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Thread: Jokes.




  1. #1501

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    Dating Vs Marriage

    When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
    When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

    When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
    When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

    When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
    When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

    When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
    When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

    When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
    When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

    When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
    When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

    When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
    When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

    When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
    When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

    When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
    When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

    When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
    When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

    When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
    When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

    When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
    When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

    When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
    When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

    When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
    When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
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  2. #1502
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    As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard
    the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane
    taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my heart by announcing:
    "The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in
    approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I
    were you, I'd remain seated."
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  3. #1503
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    Six Engineers
    =============


    Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling
    by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees
    each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a
    single ticket.
    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a
    Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

    They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective
    seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the
    door behind them.

    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
    collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket,
    please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
    ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

    So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the
    Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever
    with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a
    single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple
    engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket says one perplexed
    Microsoft employee.

    "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

    When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into
    a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one
    nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple
    engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where
    the Microsoft employees are hiding.

    He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Opposite Twins
    ==============


    A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other
    was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought
    it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other
    claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way,
    one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
    Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father
    loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.
    The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
    That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found
    him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

    "Why are you crying?" the father asked.

    "Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all
    these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll
    constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,"
    answered the pessimistic twin.

    Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for
    joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

    To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in
    here somewhere!"
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  4. #1504
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    20 Years Ago
    ===========

    A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts
    on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the
    kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep
    thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
    "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are
    you down here at this time of the night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
    were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes, I do" she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when
    your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".

    "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
    and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or i'll send you to jail for 20
    years?"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek
    and said,

    "I would have gotten out today."
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  5. #1505
    Join Date
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    318

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    Michael Jackson Jokes


    Q. Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
    A. Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few
    stories.

    Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
    A. From a catalogue.

    Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
    A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing”.

    Q. How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?
    A. There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house.

    Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Detroit Tigers have in common?
    A: They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

    Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
    A: He heard boys' pants were half-off!

    Q. What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
    A. Michael Jackson has had more noses.

    Q. When is it bed time at Michael Jackson’s house?
    A. When the big hand is on the little hand!

    Q. What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
    A. They both ride three year olds.

    Q. What's the worst stain to try and remove from a little boy's underpants?
    A. Michael Jackson's makeup.

    Q. Why does Michael Jackson disappear for a couple hours after one of his little
    friends leaves?
    A. It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.

    Q. What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
    A. I believe you’re in my son.

    Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
    A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry groceries.

    Q. What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
    A. Two 5 year olds.

    Q. Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own?
    A. Because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop!

    Q: What's icky and in a baby's diaper?
    A: Michael Jackson's hand!

    Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
    A: His other hand!

    Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
    A: Throw him a buoy!

    Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
    A: They're both 44 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

    Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
    A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song!

    Q: What's black on the inside, white on the outside, and comes in little cans?
    A: Michael Jackson!

    Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
    A. One got burnt doing Pepsi, the other got burnt doing coke.

    Q: What was the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor started?
    A: The Ignited Negro College Fund!

    Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
    A: Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!!

    Q. What does Michael Jackson reminisce about?
    A. Blowing his first nose.

    Q. Who is the greatest person ever?
    A. Michael Jackson - he was born a poor black boy in Gary, Indiana and grew up
    to become a rich white woman in Europe.

    Q. What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
    A. "Boy, that's a relief. I though she married a black guy!"

    Q. What did Lisa-Marie Presley say to Michael Jackson when he proposed?
    A. "Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing -- no kids!"

    Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley?
    A. About two dress sizes.

    Q. What was Michael Jackson thinking on his wedding night?
    A. "Now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own."

    Q. What were Lisa-Marie's newlywed complaints about Michael Jackson?
    A1. He leaves the lid off the mascara, causing it to dry out.
    A2. That battleaxe Liz Taylor never calls before she comes over.
    A3. She suspects he's using her to get to Elvis' bones.
    A4. He touches her kids more than he touches her.

    Q. Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
    A. He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.

    Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
    A. He thought it was a delivery service.

    Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
    A: Because they aren't his!

    Q. How did Michael Jackson get in trouble?
    A. He was feeling a little Randy.

    Q. Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
    A. He knows how they feel.

    Q. What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug
    rehab?
    A. You know, I feel like a new boy!

    Q. How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty?
    A. Several children have fingered him.

    Q. Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
    A. Boys 'R Us.

    Q. Why is Michael Jackson so tough?
    A. He can lick any kid on the block.

    Knock Knock!
    Who's There?
    Little boy blue!
    Little boy blue who?
    Michael Jackson!

    Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 cub scouts when it hit an iceberg and
    started to sink. The captain announced, "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"
    Michael Jackson asked, "What about the children?"
    The captain replied, "Screw the children!"
    Michael Jackson looked around eagerly and said, "Do we have time?"

    A little boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God a male or a female?"
    After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both a male and
    a female."
    This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
    "Well, God is both black and white."
    At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks,
    "Is Michael Jackson God?"

    Michael Jackson asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have
    sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years
    old.

    The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more
    allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make
    him a priest.

    Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
    People get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
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  6. #1506
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
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    Default

    An elderly couple made appointments with their doctor on the same day.
    The husband went first, and while examining him the doctor asked if he had any complaints or problems.
    The husband replied that for some reason, after making love to his wife the first time, he felt all hot and sweaty. But after doing it the second time, he felt all cold and shivery.
    This confounded the doctor, who said knew not the cause of this and thought it would make interesting discussion at his next GP training meeting.
    Then, while examining the wife, the doctor mentioned the husband's concern.
    The wife just smiled and said, "That silly old codger doesn't realize that the first time we make love is in July and the second time is in December."
    Eye See You..........

  7. #1507
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    Gotcha

    Pretty Roommate

    Mum comes to visit her son for 3 days in London where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vicki, a young female roommate. Mum couldn't help but notice how pretty her son's roommate was. She suspects a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his mum's thoughts, the son volunteered... "Mum, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vicki and I are just roommates."
    About a week later, Vicki came to the son saying... "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
    "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left and went back home. Your loving Son."
    Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vicki, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Gotcha!".

  8. #1508
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    Golf clubs

    WIFE: "If I died first, would you remarry?"

    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

    WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

    HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

    WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

  9. #1509
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    City and County Workers


    Shovels

    One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation. The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...... just lean on each other until they arrive."

  10. #1510
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
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    Quote Originally Posted by dryadsoul
    Golf clubs
    .. HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
    you forgot one


    HUSBAND: "Oh ****."


    : party ha
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