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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #141
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    New England Highlands, Australia
    Posts
    21,907

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    <center>Exercise</center>

    It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life.
    This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!

    My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
    Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is!

    The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks.
    Haven't lost a pound.
    Apparently you have to show up.

    I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

    I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

    The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

    And last, but not least, I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!

    You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
    <center>:cheers:</center>

  2. #142
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    Nov 2001
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    There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
    One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
    The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.
    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    She replied, "He said, 'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!'"
    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
    Again, the deaf sister asked, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    The other sister replied, "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
    So they wiggled up close to each other.
    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
    photographer.
    Yet again, the deaf sister yells to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    The twin sister replies, "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
    With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  3. #143
    Beefy Guest

    Default

    LOL.. that was good.. :thumb:

  4. #144
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    Nov 2001
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    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
    hell happened to your bra.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
    whispering when you are not.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
    like a retard.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
    friends over and over again that you love them.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
    sing.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
    ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
    mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
    logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
    the morning and see something really scary.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
    inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
    are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
    invisible.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
    laughing WITH you.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
    time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  5. #145
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    4,723

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    WHAT YOUR COMPUTER IS TRYING TO TELL YOU
    It says: "Press Any Key"
    It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

    It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
    It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

    It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
    It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

    It says: "Please insert disk 11"
    It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

    It says: "Not enough memory"
    It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 512MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

    It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
    It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

    It says: "Please Wait...."
    It means: "... Indefinitely."

    It says: "Directory does not exist...."
    It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

    It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
    It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  6. #146
    Beefy Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. C
    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
    hell happened to your bra.

    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
    oh, i get those all the time.. :D

  7. #147
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    Nov 2001
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    Further proof that we must be more
    careful about the long term implications of our
    priorities for funding medical research:
    Over the past few years more money has been
    spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
    Alzheimer's Disease.The inevitable result
    is that soon we will have a lot of people running
    around with huge breasts and persistent
    erections who cannot remember what to do with them.
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

  8. #148
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

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    An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him
    how he's feeling.

    "I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an
    eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
    you think about that"

    The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
    you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
    season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs
    his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a
    grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points
    it at the bear and squeezes the handle.

    The bear drops dead in front of him."

    "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."
    "Exactly."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  9. #149
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Here.....of course!
    Posts
    10,280

    Default

    One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their
    computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing
    away. Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.
    When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where
    he left off, but the Devil's screen was black. Satan says,
    "How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!"
    Then one person in Hell says, "No, Jesus Saves."
    New rig
    P4 Titan 8S655FX
    PENTIUM 4 Intel 2.8c
    KINGMAX 2x512 DDR
    GeForce4 MX440
    DVD: LITEON x 16
    CDRW:LITEON 52x32x52
    LG FLATRON F700B
    NEWMEN OPTICAL MOUSE

  10. #150
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    4,723

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    What took you so long WS?
    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

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