATAII HD Compro T750 HDTV Dual Tuner PCI Card Thermaltake Bigwater 745 water cooling Samsung 226BW 22" monitor Samsung Syncmaster 913 19" monitor Silverstone , Thermaltake Armour+ Case

  5. #1485
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    Default

    Awesome !
    SPAM Special Ops

  6. #1486
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    Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was
    down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

    "Did he get anything?" his mates asked.

    "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken
    nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
    New rig
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  7. #1487

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    A man walks into a pet store and spies a beautiful male parrot in the corner. He asks the owner how much for the parrot and the owner replies, "Two-thousand dollars."

    Appalled by the price, man started to walk out until the owner said, "This is a very special parrot."

    Intrigued, the man turned around and the owner showed him the parrot's special abilities.

    "We you hold a match under his right foot," the owner said, "look at what happens." The owner lit a match and put it underneath the parrot right foot and the parrot came to life and started to sing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…"

    "That is amazing!" the man said. "But what if you put a match underneath his left foot? Does he do anything?"

    "Oh, yes," the owner said, "Watch." The owner placed a match underneath the parrot's left foot and the parrot came to life and sang "On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me…"

    "Amazing! I must have him," the man said. He paid the owner and took the parrot home to show his wife.

    "Honey," the man said, "You have to see what this parrot can do!" The man showed his wife what would happen if he placed a flame under each of the parrot's feet and his wife was amazed, too.

    Then curiosity got the better of her and she said, "What would happen if you put the flame between his legs?" The man, curious also, did this very thing.

    The parrot came alive and started to sing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…"
    Intel Core 2 Duo E6850 CPU 2 x Kingston Hyper 2 GB Kit memory 1066MHz MSI P35 Platinum Combo Mobo Razer Barracuda AC-1 Digital Audio Card XFX PCIe 8800GTX xXx Video card Thermaltake 1000W Toughpower PSU Samsung 320GB IDE HD for OS WD 250GB SataII HD 2 x WD 500GB SATAII HD Compro T750 HDTV Dual Tuner PCI Card Thermaltake Bigwater 745 water cooling Samsung 226BW 22" monitor Samsung Syncmaster 913 19" monitor Silverstone , Thermaltake Armour+ Case

  8. #1488

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    Alien Sex


    A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

    "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

    "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

    Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

    "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

    "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"

    "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

    "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.

    "Well," she said.

    "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

    "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

    "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

    As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

    "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

    "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
    Intel Core 2 Duo E6850 CPU 2 x Kingston Hyper 2 GB Kit memory 1066MHz MSI P35 Platinum Combo Mobo Razer Barracuda AC-1 Digital Audio Card XFX PCIe 8800GTX xXx Video card Thermaltake 1000W Toughpower PSU Samsung 320GB IDE HD for OS WD 250GB SataII HD 2 x WD 500GB SATAII HD Compro T750 HDTV Dual Tuner PCI Card Thermaltake Bigwater 745 water cooling Samsung 226BW 22" monitor Samsung Syncmaster 913 19" monitor Silverstone , Thermaltake Armour+ Case

  9. #1489
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    How And What?
    =============


    1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

    2. How Do You Catch >a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

    3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

    4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

    5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

    6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

    7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.

    8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

    9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

    10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

    11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

    12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? frostbite.

    13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

    14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast
    Beef.

    15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

    16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

    17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

    18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

    19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of
    The Dirt Bag.

    20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt
    Buckle On Their Hat.

    21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad
    Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

    22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce the Same? Somebody's
    Gonna Lose A Trailer
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  10. #1490

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    Politicians


    A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when,
    all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree
    in an old farmer's field.

    The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.
    He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days
    later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the
    old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

    The old farmer said he had buried them.

    The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

    The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but
    you know how them politicians lie."
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